Just in case you missed an episode here's the Web's definitive Ally McBeal review. 

Here's what you missed in Series Three. 

(Wednesday 22/11/00) Ally McBeal - The Musical, Almost
Well I suppose you had to expect it from the title (if you knew it beforehand, as they don't actually tell you on the programme itself and most of the tv listings don't know), but perhaps this episode took the cringe factor just that little too far. Creator David E Kelley seems to have a fascination not only with sex, but also with music and getting his actors to sing to us. As much as we love The Biscuit we could probably live without his singing - It troubles me!!

Anyway Ally has decided to introduce Brian, the new love in her life, to her parents, but her father, in particular, is not very receptive and Ally cannot help being flustered and awkward in their combined presence.

John Cage meanwhile is back with his therapist, not unfortunately our own Tracey Ullman. He is troubled too (and he hasn't sung yet!). Its his 36th birthday. He apparently feels like a "curmudgeon toad" (I had to look it up too - it means "bad-tempered" apparently). Seems to happen around his birthdays.

Nelle has her own problems too. She tells her dishy lawyer, Hope, that she never wanted to leave Cage & Fish. She was just trying to punish "the dweeb" (John Cage). Hope says she can probably get her back in with Fish, whom she let "go down on her button" (is that as rude in the US as it sounds here?). Nelle says she has had it tough and then we cut to Renée singing "The Blues" - John and Nelle join in from their respective scenes.........urmmmmmmm yup, moving on........

Ally & Brian are now at dinner with Ally's parents. Things are no better. Ally still can't relax and laughs hysterically at every comment. Her mother and father are stilted and awkward and her father and Brian barb each other constantly. Ally hears "I Will Survive" and checks under the table for the disco queen. Then the returning waiter bursts into "Relax and Enjoy Yourself". Then Brian takes a turn, then her parents. Ally collapses onto the table (I know how she feels). Then sees herself singing to her mother and father as a young teenager. The rest of the bar now sing "Relax and Enjoy Yourself". She can't take any more and leaves.

Next morning Ally is talking to her father in her office and blames him for last night's fiasco. She reminds him that she is 30 years old and that she does not need his approval for her boyfriends. She asks why he wasn't at Billy's funeral and he reminds her that he was in London, and that she shouldn't talk to him like that. Ally replies that she is going to have lunch with the man in her life.

Richard and John are talking in Richard's office. Fish tells Cage that he is going to meet with Nelle. Cage is furious. He tells Richard he hates her, but Richard can't believe this extreme reaction (does he forget she dumped him butt first, whilst he was stuck in a lift?). John recounts another troubled childhood story about being fat and sings the song they used to sing about him. He made up his mind then not to be fat and not to be ridiculed. Nelle crossed that line. On cue, she enters downstage. "What about you?" she says, picking up on his crossed the line remark. "You disapprove of what I am, which hurts more than being stuck in a lift". John is unrepentant and tells her to leave. She goes.

Back at Ally's apartment, Ally asks Brian to take her to bed, but he refuses as she is just trying to get back at her Dad. Ally says this is not the case. Brian suggests the best alternative - he'll dance with her. "He'd hate that". They dance. I can feel a song coming on.....oh no its Richard singing ( and we use the term loosely) "Can't Keep a Good Man Down", which Brian continues and then Elaine carries on in the bar.

Brian continues to dance with Ally and tells her that now he too is ready to make love, but she says that now she doesn't want to. She quotes a line from the Music Man and to her surprise he continues the quote. She tells him that her favourite song is "Lida Rose" from the show, which she used to sing with her father. Brian starts to sing, but he is singing the girl's part. They move to the piano (has she always had a piano?) and Brian plays as Ally sings. Her father comes in unnoticed (good job they weren't in flagrante!) and watches and recalls when he sang it with the young Ally. He leaves before they see him.

Nelle is in her office packing up her books when John enters. He can't believe that his opinions of her actually wounded her. Nelle says that he had been unable to love her as he couldn't like her. John says he did love her, but Nelle responds with "Not like you loved her" in reference to Ally.

Ally is now in her office having a heart to heart with her mother, who tries to explain her father's attitude. He wants her to be happy, but doesn't want to lose her. Ally says that is ridiculous and asks her mother what is in it for her. She explains that her father is her only link to Ally. Ally is wounded and tells her mother that she is her daughter. As she leaves her mother asks Ally to tell Brian how much she enjoyed meeting him.

In the bar its party time. Elaine sings with Renée and Georgia (her last show we understand) as backing singers. Hope appears and talks to Richard and Nelle apologises for her behaviour. John apologises for hurting her. Nelle says that she loved working at Cage and Fish. The girls sing "Take me Back". Nelle says the practice of law is only as good as the people you work with and that she wants to work with them. Richard says its John's call and he says its OK. Richard tells Hope that its time she did something for him. She offers sex, but against character (and commonsense) he turns it down and asks her to perform for John's birthday.

Ally is not at the party yet, but in the unisex when her father appears. He tells her he wrote her a song, but she says she just wanted him to be nice to Brian. She tells her father that she thinks she loves him, but that she cannot share that with him, and then leaves.

Ally and Brian chat in the bar and Brian tells her that her father has betrayed her - he has turned out to be less than perfect. Richard stands to toast John on his birthday, and then announces Nelle's return. She stands to respond, but collapses drunk without finishing her speech.

Hope performs "Hanky Panky" with the lyrics "spank me". Richard hands John a hairbrush, and Hope waggles her bottom expectantly. Embarrassed, and rather reluctantly, John taps her with the brush.

Brian has to leave and he tells Ally to call her father. She is reluctant. They stare at each other and Ally remarks that she has a boyfriend. She tells him that its been a long time since she felt like this. They kiss passionately.

In the bar Renée and Hope are singing and Ling is trying to get Richard back. She feels threatened by Hope. In a touching moment she tells Richard that the men she has been out with have much too much depth, and that she misses that shallow thing they had.

