Just in case you missed an episode here's the Web's definitive Ally McBeal review. 

Here's a brief rundown of Series Two (we were just starting out then). 

(Wed 30/11/99) I Know Him By Heart

A sad day for McBeal fans here in the UK as this is the last in the present series. If you can't wait for the next series you can, of course, find out what is happening over in the USA via the web, but we won't spoil your fun here.

Ally appears on the edge of a breakdown as she stumbles to the end of this series. Al Green appears to her almost everywhere and the divide between reality and imaginary seems more blurred than ever. She decides to take some time off work, only to be visited by Fish, having deemed that the Biscuit was far too nutty to be entrusted with such a job - besides pretty girl, bedroom - this is Fish territory. He tells her she needs to stop sitting back and waiting for the right man to come along and to get out there and find him for herself. Advice which she takes to heart and which obviously affects her hair for a short time as it goes violently crinkly. Ally & Renee hit the town, but with little success.

Cage is obviously concerned, which troubles Nell. She is obviously jealous of Ally and the "connection" between her and Cage. This troubles Cage so much he can't stop himself swinging round and round on the unisex toilet door frame. Finally he dismounts in a somewhat painful manner and he and Nell have a heart to heart - they are falling in love, but she will never make him give up Barry White!

As for Ally, Ling accuses her of being a lesbian, but then tries to help her out by finding 15 of the most eligible men in the city for her. She rejects them all. The series closes with her going round and round alone on a carousel........

(Wed 24/11/99) Love's Illusion

Sometimes I get the impression that AM is sponsored by the American Psychiatric Society or the League of Friendly Psychiatrists, so much are we asked to live through Ally's angst. This was one of those episodes, with Ally hitting a peak of depression over her inability to find her "true love". If she did ever find him he would probably crush her to death in their first passionate embrace.

As you might expect Ally's position is not helped by the trial that she is currently working on (must be nice to only have one at a time!!). A former husband has brought criminal charges against former wife for fraud. He says she only married him for his money and never really loved him. She says she did love him, but that she only settled for him because she never thought Mr Right would ever come along. Cue Ally's neurosis and her fantasy world, where the judge turns in to a singing Al Green and the jury into a Baptist-style choir singing along. Ally & Cage win the case, but Ally cannot hide her empathy with the losing husband's point of view.

Meanwhile Richard finally manages to get Ling into bed, only to be let down by a less than upright performance. A quick visit to the doc and he outperforms even Ling - not something she is used to. As for Billy and Georgia their relationship appears to be getting a second wind, as they attempt to make love in the unisex toilet facility - beats meeting down the Rovers I suppose - only to crash into full view as the stall door opens. Embarrassing, but kinda good for the ego...and boy must Billy have strong legs to hold her up for that long. Go Billy! Go Billy! Go Billy!

(Wed 17/11/99 - A Double Bill) The Green Monster & Only the Lonely

Was this to compete with the football? If so it worked for me. After a pretty dire first half between England and Scotland I was more than happy to turn over.

In the first episode we had the face bra claim and the bathing suit day at work claim from the not so petite disgruntled female employee. What's a face bra I hear you ask? Its Elaine's (or is it?) money-spinning invention, which looks suspiciously like a jock strap for the face. The idea (and its almost believable that the Americans would go for it) is that the face bra holds the face to prevent sagging and wrinkles. Suddenly it has taken off and Elaine is just looking forward to realising every American's dream - ie becoming so rich that you can afford to employ teams of lawyers - when an aunt slaps a lawsuit in her lap. She claims her deceased daughter invented the face bra and Elaine has merely stolen the idea. Ally and Georgia leap to Elaine's defence, but begin to have their doubts as seven witnesses swear it was Elaine's cousin who came up with the invention and they discover that the cousin has also filed for a patent on the design. Will no-one believe poor Elaine? Of course they all have to eat humble pie when Elaine produces a long lost video of herself and her cousin discussing the face bra. "What's a face bra? " asks the cousin - the defence rests.

In court Billy and Georgia are defending an employer who invites his staff to have a bathing suit day in the office - both men and women. He finds it helps them relax...um, nice idea but I think not. But still they win the day and its a good excuse for some half naked bodies to appear in court. And talking of half-naked bodies Nell and Cage finally got their kit off together. Whilst not an altogether pretty sight you've got to hand it to Cage for overcoming years of trauma and therapy.

