Just in case you missed an episode here's the Web's definitive Ally McBeal review of each programme going back to Series Two. Select a series to take you to the reviews.

Series Five, the last ever AM series, started on Channel 4 in the UK on Wednesday 5 June 2002. We have decided to scale back our reviews as the show stutters to its conclusion (see below). We will still watch, but out of loyalty rather than anticipation.

What I'll Never Do for Love 16 October 2002

Liza is exercising in Richard's Hole while he watches. Claire intervenes and announces that Richard's father is in the office. Richard goes to see what the problem is and they are equally awkward with each other. Lots of "bugger" and "bygones". It transpires that Charles Fish is being sued for sexual harassment - yet another one!

Ally is at home with Maddie who has a temperature. Elaine is there too and asks Ally if she can audition for A Chorus Line. She is shocked when Ally tells her to go for it.

Meanwhile Richard and Liza are getting the story from Mr Fish senior. He admits that he was falling in love with his secretary, but that nothing happened, and it was only because he was falling in love that he sacked her.

Elaine is already practising for her audition in the office, when Nelle asks her what is she is doing. She explains that Ally has said it is alright. Nelle's retort is "When are you going to give up this nonsense?"

Richard confided in Liza that he thinks his father will lose his case, but Liza is not so sure. She says that juries follow their hearts and that if she lets her deal with the case they will follow hers.

At the open audition Elaine is pitted against some of Boston's finest, plus Claire Otams! They are told that the successful ones will be named on a list to be posted later that day.

In court the secretary is giving evidence. She admits there was no impropriety, but that he just sacked her. Liza explains why and then asks the secretary if she'd want her husband working longside a beautiful woman that he was in love with. At this point Mrs Fish, who has stolen into the back of the court, looks on angrily.

Later back at the office Mrs F is not a happy bunny. Mr F cannot understand it. He only sacked her out of loyalty to his wife. he storms off. Mrs F explains to Richard that she remained loyal to Mr F despite several affairs, because he "always loved her", but this is different.

Back in court Liza questions Mr F on the stand. He explains that the sacking was "an act of love". He couldn't leave as it is his company, so he had no choice. Liza decides to call Richard himself, as she thinks it "may be genetic".

Elaine returns to the theatre to find that she is not on the list. As she reads it she bumps into the director who explains that she was good, but had no experience, so didn't get in. He invites her to dinner.

On the stand Richard admits that he has always struggled with lust, and that he is governed by his "dumbstick". Back at the office Mr F tells that that Mrs F has filed for divorce. Richard blames Liza and admits to her that he is worried about his parents.

At dinner Elaine tells the director that he did not see the best of her, but that she should have got a callback.

Richard tries to talk some sense into his mother, but she says that he and his father are alike - ruled by their dumbsticks. Richard was even named after it! Richard doesn't recommend a life on her own to his mother, but she says that she thinks he is incapable of loving anyone.

You guessed it Elaine sleeps with the Director.

Next morning she comes into the office and bumps into Nelle who shouts at her. She tells Nelle about the audition and the director, and Nelle goes to find him and tells him that he should give her another chance.

In preparation for her closing Liza asks Richard to try and make sure that his mother is in court, so they show a united front.

Elaine goes to see Elaine and tells her that she has got a callback, but that she doesn't want her charity or the director's pity. Nelle tells her that she is jealous of her. Nelle says she has no passion in her life.

Liza closes. She tells the jury that Mr F is only there because he is in love with his wife. He remained loyal to his love. Naturally it all ends happily with a small pay out and Mr & Mrs F back together

Elaine takes her second chance to audition, but still doesn't get in. But at least she tried.

Another One Bites the Dust 9 October 2002

(Coming soon - promise)

Tom Dooley 2 October 2002

Ally arrives in the office in a rush. She is chairing the morning meeting. She welcomes Liza Bump. Liza has a trial and asks Nelle if she would second chair, but uses her real name - Morgan. She also tells them that she has hired a new attorney for the firm - Wilson Jade. He breezes in and tells then he is just there for the money.

In the unisex Claire bumps into Wilson and thinks he's a stripper for her. Nelle appears and Wilson asks if she will help him out in his trial. 

Meanwhile Liza is interviewing her client (Nicole Naples), who is charged with bigamy, in John's office. John watches through his portrait of Napoleon, until Liza drags him out, and asks him to help her out. Nicole is obviously quite taken with John in his full Mariachi (Mexican) gear. She admits she always wanted to be a Mariachi singer. She liked songs like Tom Dooley.

Wilson and Nelle's case is to represent a wife who is suing her husband for sexual harassment. Nelle thinks they cannot possibly win, but Wilson won't let a thing like the merits of a case stand in his way. He's even more ruthless than Nelle.

John agrees to help Liza and Nicole, but warns Nicole that she may be looking at prison. She is shocked. Liza had not been quite so upfront with this fact.

In the trial a police officer confirms that she is legally married to both men, which John describes as nonsense, and he and Liza do a nonsense double act. The trial judge tells them to get on with the serious stuff, but when John looks at his questions he tells the court that the rest are nonsense too and sits down.

In the office Claire is still buzzing round Wilson. Nelle thinks they should settle the case for $25,000, but Wilson says he can get her more.

In court Nicole gives evidence and confirms that she married both her husbands and that she loves them both. Its unconventional but it works for them. When cross-examined she is asked why she has to have sex with both men. She turns the question around by asking Counsel to show the relevance of the question, which he cannot.

That evening Liza and Nicole are in the Mexican bar and John and his maracas sing Tom Dooley to her. After which he walks her home. At her door John tells her she can sing with the band sometime and suggests that he might be able to plead the case out and save her from prison, if she will just dissolve one of her marriages. But she tells him that she will not live by other people's values.

Next morning John confesses to Richard that he is drawn to her. In court the prosecution spring a surprise rebuttal witness - Tally Cupp. She tells that she shared with Nicole for about a year and that although they are both heterosexual, that they had a physical relationship. John objects to the line of questioning, but is eventually silenced with tape over his mouth.

Nelle and Wilson have cooked up a strategy to increase the offer. Essentially Wilson tells him that they will bring out some unsavoury facts in evidence if they don't settle. He then leaves and Nelle apologises, but tells opposing Counsel that he is serious. 