Nelle staggers back from the john (small "j") towards John. John asks if he can be honest and she says he can. "You have a little vomit on your nose" - Who said romance was dead?

Ally returns to her apartment and her father is there. He tells her he is happy for her and that he had no excuse not to be at Billy's funeral. He just didn't want to see his little girl being hurt. Ally says she'd like to hear the song he wrote for her. He sits at the piano and sings about Ally and Billy and how he broke her heart. Ally cries quietly.

(Wednesday 15/11/00) Hope & Glory
Nelle is discussing her imminent departure from Cage & Fish Associates with her attractive red-haired lawyer (the daughter from Cybill for those who like to know these things). They decide she needs to have Elaine with her, even though she cannot stand her, as she is the only one with access to the client files, which Nelle will need.

In the bar Macie Gray is strutting her stuff and Ally and Brian are having a not so quiet drink. She is a bit miffed that he didn't call her for two days. He explains this is because he did not want to appear too eager - which he admits he is. Ally is flattered and they dance together. John and Richard enter the bar and spot the dancing couple and look on with growing surprise as the couple kiss passionately.

Next day at the office Nelle emerges from the lift and asks Elaine if she can speak with her. She suggests that she would like Elaine to come and work for her as a paralegal at twice her salary and with more autonomy, but knows that she will not be interested. Elaine is shocked, but agrees to think about it.

Ally meanwhile is admiring herself in the mirror in the unisex. She is perky and looks contented with herself (Big Question - Did they have sex?). Mark enters and she tries to control her feelings as she talks to him. He asks if her relationship with Brian is serious and she says this is a private matter. He explains he only asked as he was going to ask her out to dinner. Ally suggests this may be inappropriate and then, as Richard would have warned him, first John, then Richard and then finally Brian, emerge from separate cubicles.

Elaine has thought it over and comes back in to see Nelle, but in Phase II of her master plan, Nelle rescinds the offer before Elaine can even accept. She swears Elaine to secrecy and then tells her that it is because Richard does not think she is capable of being a paralegal. Nelle promises to work on them if Elaine is still interested. Elaine leaves suitably dejected.

The obviously in love Ally has gone out for a wander and stops outside a bridal shop and pictures herself in the gown in the window - Is that nice Mr Kelley setting her up for another fall?

Back in the office Ling is speaking to Nelle. She knows something is afoot, but cannot quite put her finger on it. Nelle is playing her cards close to her chest. Nelle calls Elaine into her office again - Phase III. She tells her, in the strictest confidence, that she is going to leave and set up on her own, and that she would like her to come with her. She offers her $85,000 per year as her paralegal. Elaine asks for time to think and Nelle tells her she must have an answer today. Elaine thinks for a couple of seconds and says yes. She says she wants to tell Ally, but Nelle tells her she can't, and then slips into the conversation the need to download the case files, in case they need them. Elaine is uneasy. Nelle empathises and suggests that she can do it if Elaine gives her the passwords. She agrees.

Nelle returns to her attorney (Hope) who advises her to start calling the clients now. Once she starts it will not be long before the firm find out what is happening. She needs to act fast. Her attorney is clearly enjoying the whole thing and suggests Nelle does too. She doesn't look so sure.

Brian and Ally are having lunch and he is discussing the fact that all the women he dates turn out to be monsters, so now he only dates women who are apparent monsters - is this supposed to be some charming English compliment? Ally asks how she is doing, but Brian ignores the question, and then casually adds "By the way, I should quite like to have sex tonight". Ally sprays him with a mouthful of water she has just taken in her astonishment. "I quite suppose I deserve that" he continues as he dries himself off. (So the answer to the previous question was No, not yet, anyway).

One of Richard's best clients has come in to see him. He has come to say thanks and goodbye. Richard is confused. Milton explains that Nelle has called him and that he is giving all his work to her. Richard says that he should at least supervise what is going on, but Milton explains that Nelle says she has left. Richard is panic-stricken and sets off a firmwide alarm system and then goes out to announce to the office that Nelle Porter is not to be allowed into the office. He fails to see the irony of the situation in that he had hired Nelle himself to take clients from her old firm. At this point Nelle arrives to inform John and Richard of her departure. John is spitting feathers and a few well-chosen insults. For once even Richard has little to say. Nelle collects Elaine and they leave. John and Richard are stunned. Elaine explains that she is better off going where she'll be appreciated. The pair are none the wiser.

A few minutes later they are sitting next to each other breathing deeply into brown paper bags, trying to control their hyperventilation and their emotions. Meanwhile Ally and Mark are trying to make some sensible damage limitation plans. They decide to try and get an injunction against Nelle to prevent any further contact with the clients. Ally is still shocked at Elaine's departure. John, in between bagged breaths, keeps repeating "I'm going to get her!"

At the court house shortly afterwards Richard, John, Mark and Ally meet up with Nelle, Hope and Elaine. Ally tries to speak with Elaine, but Hope won't let her. Richard suddenly recalls that he slept with Hope, once. The injunction proceedings are heard before Judge Walsh and Hope suggests that the matter be settled by arbitration. After some discussion the Cage/Fish Team agree - too much dirty laundry for open court. The judge will decide on the arbitrator.

Outside the court Ally manages to speak with Elaine. She explains that Richard refused to make her a paralegal and that she hadn't told Ally about any of it, because she didn't want to get her into trouble. Hope and Nelle drag her away. Ally is joined by the rest of the Team and Mark announces the bad news that their arbitrator is Julia Brattle, also known as Bulldog Brattle - a known man hater.

At the arbitration hearing Bulldog is the archetypal man hater - big and butch. Richard can hardly take his eyes off her arm wattles. Nelle tells her about the clickers and the hair brush - John squirms. She says she needs to go to the toilet and asks that someone accompany her, as the men always follow her to the unisex - Richard rises to assist, but is pulled back down again. John cannot control himself anymore and suggests that Nelle is a "lying, manipulating, cunning bitch". 