Moving on to tonight's second episode which involved another defeat for Cage - two in two weeks, surely this cannot be? Has the Biscuit lost it? Well yes and no. A disgruntled wife, fed up with her husband's constant infidelity decides to get her own back. What better way than to raise his beloved piano into the air and to drop it on his vintage Porsche? However a pretty clear cut case of criminal damage. The jury agree, but award the disgruntle husband just 35 cents - that's justice.

Ally, meanwhile, having got over Billy (so to speak) is now pining again for Greg. Her eleven phonecalls remain unanswered and she sees Greg with another woman. Drastic measures required so Ling arranges for one of her male escorts (she has a string of them on tap) to be seen with Ally by Greg. Trouble is he produces girlfriend again, and after Ally and "friend" have knocked them dead in the bar with an impromptu song, Greg and sidekick knock them even deader. We also discover Georgia's lack of talent behind the mike (and boy is she getting thin - she'll be competing with Ally soon). The plan appears to have backfired, but no, who should appear in Ally's office next day, but Greg. See you next week....

(Wed 10/11/99) Let's Dance

Deep sighs of relief around the Davies household this week - Billy and Georgia have decided to give it another go, but only after several excruciating episodes and yet another visit to yet another shrink. This storyline has had its moments, including this week's grilling of Ally by the shrink, but if every man (or woman) who kissed another woman (or man) went through this then the divorce rate would be even higher than its current 30%.

Shock horror number two - Cage lost a case. Admittedly he was helped by Fish's usual forthright attitude, this time on women at work, and lesbians obvious hatred of men. Female partner passed over for partnership after she has a baby sues her former employer - a law firm. Cage argues that she was no longer as committed to the firm. Nell closes with the "not every woman wants a baby" argument and the "I want to be treated equally for doing the same amount of work" argument - it falls on deaf ears.

Meanwhile Cage learns the "knee pit" technique which seems to work on Renée and Ally both insults and compliments Elaine in getting Ling to help her out as her partner in a swing dance contest - Ling could not have looked less like a man and was far to short for Elaine, but what the heck. Close with another sequence of them all dancing together in the bar below the office. On to next week's double bill...

(Wed 3/11/99) Those Lips, That Hand

Another cracker from the mad cap AM team. Ally's 29th birthday; Cage's 35th. Together they defend a man accused of murdering his sick wife. The only evidence is her severed hand found in the back seat of his car. The prosecution (Renée - Ally's flatmate for those of you not in the know - and yes the law really is that incestuous even in the UK) say that it is clear that he removed his wife's hand whilst she was still alive, in order to shock her to death. His defence, well.....love. He says that he found her dead and only cut off her hand because he loved her so much. It'll never wash....

Meanwhile Billy and Georgia are at least working together, if nothing else. If Billy apologises one more time for kissing Ally I think I will throw up, but hey ho there it is. They find themselves acting for a man who has lost his job as an insurance salesman - the reason - a rather noticeable combover. If you thought Bobby Charlton's was bad you ain't seen nothing. Reluctantly the plaintiff agrees for Ling to give him a haircut, so he can get his job back. The moral here - It ain't what you look like its the person inside that counts!!

Back to the murder trial. Ally believes the defendant, but Cage, suffering mid-life angst and no woman in his life is not so sure. Ally will do the closing in that case. Having been called hopeless by Renée for believing the ludicrous defence of her client, Ally closes with the big "I wish I could know love as strong as his" and, of course, the jury buy it.

Down to the bar to celebrate. Ally gets a song from Elaine. Cage just wants everyone to forget his birthday, but Nell has other ideas. Enter Stage Rear Barry White - you know the one with the very deep voice - Cage's hero, singing Cage's song - "My Everything". Genuine glee on the little fellow's face. What a great birthday present? And in the style of all good lawyers they all have a bop together.

(Wed 27/10/99) Civil War 

Sometimes you get the feeling that the script writers for Ally McBeal congregate down the pub on a Friday night and only after several pints of lager come up with the script for the next episode. Then you realise that its American and the whole concept of going down the pub on a Friday night would be completely foreign to them - quite literally.