The court has adjourned and John is distraught. He tells them they have to try and plead it out, but Nicole is having none of it. Nelle comes across Miss Bump in the hall and calls her by her real name - Debbie. In the unisex Claire is looking over the top of the stalls trying to catch a glimpse of Wilson.

In the trial Counsel close on both sides. Prosecution say that she simply broke the law. John and Liza argue over who will close and continue the "silly" theme. Suggest it is time to show if the US is really open-minded and tolerant.

Nelle has extracted a $225,000 settlement out of the embarrassed husband, which they decide to accept. Wilson and Nelle are like two peas in a pod.

In the trial the jury return a guilty verdict, but the judge only sentences her to 3 months imprisonment suspended, so she is free to go.

In the Mexican bar Nicole sings with the band in the full Mariachi get up. Nelle tells Richard that they should keep Wilson. John walks Nicole home, and she invites him to dinner with her sometime, but John declines. He doesn't want to be hubby number three.

Love is All Around II 25 September 2002

Richard is in court waiting for Liza Bump. He is trying to get her case against Cage, Fish & McBeal (thought Richard said it was going to be Fish & McBeal?) preventing them advising Claire Otams on her pre-nup, dismissed. Liza arrives late and breezes through her argument, which the judge buys. Richard ends up agreeing not to try and speak with Claire about the pre-nup.

Todd Merrick (aka Chandler Bing, aka Matthew Perry) is back again. Ally tells him he is a dick, and he agrees, but he then asks Ally out. He likes her neurosis. You guessed it she chucks him out.

In the sexual discrimination case an imposing black lady gives evidence for the defence that she went on the Bully Broad course and was pleased with the results. She realised she didn't have to try and behave like a man. During her evidence she uses the word "puny" and Liza goes weak at the knees. John is unimpressed and snaps at her. She breaks down and cries theatrically.

In the office Victor (JBJ) arrives to invite Ally out to lunch. Ally wonders why they cannot get it together. Later she goes into the unisex only to get hit on the head by Todd as he exits a stall. She becomes delirious and tells Todd and Victor, who has just returned, that she is really good in bed.

In the trial Nelle and her client want to settle for the $400,000 offered, but John is not keen. Nelle tries to settle the case with Bump, but she tells them her offer has lapsed. Now its only $200,000. She suggests that she and John are not as good as she had hoped. 

Ally is concussed, but tells Victor she does not want to go home. Instead she suggests they go out that evening. Todd reappears yet again and tells her that he still wants to work there, even though they may not go out together. Ally realises he is the best man for the job, but still chucks him out again. 

In court John is set to close for the plaintiff. He sits and contemplates - the master of the pregnant pause. He eventually gets to his feet and suggests that to send tough woman on a course to become more womanly is sexism. Bump counters that his assertions are sexist.

Ally is trying to get Claire to patch things up with Jerome. Claire admits that she is in fact over 50, and that she is too old to fight. Ally suggests that where couples fight there is usually passion. She admits that she and Victor don't fight, but that she and Larry did.

In the trial the jury find for Holly Richardson and award her $610,000. Liza congratulates John and tells him that she really does think that he is hot.

Back at the office Ally is discussing whether Todd is right about her, but Elaine twists it to be whether he is right for her. She suggest that she goes out with him, just to see.

Meanwhile Claire shows Jerome her wedding dress and suggests that it is his fears that have led him to call off the wedding. She suggests they just get engaged and get married next June. He agrees.

Ally and Victor are at dinner and he notices that she is edgy again. However he keeps agreeing with everything she says. She cagily asks if he is seeing anyone else. He says no and asks her. Flustered she says no, but then asks if she were if they'd fight. Victor says no. Ally starts to rant at him, at which points he gets up and leaves. Ally chases after him determined to have an argument. He lets her get into the taxi he has hailed and then gets into another himself. Ally jumps into another cab, in which Todd just happens to be sitting. They go for a drink and Ally sees him as Larry. She makes her excuses and leaves to go home.

In the office John is getting dressed up to return to the Mexican bar. Liza arrives to compliment him on his win. As he leaves he suggests she joins C,F & McB. She could share his office.

At Ally's Victor is there. There had been another problem with the babysitter, so Maddie had called him. Ally explains that Larry was a neurotic and that Todd reminds her of Larry, which triggered certain emotions in her. She tells Victor he is not Larry and never going to be, but she has figured out that she doesn't want Larry. She wants him. They kiss and make their way to bed.

In the bar Claire and Jerome murder "Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you". Corretta tells Nelle that John has offered Liza a job. She's resentful, but appreciates Liza's skills. Up in the office Liza is moving in.

In bed Ally tells Victor that she is glad that that is over with. He responds by kissing her in a manner not dissimilar to a St Bernard dog.

Love is All Around I 18 September 2002

The show opens with Barry White singing in the background and die-hard AM fans will have known then that the Biscuit was coming back!

Ally is steaming naked in her private sauna. Victor (JBJ) is there too and they start to "get it on" (as Barry White might say). Ally wakes up. Next morning she is explaining the dream to Claire, and the fact that she doesn't like it as she is not in control. Its all because she is on her third date with Victor - the sex date (apparently). Ally says she doesn't want to fall in love with Victor. Claire sympathises, but then tells Ally she is a snob and that she should get over it.

At the morning meeting Nelle has taken on the new case of Holly Richardson, who was sacked for refusing to attend a "Bully Broad" class, to soften her attitude. Opposing Nelle will be Liza Bump, the diminutive 21 year old litigator they call Lolita. Moving on Richard wishes Ally luck on her third date - the sex date. Ally is not impressed and whisks Richard out, but in fact talks to him about getting John Cage back to oppose Lolita. John is apparently working in a Mexican bar in Boston, so he'll be easy to track down.

Claire enters the room and tells Ally and Richard that she is getting married. Ally goes to her office where she finds a baseball-capped Luke Perry (Chandler from Friends). He is Todd Merrick a job candidate, a day early for his interview, just sussing out the place. He is brash and cocky and Ally chucks him out until tomorrow.

Richard and Nelle go to the Mexican restaurant and find John playing the maracas in band, in full Mexican regalia. Without too much persuasion he agrees to help them on this case.