During the break Hope goes to speak with Richard, suggesting that she remembers their one night stand - but with regret. He is about to try and respond when she indicates that she hopes she may have something more to regret when all this is over - he is putty in her hands (so to speak).

Ally meanwhile goes to find Elaine. She explains Nelle's deceit to her and the fact that she was used to get the passwords to the files, which Nelle then stole.

The arbitration has resumed and John is using his water torture technique, but to little effect. He suggests that Nelle started speaking to clients more than 3 months ago, despite the fact that Richard had only turned her down for partnership one month previously. She responds that she could see it coming, particularly with him going around calling her a rich bitch elitist snob. "But that's exactly what you are", says John and is about to embark on another verbal tirade when Ms Brattle intervenes "Oh pipe down Bulldog!" snarls John. The others bury their heads in dismay. But just as all is lost Ally enters with Elaine. Elaine explains Nelle's deceit to obtain the passwords, and Bulldog says she has heard enough.

In the unisex John lands a big dismount from the cubicle door frame, as Richard looks on admiringly. However he tells John that he cannot come into the room if the hearing is to go on. He is too much of a liability. John refuses to be barred and pushes Richard on the shoulder. Richard warns him not to do it again, so, of course he does. Richard pushes him back, slightly harder and the inevitably fight begins to escalate.

Nelle cannot believe that Elaine is unpacking her stuff back at her desk. Elaine confirms that she is coming back to work for the firm. Nelle asks whether she admires really nice people or tough bitches, and she says that she admires honesty and that rich successful people often end up with no friends. Nelle is clearly affected by the comments, but rushes off without further comment.

In the unisex Fish and the Biscuit are going at it, not exactly hammer and tong, but more sort of gavel and tweezers. Hope appears and breaks up the melee, and when things have quietened down Bulldog appears sheepishly from one of the cubicles. 

Hope follows Richard into his office and flirts shamelessly with him, turned on by all the arguments over money and power. She promises that he can not only suck her toes, but also "lick her button". Richard is powerless to resist, until John comes in to tell them that Brattle is ready for them.

Bulldog tells the crowded room that there is no evidence of Nelle unlawfully soliciting clients whilst she still worked at Cage & Fish (sorry!!), but that she did take files in bad faith. The injunction is therefore denied, but she awards damages of $300,000 against Nelle. Nelle is astonished and says she'll appeal, but Bulldog reminds her that her decision is binding. Richard cannot help himself from complimenting Brattle on her fine decision and convinces her to allow him to play with her arm wattle. Elaine and Ally look on in disgust.

Nelle and Hope discuss Bulldog's decision. Nelle is clearly crushed, but Hope thinks its a victory. She produces a bottle of '78 La Tour for her to celebrate her victory in her new office. Nelle points out that she is now in debt and has no friends.

In the bar Ally makes Richard and John shake hands and make up. They tell each other that they really love each other and shake. Hope appears and whisks Richard off "to sort out the settlement details". Richard is about to tell Elaine and Renée a rumour that is circulating about Hope, but is dragged away by Ally to dance before he can finish his sentence. Here's a storyline that will come back to haunt us. Elaine takes the opportunity to thank Ally for taking her back. "I never really lost you", says Ally.

Richard is finding it hard to concentrate on the settlement details as Hope undoes her blouse (boy is she white - Glasgow tan or what?) and allows him access to her button - her belly button that is. Mark and Elaine, Ally and Brian dance, but Nelle sits alone in her new office with her glass or '78 La Tour - Elaine was right!

(Wednesday 08/11/00) Do You Wanna Dance
Renée is wandering around the flat when she hears giggles and a stifled squeal from Ally in her bedroom. Renée investigates and Ally appears a little flushed, but alone. Renée looks at her and says "You've just had sex". Ally initially denies the charge, but ultimately admits to having had "cybersex" with a male internet companion. (What with this and BBC 2's Attachments, I have to say I feel as though I am sadly missing out!!). She has been corresponding for 4 months, but this is the first "sexual encounter". Ally tells Renée that he has helped her get over Billy, and Renée suggests that if he's so wonderful that she should meet with him. Ally decides to give it a go.

At the, all too familiar, morning meeting Richard is holding court and queries the case of Bender v Hanks, which Mark and Ally are going to handle. Its an emotional distress case brought by a husband against his best friend whom he caught with his wife. Nelle asks them to hurry things along and John agrees ""Let's speed things up. Frosty the Snowgirl has plans". This sets th toem for the programme as the pair trade insults and glares. Nelle asks for her partnership and John responds with "Over my dead body". John leaves the room and Ally (dressed in her best pack-a-mack) follows him to his office and warns him that he cannot talk to Nelle like that - its against the law - "Balls the law" is his lawyerly response.

In court Mr Bender is giving evidence as he is lead through by Mark. He tells the court that Hanks was his best friend and even his best man, but had been sleeping with his wife for 2 years. Ally meanwhile is eyeing up the defence counsel, who has a typically American-style British accent. Ally thinks counsel is her cyber lover and rushes to tell Renée in her office, where Georgia is also working. Together they discuss the likelihood that this is her email lover and eventually Ally decides that she must ask her email lover out to settle the matter.

Back at the office Richard is explaining to Nelle just why she cannot have a partnership. He produces two pie charts, which show that with just he and John they get half the pie each, but if they add her in, then Richard's share of the pie gets smaller. Nelle is unimpressed and promises revenge.

Mark returns to the office and asks John how he is. As he does so Nelle walks past and John cannot resist another dig, saying that he is OK, despite the fact that he has had to work with some revolting people and that he was lucky not to lose his penis to frostbite. Nelle  ignores him and Mark ploughs on awkwardly asking John if he thinks he has any chance with Ally. John says "No", and still in vitriolic mood adds "you have the depth of a bottle cap". He apologises and suggests that if he wants to try he should just ask her.