This week's central theme revolved around a date rape trial. The twist - Fish and Georgia for the defendant - the son of a very wealthy client of the firm, and Cage and Ally for the female defendant. The potential conflict of interest was neatly brushed under the carpet to allow the plot to continue, with the not so subtle sub-plots of the two senior partners rivalling each other to be top dog, and Georgia and Ally not exactly seeing eye to eye due to recent events.

The outcome - well it had to be a draw didn't it? Love conquered all as the couple realised that they did in fact love each other, following Fish's emotional closing. Forgotten were all the acrimonious exchanges and the fact that the defendant had feigned interest in every area of his "victim's" life in order to get her into bed.

Wealthy father agrees to pay fees for both parties, so Fish is more than happy. But it could never really happen in real life - could it? Frequently barristers from the same chambers both prosecute and defend in the same case. So perhaps its not so far from the truth...

(Wed 20/10/99) Sex Lies & Politics

Back to its best this week, having got the Ally loves Billy, loves Greg thing under control. The big trial this week featured the new recruit Ling and "Biscuit" (Richard Fish's pet name for his slightly cookie partner), aka John Cage, in an unlikely partnership bringing an action against a US Senator for effectively putting a small bookstore out of business through some over-zealous campaigning against pornographic literature.

Cage was at his best with Ling a willing sidekick. As Cage examines his own witness Ling rises to her feet "I object, I'm bored." she says. Cage rolls his eyes and sucks in his cheeks. We suspect that he is troubled by this. Its a ploy of course and Ling plays it to perfection. She then closes to the jury building up the sympathy vote with a few well chosen Chinese sentences at the end - apparently an old Chinese proverb - in fact nothing of the sort, but its all in the delivery. The verdict - well inevitably a win for Cage & Ling. And the subplot.....Could love be blossoming here??

And speaking of love, what of Ally? She spends the entire episode in guilt. She can't look at Georgia without seeing her head beating like a heart. She and Billy determine to keep their kiss to themselves, but Billy can't hold back and tells Georgia.....bad move Billy. Ally apologises, but Georgia will not let it go. Will she and Billy split??.......................

(Wed 13/10/99) Sideshow

Even for avid Ally fans this must have been the most tedious episode to date. The "Will she, won't she? question over Ally's relationship with Billy, took up the entire episode and still remains unresolved. This could have been a storyline from Eastenders, rather than this slick American comedy.

The only relief from the navel gazing came came in the shape of Tracey Ullman, as Ally's forthright shrink, who both Billy and Ally went to see together, but even that failed to keep me awake until the end. Better next week we hope.

(Wed 6/10/99) Pyramids on the Nile

If you have never caught Ally McBeal - Wednesday's at 10pm on Channel 4 then you have been missing a treat. It's a zany black comedy series about a very strange law firm in the USA. However having worked in the law for over 16 years it is not as far off the mark as some people might think.

Anyway if you are an avid fan and you missed the last episode he's a brief resume of what you missed....

Richard Fish has decided to hire Ling, much to the horror and consternation of the Georgia, Billy and Ally. His reason was that she licked his finger - about as close as Richard can get to sleeping with Ling, which he desperately wants to do.

Meanwhile John Cage and Nell tried a case for wrongful dismissal of a couple who had dared to fall in love at work which was against company policy. The opponents were a major company, including a team of seven lawyers. Much publicity for the firm and plenty of good one liners from the inimitable Cage. As the Lead Lawyer objected to a Cage comment he retorts "But I didn't hear any objection from the other six lawyers". They rise together and object. Cage replies "In that case I must be wrong" and sits down. Bound to lose Cage closes describing his failed relationship with Nell. Jury find for the couple and award nearly a million dollars in damages.

Meanwhile Ally and Greg are getting on famously. Trouble is Billy, her childhood sweetheart, who ran off to college with Georgia, can't take the strain. He snaps after seeing Ally and Greg in a passionate embrace, and chews Ally out for failing in a simple application. True to form they eventually make-up and have a heart-to-heart over a beer - but not in the bar in their basement just for change. Billy can contain himself no longer and professes his undying love for Ally. Ally walks off. In love with Greg now, but never out of love with Billy. What can she do? She keeps trying to think of Georgia, but late in the office Billy apologises and before you know it they're kissing.....

Cue titles....more next week. We'll be there.

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