Ally is off on her date but she implores Richard to get Claire and her fiancé, Jerome, to sign a pre-nup. Liza Bump turns up to see Nelle and John (still dressed as a Mexican). She is cocky, cute and quick. She offers $225,000 to settle. Nelle wants a million. She says they will go to trial.

Meanwhile Ally and Victor are having dinner. Ally is tense and she admits its because of the sex thing. Victor tells her they will not be having sex, but that he isn't going anywhere.

Next day in court Holly explains how she was fired for refusing to go on the Bully Broad course. John and Liza Bump spar. He makes his noise whistle and she blows him kisses and then fondles him.

In the office Ally interviews Todd Merrick. He is still just as cocky and wants his own personal team. He catches Ally day dreaming and she tells him that she has a lot on her mind. He claims that she is an obvious man-hater, but that she thinks he is cute and Ally chucks him out again.

Having convinced Claire that a pre-nup is a good idea Richard and Claire broach the subject with Jerome, who is "cut to the quick", but agrees to it anyway.

Liza Bump comes into the office to apologise to John for her behaviour. She tells him that its because she is in love with him. On her way down she meets Jerome in the lift and offers to help him with his problem.

The determined Mr Merrick returns to apologise to Ally, and suggests that she is over-complicating her love life. Ally once again is not impressed and again chucks him out.

That evening Ally and Victor go out again, leaving Maddie in the not so capable hands of an octogenarian babysitter. Naturally of all the places to go in Boston they end up in the bar under the Fish & McBeal office, where they flirt and kiss. The only fly in the ointment is when Ally sees Merrick at the bar.

Upstairs Liza arrives again and this time gives John a summons on behalf of Jerome for breach of trust by the firm. She also tells John that she thinks they can settle their case, but that she'll meet him later at her gym. He meets her there, hot and sweaty, and then has to get into a hot tub with her to negotiate. She is all over him, but when she finally grabs his "Johnson" he is out of there, declining her increased offer to settle of $400,000.

Ally and Victor have walked back to her place, definitely in the mood to consummate their relationship, but when they get back home the babysitter has died in the armchair and rigor mortis has set in. As the old lady is carted away Ally admits that she just wants to get this sex thing over with.

In the office Liza tells Richard and Claire that if they dare to advise Claire on her pre-nuptial agreement that she will sue them. 

.....to be continued......

Heart and Soul 11 September 2002

Ally has been summoned to Maddie's school where she has been caught smoking, so she gets sent home.

At Fish & McBeal Serena Feldman, a 16 year old girl has come in to see Richard. She tells him that she is dying from a heart defect and needs a transplant. She has found a donor. Its her father, but he is still alive and in prison serving a life sentence for murdering her mother.

Back at Ally's house she lectures Maddie on the dangers of smoking. JBJ, the plumber (although he seems to do precious little plumbing), tells her not to lecture Maddie, but to talk with her. Ally tries this approach too, but doesn't really get very far. As she leaves to go to work she hears Maddie confess to JBJ that she doesn't really smoke and that she only did it to get caught, so that she wouldn't be in school for father/daughter day that week. Ally returns and tells Maddie that she would be happy to go to the father/daughter day, but Maddie isn't keen. Ally says she may meet a cute guy, and Maddie says that Victor (JBJ) is cute. Ally says they wouldn't work together as they are different types. JBJ overhears, of course.

At the prison Raymond, Richard and Claire meet with Serena's father. He knows its a long shot, but he wants to try and do something right for his daughter. But in court Judge Walsh is all for throwing the case out, until Raymond persuades him to at least hear from Serena's father.

Back at Ally's JBJ presents her with his final bill (presumably for nothing), and tells her he has another job. Ally is agog. Eventually JBJ admits he heard what she said to Maddie about the fact that they could never get together. He tells her that she is elitist, a trait which Nelle later fully endorses to Ally.

That afternoon Mr Feldman takes the stand and explains that he wants to give his daughter his heart. He admits that he feels anguish and emotional, but he tells the court his is a sound and reflective decision. After the court has adjourned Richard tells them that the defence plan to call a Beth Herman. She is Serena's mother's sister.

Next morning Ally comes downstairs to find Larry and his snowman in her frontroom. Larry tells her he is back, but as she talks to him, Maddie appears and the hallucination fades.

In court Beth Herman gives evidence that she loves Serena, but that she does not want her to have her father's heart. She does not want the man who murdered her sister to be a hero. At this point Serena interjects telling the court that it is a matter between her and her father. She reminds the court that she was the real victim of her mother's death.

Ally decides to ask JBJ out and goes to find him, but when she gets there they just argue and she ends up kicking him in the backside. But still she asks him out and then goes home to get ready. Maddie tries to advise her not to overdo her preparations, and Ally admits to being nervous about her date with JBJ.

In the trial Raymond closes for Serena. He asks the court to look at this case on its individual merits. The defence suggest that the judge is being asked to choose between one person's life and another.

After the trial is over, the interfering Claire goes to see Beth and suggests that she is letting her angry stand in the way of what would be best for Serena.

JBJ swings by to pick up Ally, but she is in a heap on her bathroom floor, racked by indecision and fear. She tells JBJ she cannot go out with him as she is still in love with Larry. He offers her a range of advice from get over it to needing to work through the problem, and she mellows and tells him that although she still does not want to go out, he can cook for her.

At the courthouse Richard comes into the waiting room to tell them that Serena's father has done a runner, but as they are absorbing this information Raymond takes a call on his mobile. After her father escaped he went to the local hospital, told them who he was and shot himself. It was his back-up plan if the case was not going well. Serena needs to get to the hospital for her transplant.

Ally and JBJ's date includes Maddie, and she recounts how Men's Health magazine suggests that cooking for your lover is a sure way to get them into bed. Ally dismisses Maddie to her room to tear a strip off JBJ, until he reminds her that his cooking was her idea.

In the hospital Serena is not sure if she should go ahead with the operation, but then her Aunt comes in and tells her it is what her mother would have wanted for her. So the operation goes ahead.

At Ally's place JBJ sings to Ally, but even so they still end up cuddling on the sofa.