Ally is chatting online, with Renée looking over her shoulder. "Lover Lips" and "Thunder Thighs" are, respectively, Ally and her cyberpet's aliases. They agree to meet.

Hanks is now on the stand and testifying as to how he fell in love with Bender's wife one evening when the three of them had been out together, but Bender had been called away. They had danced and kissed. Ally slips into a daydream of herself and Defence Counsel dining and dancing and lets out a loud sigh. She snaps out of it to find everyone looking at her.

At the office Nelle is plotting with Ling. She suggests they leave and set up their own partnership. Ling tells Nelle she is not interested. She is rich and only comes to work to show off her outfits. There would be no point if it was just her and Nelle. Nelle says she'll leave on her own then, and join a big firm. She reckons she'll make partner in a month.

At the courthouse Ally is getting a drink of water from the fountain when Defence Counsel, Brian Selig, approaches. He asks if they know each other and Ally says she was just trying to put him off by looking at him as though she would like to take all his clothes off and lick him all over. He says he'd like to meet her, but that it would have to be tomorrow as he has a meeting that evening - Ally thinks its with her! They return to Court, where Ally confronts Hanks. As she crosses Selig intervenes with "Gophering", which is apparently the English term for badgering. He later objects again "Pope Paul" he says this time and then comes up with a spurious argument to suggest this is some form of derived English rhyming slang for an objection.

Ally and Renée, riding chaperone, are in a restaurant waiting for Thunder Thighs to show up. Ally ushers her away as the time draws on and they arrange a "May Day" single if he turns out to be a dud.

At the office John asks Nelle if she has a client file of his. She confirms she has and had had to see the client when John was stuck in the lift. He snatches the file back and storms out of her office.

Ally continues to wait and finally Thunder Thighs turns up. He's a teenager and Ally is gobsmacked (actually its Tim the Toolman Taylor's middle son - his father would no doubt approve). They are just wondering if they are compatible when the police rush in and arrest Ally. Turns out he is only 16, so its an alleged statutory rape.

Richard and John come to visit her in the cells. Richard is fascinated by the whole cyber-sex thing, of course, whilst John concentrates on the job in hand, and tells Ally they'll move for an immediate probable cause hearing.

In court Mark crosses Mrs Bender. He is very tough with her. Ling, filling in for Ally, tells him she's bored and Ally tells her to go. Ally is astonished by his anger. Outside he won't explain the reason and then Brian invites Ally for coffee, but she explains she has a PC hearing - her own for statutory rape. She tries to explain how it happened, but it sounds crazy.

At her hearing Ally is on the stand and John is examining her. He leads her through her evidence about how they both lied about their ages. She thought he was 33. But as she's cross-examined Ally can't help herself from telling prosecuting counsel that she doesn't get her jollies helping young boys get erections. Her counsel hold their heads in their hands - could have been worse.

Back at the office Ally goes into see Mark and asks why he was so tough on Mrs Bender. He says it was just a ploy, but snaps that Ally's judgment could be a little off-kilter given her impending trial. He apologises for the remark and then asks if she would ever consider......(but his bottle goes) .......doing the closing. But before she can answer he dismisses the idea as ridiculous.

At Ally's PC hearing John crosses Chris, aka Thunder Thighs, who confirms that the couple only discussed sex in their last email. When he met her he was delighted she was older than she'd said. He thought she was 35. At the end of his rather sickeningly sincere and self-important evidence John says "Thank you for your delightful testimony". "Three lawyers. He calls me 35 and not one of you objects" sighs Ally to her team.

Mark is closing in the Bender v Hanks trial, when Ally is paged to return to her own hearing, to be told that the charges are going to be dismissed. She leaves court a free woman and John and Richard return to the office. John confronts Nelle over his client's matter where she has been trying to persuade him to instruct her in preference to John. They continue to trade insults.

In the emotional distress case the jury find for Mr Bender, but only award him $10,000. Mark is stunned (should stick to criminal law where they either stay up or go down). Outside the courtroom Brian offers to buy Ally that coffee and she offers to buy him a drink. Mark is crestfallen.

In the bar Ally and Brian sip martinis. Renée pulls the grumpy Biscuit to the dancefloor and Richard and Elaine (did I spot a bit of bum fondling Mr Fish? - just keeping in character eh?) follow, as do Ally and Brian. The only one out in the cold is ....Mark.....aaahhh.

(Wednesday 01/11/00) Turning Thirty
Its early in the morning and Ally is dreaming that she is a young girl again. She snaps out of it and looks at her calendar and then into the mirror and sees herself age. She wanders into the kitchen downhearted and tells Renée that she is thirty.

In the office Elaine is convincing Richard they should have party for Ally and informs him that she has already organised it. Richard tells the assembled gathering at the morning meeting, but Ally says that she does not want to celebrate it. Mark suggests that she should accept the fact that she is 40 and Ally launches herself across the table at him - she's seems a tadge sensitive about the issue! She is restrained by the others and they move on to discuss their latest murder case. Mark is First Chair and he tells them that "Cookie" is Second Chair - John Cage looks at him with contempt. Mark then refers to him as "Jim". "John", the Biscuit informs him coldly, but it makes no odds as Mark continues to call him Jim. Richard suggests they take Ally as Third Chair, but Mark is not keen, until Richard explains they need Ally out of the office, when he feigns a desperate need for her.

Ally says she'll meet them at court (Hell who needs to prepare. Its only a murder trial), and disappears to her doctor's. Its the same doctor who diagnosed Billy's tumour. He does a bit of plastic surgery on the side. Ally says she wants collagen to hide her wrinkles, but he suggests that he can improve her lips with a little implantation. Ally is interested.