Homecoming 4 September 2002

Ally is dreaming that someone comes to tell her that there was a mistake at the fertility clinic and that Maddie is not really her daughter. She wakes and goes in to sleep with Maddie, much to Maddie's disgust. Next day she tells Maddie that she wants them both to have a DNA Test.

Litigator Richard is in court again, this time with Claire Otoms as his back-up (?). His case is for a man who has failed in all his long term relationships, because, his therapist tells him, his friends played a trick on him when he was in love with a girl at school twenty five years before.

At Ally's house an old woman, Helen, calls at the door. She is looking for her old lover Vincent Graves, who used to live in the house. Ally explains that he has died, but when JBJ aka the handyman Vincent enters, she is convinced that he is Victor. Vincent plays along, telling her that he has returned from the dead to see her.

Between mad women, children and DNA tests Ally just finds time to call into the office to offer Raymond a job, but only on condition that he does not act in a sexist or chauvinistic way. "If you act like a tree trunk I'll chop you down", she says as she rushes off to the clinic.

In the court case the plaintiff confirms that he is still friends with all his mates and Judge Walsh chucks the case out. Claire realises there is more to this than meets the eye and asks Richard who broke his heart. He tells her it was Jerry Bird who slept with him and then dumped him. He vowed then never to be hurt by love.

After the DNA tests Maddie has flown off to Bonnie, her aunt in New York, only for her to immediately bring her back. Ally and Maddie argue over the significance of the DNA test and Bonnie makes Ally see that Maddie is concerned that if the test is negative she will have to start trying to find her real mother all over again. Ally explains that she just needs something to prove that Maddie is really her daughter. Something to hold.

Claire tells Richard that she has found Jerry Bird and that she is divorced. She persuades Richard to go with her to confront her about the way she treated Richard. Trouble is when they turn up on the doorstep, Jerry turns out to be a bloke. Richard is crestfallen.

Raymond comes to Ally's house to accept her offer in person. As he leaves JBJ arrives to check on Ally, having returned the mad Helen to her rest home, and reassured her that death was pretty cool really. While he is still there the phone rings. Its the rest home (why would they have her number?). Helen has had a stroke and has passed away. JBJ leaves to pay his respects. As he does Elaine arrives with Ally's test results. She shoos Elaine away, but then cannot bring herself to open the envelope. Eventually she does and starts to cry.

Bonnie and Maddie come down the stairs and see her crying. She tells them it is because Maddie is her daughter. They hug. Aaaarrrrgggghhh.

In the bar Claire "sings" "You're nobody 'til somebody loves you" for Richard, who is mortified and drinks even more heavily than he was already. Elaine and Vanda have to come to the aid of the song before it dies a horrible death.

JBJ returns to see Ally again after he has waved goodbye to Helen. She makes him dance with her to "Some Enchanted Evening".

Woman 28 August 2002

Ally still cannot decide who she needs to get rid of to make the firm profitable, but Nelle is pretty sure she will be for the chop. Ally decides to intervene each associate and once completed she sacks Jenny. Jenny breaks down and when Glen rushes to her defence Ally sacks him too, only to reinstate him later. Ally tells Nelle that she needs to get warmer and that she needs to sing in the bar.

Meanwhile Richard has got the litigator bug and he takes on Claire Otam's case (Dame Edna Everage) of wrongful dismissal on grounds of her sexually harassing the young men that "she" works with. She explains to Richard that she was just lonely and that she was just trying to flirt.

In court Richard tells the judge that had she been a pretty young woman then the men would have enjoyed her flirting with them and would not have suggested that she was harassing them. Its discrimination against ugly woman (not to mention women with penises!). But despite his impassioned pleas they lose, but Claire and Corretta are impressed with Richard. He is so full of goodwill that he offers Claire a job with the firm as an Admin Manager (...thinks....this will not improve cash flow).

Ling decides to help Nelle with her bar performance, and enlists the help of Elaine to dub her voice and a backing singer to dub Nelle's. When it comes to performance time the backing singer loses her voice, but Claire Ottam steps in to "save" the day, or not as she cannot sing.

Ally has agreed that Maddie can have a sleepover and Victor has got it all sorted out for her. Ally suggests that they should have a glass of wine or two once the girls have gone to bed, but he tells her that they need to keep a clear head. Once at home the sleepover is going well, although Ally wants to join in as the girl's learn a dance routine. Victor stops her and suggests a glass of wine after he has read them a short story. Maddie interjects wanting to know what a french kiss is. Ally explains, but declines to demonstrate on Victor. When he eventually arrives downstairs the wine is poured, but Ally asleep.

After the bar performance Ling has returned to the office to check on Richard. He tells her that he sees her kinder side and walks her home. She tells him that she doesn't want to be a judge anymore, as she gets too lonely. They kiss before she goes indoors.

The New Day 21 August 2002

John has told Richard that he wants to leave the firm and just come in for the big trials. Ally meanwhile is trying to find the right school for Maddie, and she is proving to be a nightmare parent.

She wakes and tells Maddie its time for school, but Maddie says she does not want to go. Ally insists that she will and we later see her sitting in Maddie's class and embarrassing her.

At work Richard tells Ally about John's sudden departure and offers her a partnership. Its bad timing what with Maddie and all, but she warms to the idea of Fish & McBeal. Elaine is more than happy to fill Nelle in on the gossip, who is not happy at all that Ally should be offered a partnership before she is.

In court Corretta is acting for yet another solicitor who has been fired from their firm. This time its because she has AIDS. Raymond is acting for the heartless law firm. The Senior Partner admits that he fired her as she is dying, but not because of the fact that she is dying from AIDS. He tells the court that members of his firm had been on the first plane into the World Trade Centre, and that the firm cannot take any more loss.

Nelle has taken her complaint about Ally's partnership to the top, but Richard merely points out her major shortcoming. She is not warm enough to be a partner.

That evening Maddie tells Ally that she has invited some of her friends over. Ally gets upset that she was not consulted and Ally gets smart with her. Ally sees herself harming her, but thankfully the chiselled Victor intervenes to provide counselling.

In the trial Raymond gets the Senior Partner to offer $100,000 to settle the case and intimates that any award would be appealed all the way, so she may die before she gets it. But the offer is refused.

In the office Ally tells Elaine about her failure as a mother, and Nelle then tries to put Ally in her place over the new partnership. Ally is in no mood to take any crap and slaps Nelle back down telling her to let her have her timesheets by the end of the day.

Raymond has gone back to the Senior Partner and suggests he ups his offer, but he will not. Eventually we find out his son died of AIDS. Its a personal thing. Raymond suggests $300,000 will make it go away.

Ally has looked at the firm's books. They are making a loss. Richard has been paying the wages himself. Ally says that if she is to be partner there will need to be changes. Richard is happy to oblige and thinks she plans to can Nelle. Ally is paged to return home, and when she gets there Victor is comforting Maddie whose friends have failed to show. Ally suggests she gets back at them by drawing pictures of naked men and putting them in their books and then telling the teachers. Victor intervenes - this is not proper parenting - he'd know of course be a single plumber/carpenter/electrician chappie. Maddie tries to fire him, but he says she can't.

Next day Allie is babysitting Maddie. She fired the babysitter because she didn't like Moulin Rouge. Victor agrees to babysit for her. When she gets home that evening he has cooked for Maddie and Ally. Ally apologises, but then fires him again in the next breath when he tells her that she complains about everything. Eventually he agrees to babysit Maddie again and they are best buds.

In the court case the offer of $300,000 has been refused, and after impassioned closing arguments the jury find for the plaintiff and award her $360,000. The courtroom clears apart from the two protagonists, neither of whom has really won.

A Kick in the Head 14 August 2002

Ally is in her new home when a little girl calls at the door. She announces to Ally that she is Maddie, her genetic 10 year old daughter from an egg donated by Ally for infertility studies years before. Heh these things happen.

The new-improved Richard meanwhile announces that he will be conducting his first murder trial, with John as second chair. His client is a man who kicked his wife to death thinking she was a football. Richard crosses the prosecution witnesses, but omits to cover basic ground. John rescues him although Richard doesn't appreciate it. In evidence it transpires that the defendant also hit his wife, but he tells Richard and John that he thought she was a mosquito. He sees John as a coat rack and also a chair. He sees people as things. John decides to investigate further.

Maddie's aunt (Bonnie) arrives to reclaim her niece, whose father has died. She is an ex-lawyer turned struggling nightclub singer, who is persuaded to stay the night and sing in the bar. She sings a medley of tv show themes - nice!

John tells Richard that their client has a benign tumour which could mean he sees things as objects. They have a defence and a medical expert. Maddie meanwhile is at Ally's playing poker with Victor. She says she is used to being on her own.

Next day Ally asks Bonnie to leave Maddie with her, where she can look after her. Bonnie is upset by the idea, which they discuss again later at Ally's home. They decide they ought to listen to what Maddie really wants to do.

In the trial the medical expert gives evidence, but has to admit that even with the tumour the chances that he saw his wife as a football are probably 1,000,000 to 1. Its bad news and John tries to coax Richard not to close. Initially he is tactful, but in the end he resorts to "You have no business being in a court room. As a litigator you are a joke". Richard is hurt, but determined to close anyway.

As Ally and Bonnie go to talk with Maddie they hear her speaking with Victor. She says that she wants Bonnie back as her best friend, which she was before her father died. She is not sure that she wants to live with Ally though. Ally suggests to Bonnie that she is honest with herself and that her career is her priority at the moment.

In the trial Richard eventually gets up to close, and suddenly he has come of age. His closing is good, well no major gaffes and he ends by reminding the jury that his client can't fake a brain tumour.

Ally and Maddie discuss her living with Ally. Maddie says she feels a hole left by having no Mum and now no Dad. Ally says that she too feels a hole, which she thought would be filled by a man (please don't make up your own jokes), but that maybe it is Maddie.

In the trial Richard gets his Not Guilty verdict and they celebrate in the bar, where glen sings "Ain't that a Kick in the Head". John congratulates Richard on his handling of the case.

Maddie meanwhile says goodbye to Bonnie and she and Ally go to see her new room. Good job Ally just bought her new house.

One Hundred Tears 7 August 2002

Ally and Elaine are walking to the jail to see a new criminal client. Elaine is there as protection - a job she was built to do. On the way Ally smells a construction worker's bottom (reminiscing of something she did with Billy as a kid). It turns out to be Victor's (her handyman, played by John Bon Jovi). When they get to the jail he client informs Ally that he has been trying to trace her as he knows that she too can fly, just liek him. Ally is taken aback.

Meanwhile in the office Miss Pumple has been hired to find dates for Nelle, Corretta, Richard and John, but John declines by walking out. Richard confesses to him later that he is lonely.

In the criminal trial we learn that Harvey, the human swallow, has broken into his old house for the ninth time and jumped out of the window when confronted. Ally tells him that she wants to raise diminished capacity as a defence, but he just says he is not mad.

On the way to Harvey's apartment that evening Ally apologises to Victor for smelling his bottom and he takes the moral high ground by complaining that construction workers are not just sexual objects, but people. At Harvey's apartment Ally is astonished by the array of wings. She tells him that she still wants to argue diminished capacity, but he responds by saying she reminds him of Dulcinea - the song her father used to sing to her. 

In court the next day Harvey explains that he only broke in so that he could try and fly across the river outside his old bedroom window. He had dreamed about it as a child when his parent's argued. Its his chance to prove himself to have some worth.

Richard's date turns out to be an old woman with expansive wattle. Elaine's turns out to be Victor, to whom she sings and gyrates (and that is putting it nicely). He is not impressed.

Ally tells Harvey that the prosecution will drop the charges if he gives up the flying and breaking into the house. He tells he he needs one last try from the roof as he is dying from cancer. Ally and Harvey explain the situation to his sister who is understandably reticent, but agrees. As they leave Victor turns up and Ally is surprised when he tells her that he was Elaine's date. He is there to dump her, but Ally persuades him not to as she will think it was because her singing was awful, and that would just crush her. He ends up asking Elaine to dinner instead.

While this happens Richard has called a meeting at which the rest of the staff sing to John telling him that they need to find him a woman. Eventually the whole office get in on the act.