Back at the office Mark and John are in conference with their client - the rather well-endowed Mrs. Flood. Mark suggests that she should dress more appropriately (her bosom is almost bursting out of her dress), particularly bearing in mind how she is alleged to have killed her husband - by smothering him to death with her boobs. John, meanwhile says little, but is simply mesmerised by her mammaries.

Elaine is trying to drum up some interest in the party and asks Nelle (avec Hitler-stylized haircut) to sing a song. She declines (it is all beneath her), but advises Elaine to remember to forget to wear her underwear as it will take people's minds off the fact that she can't sing.

Back at the doctor's Ally's lips are huge. The doctor tells her it is simply swelling and that it will go down, so she leaves for court. At the courthouse a pathologist is given evidence of how the victim died from asphyxiation having been smothered by the Defendant's breasts. Ally tries to sneak into the court, but Mark sees her face and can't help but ask out loud what has happened to her lips. She tries to hide them, but the judge calls her to the Bar and insists she removes the papers that she is hiding behind. Everyone in the Court laughs and Ally leaves.

Richard drops in at the courthouse and informs Mark that it is a tradition that someone sings at the party and that his name has been pulled out of the hat. John sniggers to himself in the background. Meanwhile Ally has returned to the doctor and insists that he sucks the collagen out of her lips. 

In the murder trial the victim's daughter is now giving evidence about the fact that Mrs. Flood was merely after her father's money. Mark and John object together to various aspects of the District Attorney's examination in scenes reminiscent of an Abbott & Costello film.

Ally has now taken herself off to church to try and find God, but gets short shrift from the Priest who is apparently fed up with lonely people who have just turned thirty turning to God to resolve their problems. He goes to leave and Ally trips him on the way. The Choir Mistress asks Ally if she has just come because she has turned 40 and is lonely. Ally rants at her that she is THIRTY! and asks what is wrong with looking to the church for help and may be a little compassion. Then leaves.

On the stand in the courtroom now is Mr. Shiplett - the deceased's attorney -  who testifies that he amended his client's Will shortly before Mr. Flood's demise. As things had stood before she would have only got a limited amount. He says he was unhappy to do so. John crosses him and suggests that he'd wanted it changed to stop his children taking advantage of him. "No" says the attorney. "My mistake", says John, having made his point. John suggests that if the attorney had any hint of impropriety then he would not have changed the Will. "I didn't know she was going to kill him", comes the reply. "OK. That was not the answer I was looking for," says John and sits down. 

Elaine is now trying to convince Renée to sing with her at the party. Renée is reluctant as she thinks Elaine will use her as a backing singer. Elaine assures her they will share the song.

Ally is wandering back to the office and looking in a shop window she sees Billy. She tells him the Minister was right. Ally says she can't keep letting him appear, and Billy tells her to take charge of her life, and to have a happy birthday.

Elaine has now moved onto John, but he won't sing either. His excuse is that he doesn't do parties and that he has already bought her a wonderful card.

In the murder trial a doctor is now giving evidence about a bite mark on Mrs. Flood's breast, which she says must have occurred whilst she continued to sleep. He doubts whether anyone could have slept through such an incident. Things are not looking good, but then Mrs. Flood informs them that it was not her husband who gave her the bite mark, but her lover earlier in the day.

Meantime Elaine and Renée are practising together, but the arguments are beginning already.

Mrs. Flood takes the stand and tells the court that her husband used to like to snuggle in to her breasts when he went to sleep. When she woke he was not breathing and so she called 9 1 1 and tried to resuscitate him, but failed. She explains that the mark on her breast did not come from her husband and that she lied to the police about this, although her husband knew about her lover.

Ally has finally returned to the office and the Choir Mistress (Lisa) comes to apologise to her. Ally invites her to the party. In his office Mark is practising (badly) for his big number when Ally walks in. Ally tells him they are playing a joke on him and that he does not have to sing. "Nobody likes me? Do they?" he asks. "It's not that...." says Ally, but never finishes the sentence.

In the trial both the Prosecutor and then John close. John's argument is that the prosecution's case is just innuendo.

Down at the bar all are present as Elaine and Renée sing their number. It starts OK but quickly degenerates into a full-blown scuffle for the microphone. While they fight John makes a speech and then sings a song from The Music Man with Renée (Elaine is spitting feathers!). Ally cries and Elaine bursts in to sing the final line.

Back in court the jury are back and, of course, its a Not Guilty verdict. Mrs. Flood hugs John, whose head disappears into her cleavage - almost another victim. [Query - Can large breasts be classed as a dangerous weapon?]

In the bar Lisa, Elaine and Renée sing "Reach Out", whilst everyone else dances. Later Ally is back in her office phoning her father. She tells him she's had a great day. In response to her Dad she says that she hasn't thought about Billy too much, but then has to go and she chokes up. Billy appears. "They keep bringing me up" he says. "Tough day to be alone". Ally says she not alone and then declines Billy's offer to walk her home. So she walks home alone with her thoughts ....oh and Vanda, of course!

(Wednesday 25/10/00) I Will Survive 
I suppose after last week that it was inevitable that Gloria Gaynor was going to feature heavily this week (together with Billy's ghost). We were not disappointed.

Its 7am and Ally wakes to be confronted by GG singing the disco classic "I Will Survive" of course. She follows her as she gets ready for work, even into the shower. Ally tries to shake her off on the way to work, but still without success. In the street she bumps, breathless, into Ling and explains that she is being followed by "....disco!!"

At the office Ally is in a meeting a with a therapist whom Ally is prepping for her murder trial. She is defending a woman named Nora, and Ally needs the therapist to confirm that Nora is insane. Elaine barges in to inform Ally that the morning meeting is about to start and that she shouldn't miss it as Richard has hired someone.