Later that day at his old house Harvey is ready to jump. Ally and his sister wait on the other side of the river. He jumps. He flies. He dies. But only after he has achieved what he wanted to do. Ally is sad, but his sister thanks her for making it possible.

Blowin' in the Wind 31 July 2002

Ally is walking along the roadside when her hat blows off, eventually coming to rest on a For Sale sign outside a derelict house. She is soon inside with the agent and offers to buy the house at the full asking price.

Next day a man walks into the office indicating that he needs representation. Ally agrees to take him on. Mr Walker (played by the slit-eyed guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun) is being sued for fraud by his wife for spending all his and her money and making her bankrupt. He spent all the money buying her presents to make her happy and always sees her singing (vaguely appropriate songs) rather than talking.

Meanwhile Jenny has a stiff neck and Corretta recommends a "special" chiropractor to her. He manages to sort out her neck and then gets her to lie face down on a vibrating chair which gives her an [orgasm] - we have put this word in square brackets as no-one in the show could bring themselves to say it, so we have had to guess.

Ally is very proud of her new house, but Richard describes it as a dump, but then volunteers to help do it up. Naturally he is useless. Later Elaine arrives and suggests to Ally that the purchase suggests she has resigned herself to living alone. Richard too suggests that it will scare off any potential suitors.

Jenny and Corretta discuss the chiropractor's secret. It is the chair. Jenny returns for another helping, but when she comes into the office she is flushed. Glenn has seen the look before and immediately thinks she is having an affair. Eventually she admits she has a relationship with the chair and he forbids her to see it again. Nelle has overheard conversion of the chair's therapeutic qualities and she has to have a go too. 

Ally uses her therapist Milter in her trial and shows him her new acquisition. He too says its a dump. Jon Bon Jovi turns up masquerading as a very clean "handyman", who has been sent by the bank. In court he confirms that Mr Walker is obsessive and addicted to making his wife happy.

Back at the office Richard recruits for a working party to do up Ally's place and Victor the "handyman" tells Ally her plumbing is shot to pieces. She hires him to fix it of course.

At the house the working party are arguing on the validity of Glen's ban on Jenny going back to the chair. Nelle suggests the men are threatened by women and the fact that they don't need men.

At court the jury find Mr Walker not guilty and he tries to get back with his wife, but she won't have him. 

Ally leaves the bar that night and wanders to her new house, which has been transformed. They have bought her a coat rack, as that is all she said she needed for it to be her home. She sits and enjoys it.

Playing with Matches 24 July 2002

Jenny's Mum is getting married to Tim, a much younger man. For some reason they are in the C&F office and Jenny is trying on her frumpy bridesmaid dress. She leaves and Tim seems to hit on Ally.

Kimmy Bishop returns to see John whom she needs to represent her in a case against a matchmaker, who couldn't find her a match. In fact she said she was unmatchable. John take sit on with Corretta as second chair.

Ally goes to see Milter her therapist and asks if she should tell Frances about Tim's advances. Milter sits on the fence and Ally has an hallucination of a young boy carrying skates. Confused Ally asks Glenn what she should do, and when Jenny overhears they agree that she needs to be certain before saying anything. Ally tries to get Elaine to seduce Tim, but she merely points her breasts at him and jiggles them around with her ViBra. Ally takes up the challenge and asks if he fancies a quick fling. He says no, but as he leaves he tells her that he's be happy to have an affair.

Ally tells Jenny and Glenn about Tim, but while she does so Frances walks in. Ally gives her the bad news, but she is unflustered. They have an open relationship. Left alone Ally sees her little boy again, who tells her that she is killing him.

In the bar that evening Ally and John are talking. He has had a bad day as a surprise witness for Kimmy went wrong. Vonda starts to warble "Last Dance" the song her hallucination sang, and Ally drags John onto the dance floor and goes beserk.

Next day Ally sees the boy again in the unisex and Richard catches her. She tells Richard about the boy and he swiftly tells her that the boy is her and indicates that she is beginning not to believe in love.

In the court room Corretta questions Miss Pimple and asks her to look at certain members of the public gallery and ask if she can set them up. She gets to a ravishing brunette and Miss P assures her she could. It turns out to be Kimmy. This leads to a compromise settlement whereby Miss P agrees to give Kimmy another chance.

The wedding reception is in the bar of course and John and Corretta dance, Raymond and Kimmy dance, Glenn and jenny dance and Frances and Tim dance. Nelle sits alone and Ally goes off and ice skates like a world champion (in fact like a former US no5 - slightly bigger butt than Calista, but nice none the less).

Nine One One 17 July 2002

A thinly veiled tribute to the victims of the September 11th bombings, but, contrived though it was, one of the best episodes for a while none the less.

Its Christmas (again!) and Ally stops to talk to a man who is sobbing in a graveyard. He is a priest and he is mourning the death of his young wife. As a result of her death he has lost God, and therefore lost his job. He has now found a lawyer.

John is acting for a man against the Mayor of Jackman, who has effectively cancelled Christmas due to a catastrophic fire which killed many of the community and its firemen and has left the town in financial crisis. John is on a mission and his application before Judge Walsh inspired.

Turns out the sacked minister has a son who sings, only now he does not. Sounds familiar? Ally goes to see him and, of course, its Josh Groban as Malcolm. Ally talks with them both and unconvincingly gets them both to see that they have not lost a wife and mother, but gained a ghost. The minister is quickly reinstated and Malcolm agrees to try and sing again.

In court the Mayor argues that it is inappropriate in all the circumstances to celebrate Christmas, but John emotionally counters that perhaps now it is more important to celebrate Christmas than at any other time. Judge Walsh tells the parties that he cannot make the Mayor reinstate the parade, but that the Mayor cannot refuse a permit to those who want to organise their own.

In church the Minister introduces his son and Malcolm sings as Ally, amongst the congregation cries. In Jackman the parade take place with John Cage and firemen in attendance, and in the bar the rest of the C&F crew drink and dance. Life goes on.

Lost & Found 10 July 2002

Ally tells therapist Milter about a hot date with Glenn and how she stopped herself from having sex with him at the last minute. Glen is not too chuffed.

The Biscuit nonchalantly returns, but won't say why he left or where he has been - "Move Along Richard". He is mortified when he discovers that Richard has taken over his Hole (too many hole gags guys).

In John's absence Richard has had to take a litigation case on. He is acting for Nancy Gower who has an order preventing her from associating with older men, because she keeps ripping them off. She has now found true love and wants the restriction lifted. Richard babbles his way through the court hearing, until Corretta takes over.

Ally meanwhile appears to have come to the office either dressed for a 60's Party, or she could only find a nice pair of white wellies to wear that morning. She tries to apologise to Glen for her teasing and suggests dinner, which Raymond then turns into a double date with Jenny. Ally goes to talk with Jenny about how this may be awkward only to find out it is her birthday, but that no-one remembered. In the restaurant its clear that Jenny and Glen are still in love. Back at the bar Glen sings "You are always on my mind" to Jenny as a birthday present, at Ally's suggestion. Raymond suggests to Ally that neither he nor she will be getting any tonight. "Oink" she responds.

Next day Glen tells Jenny that he still loves her and they agree to get back together.

In the court case Judge Walsh lifts the order on Nancy allowing her to marry, but the next day her fiance comes into to see Richard and tells him and Corretta that he is in fact a policeman and that they may have to testify against Nancy, whom he believes has absconded to the airport. Just at the point she enters and is devastated by the deception.

After much badgering John finally delivers an explanation to the office of why he left. He cannot stand the shallowness and materialism which is rife in the office and amongst his erstwhile friends. Me thinks he can see the end of the series coming. With Milter Ally questions whether she should love John, but Milter shows her that she in fact still loves Larry.

I Want Love 3 July 2002

Jenny and Raymond have kissed, but Jenny is not sure that it was a wise move and is trying to cool him off.

Meanwhile Ally and Glenn defend Jenny's mother Frances, played by Jacqueline Bissett, in a sexual harassment suit. She was sacked for dating a much younger man. Richard is smitten by her, but cannot get close.

While working together on the case Glenn sees certain parallels in their own relationship and finally they kiss, but the spark does not seem to be there.

Ling tries to spice things up for her TV show and ends up having a wedding band perform in her court room. 

Elton John performs at the bar - hence the episode title.

Fear of Flirting 26 June 2002

The rejected John has done a bunk, but Richard shows his usual compassion.

Glen and Ally continue to try and keep apart, but Ally decides the only way is to take some holiday. 

Raymond is being sued for sexual harassment by a female attorney whom he beat in a personal injury case and decides that he must have Jenny represent him. His reasoning is that she is cute and has freckles. In court the attorney puts up some strong evidence against Raymond including his asking her to "tame his meat weasel". Jenny is not impressed, but crosses her well, getting her to agree that female attorneys use their sexuality too with jurors. It transpires that Raymond even kissed the attorney and alone in Jenny's office he demonstrates how it came about, but stops short of kissing Jenny who was ready to be kissed.

In the bar that evening Raymond confides to Glen that he likes Jenny, but Glen warns him not to upset her, although he professes not to mind if they go out together.

Next day Glen talks to Jenny about Raymond and her getting together, but she sees it as an excuse for him to feel free to date Ally. Glen tells her she is wrong and that it was Raymond's idea for him to talk with her.

Richard meanwhile has checked out John's hideaway hole, and when he finds it free he decides to move in, much to Nelle and Corretta's disgust.

Raymond is called to give evidence and much to Jenny's surprise he does well, suggesting that he is merely exploiting a weakness in that beautiful women buy into the theory that they are not as clever as men. Jenny closes by saying that she is an attorney too and that she doesn't want or need to be treated any differently just because she is a woman.

As they wait for the verdict Jenny and Raymond are on the verge of agreeing to go out together when the jury return. They find for the plaintiff, but award her only 75 cents.

In the bar that night Raymond sings and all the girls engines rev. Ally meanwhile (remember her) is advised by therapist Milter to get all dressed up and pretend she is going out, as its the expectation which is better than the reality. 

Raymond walks Jenny home and they kiss. Ally meanwhile sits alone all dressed up in her best frock to the strains of "I think I'm alone now" throttled by Vanda.


Neutral Corners 19 June 2002

Raymond or Glen, which will Ally go with, or perhaps both? Raymond confides in Glen that he does actually like Ally and Glen encourages him to ask her out once the telephone company case is over.

In the case Ally and Glen try to push Jenny into accepting Raymond's offer on behalf of the phone companies, but she is determined to hold out for more. Ally hits on the idea of creating an ad for tv to try and recruit more plaintiffs. They show the ad to Raymond and co, and Glen demands $15 million, which ultimately they agree to pay. Richard's joy at the firm's biggest ever settlement is difficult to control.

John returns from his "week at the spa" and is suitably muscle-bound. Despite the many favourable comments he is not comfortable with the deception. He again turns to Richard for advice who tells him that he will have to tell Ally how he really feels and take the consequences. John decides to grasp the nettle and tells Ally how she feels, but she says she can never be physically attracted to him.

Glen then makes his play for Ally, admitting his interest in her, but ultimately they decide that they cannot get together as this would not be fair to Jenny.

Ling has a leaving party, as she is now a judge, and insists that Glen sings, as none of the others can with the exception of Elaine and she is only a secretary. 

Judge Ling 12 June 2002

Ling is appointed a judge after she compliments a Governor on her delectable twins (yeh like that would happen?) and then gets offered her own tv show into the bargain. Naturally she brings her own form of justice to her courtroom. 

In the big telephone company case the name client in their class action (who Jenny has never met) turns out to be Dame Edna Everidge and a disaster (in more than one sense). They lose the merit hearing, but Judge Walsh helpfully lets them refile under nuisance.  

John, meanwhile, cannot work out what to do about Ally. Helpfully Corretta offers him a man makeover, which involves a full body suit and butt pack, to put muscles where you really don't want them. He tells the firm that he is off to a health farm for a week so that no-one will suspect.

Friends and Lovers 5 June 2002

Ally is happily scooting herself to work, when, she tells Steven Milter (the lawyer who tilts his head with every "c" word, who has now become her therapist), she meets herself. In fact she bumps into the befreckled young Jenny Shaw, who inadvertently admits to having the same "issues" as Ally once did - working with an ex-lover, whom she still misses.