At the meeting Richard introduces Mark Albert, whom Richard has hired to replace Billy. He is an experienced criminal lawyer. Richard also tells Ally and Ling that Mark will be joining them on their murder trial. Ally is furious and follows Richard to the unisex complaining bitterly and telling Richard that she doesn't like the new guy, and that she has a bad feeling about him. Inevitably he is in one of the cubicles and emerges much to Ally's embarrassment. Mark introduces himself, but Ally remains unimpressed.

Ling is in her office, crying. She is pretending to be the murder trial defendant, Nora, who is watching her, with Ally and Mark, somewhat bewildered. Ling stops suddenly and tells Nora "Just like that". Mark is troubled by this blatant coaching, but then Ally has to leave as the disco beat returns to haunt her again.

In court prosecuting counsel is examining his witness, a Ms Holt, who was the deceased's therapist (played by Amanda Donohue - the lesbian from LA Law, remember). She confirms that she had been having a love affair with the deceased, who had only one leg. Whilst making love the deceased's wife had entered, grabbed her husband's prosthesis and attacked him with it. He had hopped off, but she had tripped him at the top of the stairs and he fell to the bottom - dead. Ally cross-examines the woman, but without too much effect, and then Mark stands to also cross-examine and gets Ms Holt to confirm that she was shocked by the events.

During a recess Ally asks Mark what he is up to. He merely indicates that he wanted to establish that the woman was shocked, as this can cloud her judgment of events. Ally reminds him that she is First Chair. He replies that he is just taking Billy's place - bad choice of words as far as Ally's concerned.

Ally is back in her office and Richard comes in to see how Mark is getting along. "How's he doing?", he asks innocently. "He's dead for God's sake" replies Ally before realising that he is talking about Mark. She remains unconvinced, but Richard tries to reassure her that it is the right thing to do. 

Back at the trial Nora is giving evidence in her own defence. She recounts seeing her husband being unfaithful and says "My face felt hot and my legs felt weak". "So you reached for another one", says Ling. Nora is finding it hard to get as emotional as Ling requires, so Ling herself breaks down and cries. During another recess Mark is unhappy at Ling's antics. Ally leaps to her defence and then hears the disco beat again. She shouts at it to leave and then exits herself.

Back at the office Nelle's scheming continues. She is now due to meet one of Ally's clients and Elaine quizzes her on why. She is evasive and feigns disinterest, but decides to see the client anyway.

In court Nora is now being cross-examined. It transpires that her husband had had affairs before and that Nora knew he was sleeping with his therapist. Ling objects as the questioning goes to state of mind, but as the judge points out they are alleging insanity, which is itself a state of mind. Ally begins to hear the disco beat and Nora appears to break into "Never Can Say Goodbye", and soon the whole court is singing and dancing. Ally feints and is taken away.

We next find her in a hospital bed, flanked by Elaine, Mark and Ling. Ally still wants to examine the expert witness whom she has prepped, but Mark says he'll do it. He asks to talk to Ally alone. He thinks that maybe she has some interest in him. Ally agrees to share a secret with him, but as he pulls close she tries to hit him, but he catches her hand and then makes to leave. She throws the tv remote at him, but he catches behind his own back, turns on the tv and leaves.

At the trial Mark examines the expert witness, who confirms that Nora was effectively on automatic pilot. The prosecutor suggests that she has said all the right things, but that she cannot be saying that rage excuses murder.

At the office Ally is still trying to convince Richard that his hiring of Mark is not a good idea. Richard says they need Mark, but Ally can't get over Billy's death and can't see why others should either. Richard says that they are all trying to cope in their own way, but that he cannot walk past Billy's empty office every day. Ally goes to leave but then they hug each other and cry.

Ling informs Nora that the prosecution are now offering Murder Two (a lesser charge), but Nora decides not to take it. Mark is going to do the summation and Ally goes in to see him in Billy's office, his name gaffer-taped over Billy's on the door. She is shocked to see him in a dentist's chair having his teeth cleaned. He tells her he gets them done 3 times a week and has his own chair and hygienist to save time. Ally (in a pot, kettle and black incident) calls him a nut. He leaves and Billy is sitting back in his chair. He asks Ally to give Mark a chance. But she refuses. She tells Billy she hates him for dying and that it seems like an insult to move on so quickly. Billy tells her just to remember him every now and again, and that he'll make sure it never rains on her in return. They look at each other and Ally tells Billy that she has got to say goodbye. He says he knows and they hug as she cries.

Outside Nell is quizzing Richard over Mark's status in the firm. She had been promised that she would be the first associate to be offered equity. Richard tells her that she should have known that any promises he makes are irrelevant. Nelle suggests threateningly that he should keep this one. Ally joins them accompanied by GG and Richard suggests she fixes her up with Al Green. Then another beat is heard, and even Richard and Nell hear it. It is coming from Billy's office. It's Queen's "We Will Rock You", and Mark is listening to it full volume - it is his pre-trial anthem apparently. 

In court he is still hearing his anthem in his head when he should be making his summation. He stands and starts to talk about great loves, but Ally hears Bily's voice as his words ring true about her own relationship and feelings for Billy, and how empty she feels now he is gone. As the jury consider their verdict Ling tells Nora they have now offered manslaughter, but Mark tells her not to take it. Nora and Ling leave and Ally discusses the poignancy of Mark's closing in respect of her own situation and how she feels that she cannot grieve properly for something she never quite had. Mark tells her to remember him how she wants to, not how it was at the end. Ling returns and tells them the verdict is in - Not Guilty on all counts, of course.

In the bar, GG is singing - for real this time. Ally shakes Mark's hand and welcomes him to the firm. Richard apologises to Ally for his insensitivity, but Ally just kisses him and leaves. As she goes outside its raining. She looks up and says "Very funny" and then walks home in the rain, recalling all the good time's she and Billy had together, as Vanda droans away.