Ally befriends Jenny and hires her for C&F and takes her along to the office, discovering on the way that Jenny's boyfriend used to tickle her uterus via her foot. A neat trick. Ally tells her new therapist (to whom we repeatedly cut back) that she wanted to be Jenny's mentor.

Ally introduces Jenny at the morning meeting as their new attorney, but Richard points out that they have just taken on Corretta (Larry's former assistant) and also a new associate that morning. However when Jenny tells them that she sued the phone companies for trying to sell her their services over the phone and that this has turned into a class action by 72,000 applicants, Richard welcomes her with open arms. It is at this point that Elaine introduces Glen Foy. Jenny takes a double take. "It's him", she tells Ally, who also take a double take when she realises that it is Jenny's ex, and that he is quite fit. He quit their old firm when he heard that she had been sacked.

At the therapists Ally admits that she shouldn't be interested in Glen. "He is so GQ" and he is Jenny's ex. Milter asks Ally to take his hand, for no apparent therapeutic reason.

In the office Jenny is upset because her old firm won't release the files to her. Ally says she'll help her and Jenny asks what she thinks of Glen. She says that he is nice. Jenny tells her that she thinks she needs to have another best friend and asks if Ally is available. She tells her that she has a best friend who is also male. She tells her that she loves John Cage. John happens to be passing and hears this to his surprise. He has to leave when Elaine catches him listening to Ally and Jenny and therefore he misses the part where Ally explains that she could never go out with him as there is no chemistry between them. John meanwhile has rushed into Richard's office and announces in a shocked voice "Ally loves me".

Later Jenny comes to take Ally to court with her. Glen meanwhile is telling Richard that he doesn't think he can stay and work with Jenny again. Corretta suggests he gives it a week, before John rushes up and drags Richard off and he is in crisis mode.

Outside the courtroom Ally and Jenny bump into her ex boss, and his attorney Raymond Milbury. Ally checks her clothes and her breasts - a sure sign according to Jenny that she fancies him. Ally denies it.

In John's hideaway through one of the unisex toilets he tells Richard that he is "upended" by Ally's revelation. Richard suggests he makes a move, but John explains that if he makes a move that will intimidate Ally and she won't love him anymore. Richard suggests that he will have to get Ally to pursue him, by showing that he is available. John thinks this is the right thing to do.

In court Jenny and Raymond spar as he tries to get her thrown off the case due to a potential, but spurious, conflict of interest. Judge Walsh will have none of it, but sets the next day for a hearing about the validity of the class action.

That night in the bar John tries to act Mr Cool in the bar with Ally, but it is as much as Richard can do not to choke on his drink. Ally is not quite sure what is happening.

Back with therapist Milter he tells Ally that all women like to take a man and then change him into what they want, and then they dump him as he is not the man they married. At their next session Ally tells him that she thinks he is wrong and that this is not what she wants. In which case Mr Milter suggests that her desire for Glen is purely physical and that she should "go to herself with him in mind" to purge these thoughts. 

Next day Jenny and Ally arrive at the office on identical scooters. Richard takes Ally to one side and tells her that she needs to convince Glen to stay. She and Richard bump into one another and after Ally apologises John nonchalantly remarks "That's OK Pork Chop". Ally is bemused. Raymond is in with Glen and they put an offer to Jenny and Ally to settle her case. They will pay her $75,000 to drop the case. In some warped sense of logic they suggest that this would go to her. She declines and tells Glen, who is a party to the deal where to get off.

Back at the the therapists Milter suggests that Ally has ageing issues and once again tells her that she needs to extinguish her evil thoughts. 

In the unisex John is working on a new smile when Corretta enters. John asks her, hypothetically, if lovers can be friends, such as Jenny and Glen and she says that they can. He goes on to ask if friends can turn into lovers, but Corretta categorically says no. He is crushed but then she throws him a lifeline by telling him of her own situation where a friend did become a passionate lover when he took the direct approach, but, she says, this was an exception.

In the bar that evening John discusses Corretta's example with Richard and then eulogises about Ali, telling him that she is magic and that she sees things in people which others do not. Suddenly Ally appears and John jumps out of his skin. Richard takes the opportunity to repeat what John has said as a justification for asking Ally to get Glen to stay. John is not pleased.

That night Ally tries to extinguish the flame, but fails.

Next morning John is still angry with Richard for making fun of him, but then admits to Richard, and to himself, that he loves Ally. Richard apologises and tells him that if that is the case that he should be direct with her, no matter what the consequences. He decides to take the Witless Sage's advice.

Ally and Jenny are about to leave for court when Glen corners them. Ally checks he outfit and her boobs (not that that takes long). Jenny notices. She excuses herself and Glen tells Ally that he is thinking of leaving, but before she can comment John whisks her to one side and tells her " I want you. You want me. Let's just get on with business." Ally looks at him for a moment and then tells him that she is not in the mood for jokes this morning and leaves for court. John's nose whistles out of control.

In court Judge Walsh asks Jenny to justify her class action. He wants to know what damage the people concerned have suffered as it needs to be the same for them all. Jenny argues that the telephone companies deliberately interrupt people's privacy, time after time. The Judge suggests that people should just not answer the phone (heh Judge what's the point of owning one then?), but this give jenny the opportunity to explain that people have to answer the phone in case it is an emergency or they are desperately waiting for someone to call. At the back of the court Glen realises she is talking about him.

Back at the office Glen comes in to discuss the situation with Jenny. She won't admit that she was waiting for him to call, and she tells him that he is impossible to be with, but not impossible to love. They agree that they can work together and he offers to be second chair in her case which the Judge has confirmed can go ahead.

In the bar an ageing Boz Scaggs croaks away (or is it Vanda in drag?). Richard leaves Ally and John to talk and as John tries to move in Ally tells him that she is so pleased to have what they have - a purely platonic relationship. John is crushed (a bit like his frog was....way back). Susan appears and Glen sings "That's why the Lady is a Tramp" to her. John meets Richard at the bar and tells him he has decided not to tell Ally how he feels. In fact he doesn't really love her.

Back with Milter he tells Ally that she is obviously protecting Jenny from becoming like her. She ask what she is like and he tells her that she wants love, but doesn't really believe in it. He tells her "You really want that boy!"

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