(Wednesday 18/10/00) Boy Next Door
Having told Georgia of his brain tumour at the end of last's week's show, Billy starts this one by telling Ally. "Are you going to die, Billy?" she asks. "No", he responds. "They think its benign, but, well you know, its a brain tumour".

At the early morning gathering Richard broaches the subject with the rest of the staff, except John, who is missing for some reason. He is his usual crass self, as he talks about how to handle the situation while Billy listens on cringing, and then Fish adds, "Heh, I'm talking about him like he was already dead." Billy tells him it may be nothing, but then Nelle's breasts appear to swell to enormous proportions and he tongue lashes round his neck and drags him towards them. He snaps out of it and leaves the room. Richard carries on and discusses with Ally whether it is wise to keep Billy as second chair on her annulment case (Prune v Prune). She says she talk to him about it.

Elaine then comes in and announces that there is a problem with the Biscuit. Turns out he's caught half in and half out of the lift. Ling's only concern is that she might have to take the stairs. Sandy meanwhile is preparing Billy for court. He takes the opportunity to suggest she might like to take a hike. He wasn't much of a catch before and he certainly isn't now. He suggests that when the time comes he won't want her hand holding his on the hospital trolley, but when he looks at her again he sees her naked. He blinks and she's back, but leaves when Billy says he is pushing her away. Ally enters the room and tries to suggest he should not to the case. He's upset and she agrees to let him stay. She volunteers to go with him to the specialist, but he tells her that Georgia is already going. She turns to leave and says quietly "Love you". He responds "Love you too", and then asks her if she'd go with him too to the specialist. She agrees.

In court Mr Prune is on the stand asking for his marriage to be annulled. Billy and Ally are for the wife. Mr Prune had saved himself until marriage, but had then discovered that his wife's breasts had been augmented with silicone. He then also discovered several other nips and tucks had taken place. He'd tried to make it work, but she wasn't the women he thought he was marrying. Ally cross-examines and suggests that he married his wife purely for her good looks. He denies this and then suggests that Ally's obviously had a little work done herself - she's livid at the mere suggestion.

At the consultant's he confirms that the tumour is benign, but that it is awkwardly placed and they would prefer not to operate, but just monitor it for a few months. Billy hears the consultant's assistant offer him oral sex. 

In the office John is still hanging out of the lift and speaking with Richard on his mobile. Nell seizes the phone from Richard and tells John that they should see other people. They are breaking up. John's response is a feint nose whistle. Nell is very brusque about the whole thing and tells John they'll talk later and then marches off after handing the phone back to a stunned Richard.

In Court Billy is examining Mrs Prune. She denies she is a fake and suggests her husband hardly measures up well in the bedroom department - she could ask for her own annulment. As she's crossed examined Billy leaps to his feet to object and sees his client naked in the witness box - interesting brain tumour this one no headaches just naked women.

Back in the office Richard threatens to sack Nelle for her insensitive dumping of John. She notes that it wouldn't look too good if he did, having just broken off a relationship with the Senior Partner. She says she's had enough of John's crazy ways and now he's gone and got himself stuck in a lift. As Billy passes Richard tries his hardest to be a sensitive caring individual towards Billy, but he's just not up to the job. Billy meanwhile sees dolls of all the girl's in the office dancing on a desk, singing "Love Machine". He suggests he may need to go back and see his doctor. Elaine announces that they have got John out of the lift.

Billy is back with the little Japanese consultant, together with Ally & Georgia. He explains recent events, and the consultant suggests they may need to take the lump out and schedules him in for the weekend. Billy hears him singing intermittently "Lean on Me" in a thick Japanese accent.

John is in hospital on traction for his back, when Nelle comes to see him. He's not impressed that she could not have ended their relationship face-to-face. She remains cold and heartless towards him and tells him that she embraces being a total bitch. John is sad, but resigned to the position and asks her to leave. "I do adore you" she says as she leaves.

In the annulment case Billy is closing for the wife. He suggests that when you marry you take your partner for better or worse. He alludes to the recent vulgar tv show "Who wants to Marry A Millionaire?", but then checks with Ally that it wasn't just an hallucination. She confirms he's OK. He carries on about the sanctity of marriage and then turns to face Ally and tells the court what a wonderful relationship they have, and how they have been married for 12 years and how he loves going home to her and the children. Love is everything he says, and then turning again to Ally he says " ! I have loved her since I was 8. I will always love her. All of my heart." She smiles back at him, but then he stumbles back and collapses to the floor. Ally rushes to him and screams hysterically that he is not breathing. She has flashbacks of their time together as she hugs him, but he doesn't move.

Ally emerges from the lift in the office and calls the office to attention. "About 40 minutes ago Billy Thomas passed away". She struggles on. "He..went..quietly and ....peacefully...", but she can say no more and rushes off. The office is shocked.

Richard goes to see John in the hospital and tears in his eyes finally finds something that touches him. He gives John the bad news. John is shocked. Richard simply says "I wish there was something I could say" and then breaks down.

Back at the office Ling goes into to see if Ally is OK and tells her that Richard is making all the funeral arrangements. She squeezes Ally's hand and simply says "I-m here" and then leaves. Billy's ghost appears to Ally. "Its gone now", he says. "But so are you", says Ally. She tells Billy to tell God that she hates him and asks if Billy is going to haunt her now, like he did in life. He smiles. "glad you hair is back to normal" she says. They kiss and dance slowly together cuddling hard as Vanda crucifies "You belong to me". Georgia comes in and Billy vanishes. They agree to make Billy's funeral fun, but can't help slipping into tears. Ally tells Georgia that Billy's last words were "Tell Georgia I love her".

At the funeral service Ally goes to give the eulogy and walks through Billy who has appeared to encourage her with a smile. She says that for the past few months he had been lost, but recently he seemed to have found himself again and the last thing he spoke about was love. As a child he'd sung a song about when he died. She recites it 
"When I die and when I'm gone,
They'll be one child born
In the world to carry on".
"That child's got big shoes to fill" she says. And then as if speaking directly to him "Billy Thomas...with all of my heart.....for ever."

"And as for Heaven...." she says and thumps her fist into her hand as Billy had done when with his Billy Girls, and the choir storm into a rousing rendition of "New Man in Town". The mourners dance and clap to the song which ends with the lines from Billy's poem about life and death.

Later that night Ally wanders in the cemetery as Vanda sings Carol King's "Home Again". She stops as Billy's gravestone and is joined by Georgia. They hug each other.... [Not a dry eye in the house. Bye Billy we'll see you in Ally's head].

(Wednesday 11/10/00) Prime Suspect

Its late and John is wandering around his office barefoot - preparing his closing as all AM aficionados will have summised. Vault, the tv from last week's episode comes in to the office and scares John at his door. Apparently Mr Schofield, the boss from last week's episode has been stabbed to death and Paul Potts (the word-repeating clapper from last week - oh please keep up!) has been arrested and charged with his murder. They go to see Potts in custody who denies the charge and says that he was with Benny at the movies.

Next morning in the office Richard and Ally both want to be on the "murder team" and John agrees they can be second and third chair. Billy comes across the rest of the Motley Crew (Benny, Vault and Mindy (the fat lady)) in the office and sees Vault as a voluptuous female and just has to make a comment, but then "she" turns back into Vault and Billy rushes off confused, but straight into Nell's office, which he thinks is his own.

In court Judge Walsh sets up the Probable Cause hearing for later that day while the Motley Crew wait at the office. Billy again sees Vault as a beautiful women and again has to say something, but again Vault's real persona soon appears and Sandy drags him away bemused. He thinks the beauty is the reality and the tv an hallucination, but whichever way Sandy is unimpressed.

John returns and tells the group about the PC hearing and suggests that, although unusual, he may call Benny to give evidence at the hearing as he is Paul's alibi. Benny is rather taken aback and, although he tries to lie, eventually admits that he was not with Paul. Mindy says it was the wife, but has no grounds to back up her assertion, apart from the fact that "its always the wife". Cage and Fish go to see Paul and he admits he was alone at home, but thought Benny would cover for him. He still denies the murder.

Back at the office Billy is pacing around, not quite sure what is happening to him. Sandy comes in to see if he's alright and he kisses her - only it turns out to be Nell. He turns to his desk and sees Ally and Georgia dolls shouting "Marry me" and "Divorce me". "Think I should go and see a doctor" he mumbles.

Outside the Court the Motley Crew and Ally arrive and meet Richard and Fish on the steps. Richard is milking it for all its worth with cigar in mouth and attitude to match.

Nell returns to Billy's office later despite Sandy's attempts to keep her out, and suggests the name of a neurologist for him to see. In fact she has set up an appointment for him with her at 4pm - same time as his meeting with Hallen (his big client). Nell says she'll see him for Billy.

At the PC hearing Debra Schofield is giving evidence. She says she was in the shower when she heard a noise, but could see nothing. But then the shower curtain was pulled back and she saw a hooded man with a knife. Ally who has pictured herself in the shower screams at this point scaring everyone. The man apparently ran away and then she found her dead husband. She heard someone run down the stairs and then heard 4 crisp claps - Paul obligingly does the same in court.

During a recess Paul seems confused by the proceedings and Benny urges John to sort something out before the trial date as Paul will not survive that long. Mindy again says it was "the wife". This time she backs this view up with the rumour that Schofield was having an affair with one of his employees - Nancy Raleigh Sicklen. Richard and Cage go to see her and all she can say is "Oh my God." They tell her she will be needed at court.

Its 4pm at the office and Nell goes in to meet with Mr Hallen. She says Billy is off the case and that she is the firm's leading corporate attorney. She puts Billy down as best she can and mentions that he is currently seeing his neurolgist. 

At his meeting Billy tells the neurologist a little of what has been happening, but she turns into Georgia. Back as herself the neurologist says she wants to run some further tests. Billy agrees. 

Meanwhile Richard and John are following up the Nancy link with Paul. He too has heard the rumours but doesn't really know what they are all about. Back in court John gets Debra Schofieold to identify her cleaner and also Nancy. Apparently the cleaner heard Mr & Mrs S arguing and Nancy's name was mentioned. John suggests that she was angry with Mr S and stabbed him. Ally screams again! John suggests that the proceedings are a sham, but the prosecutor indicates that they have a pen with Paul's prints on it at the scene of the crime, which seems to be enough for Judge Walsh who finds probable cause.

Ally interviews Paul about the pen, but when asked if he knows how it could have got there he simply says "No". Ally is unimpressed. Is "no" all he can say when he is on trial for his life. "No thank you" he responds. When pressed again he still responds "No thank you". "Are you trying to be funny?" Ally asks him sharply. "No, I'm scared" he replies quietly, and suggests that he is in this position because he is a freak and people think freaks are capable of anything. Ally assures him he is not a freak.

Back at the office later that night, Richard, John and Ally are discussing the case. Ally suggests that maybe it was Nancy who killed Mr S because he wouldn't leave his wife. Ally says she could wear a wire and get her to talk. Its a long shot, but its all they've got.

Ally is in the street and is testing the wire with Richard and John, cruising along in a car, with obligatory dark glasses and baseball caps, as backup. Ally knocks on Nancy's door, who makes her wait before letting her in. Ally asks her about her affair with Schofield, and talks about loving Billy, but Nancy is not keen to tell her much.

Billy meanwhile is about to undergo his CAT scan.

Ally suggests Debra may have killed her husband as she was losing him. Nancy says she wasn't losing him. Ally suggests that she may have killed him then if she was losing him. She called Potts that evening and could have taken his pen, she also knew about his clapping - Nancy has had enough and tries to show Ally out, but Ally hears a noise in a cupboard and as Nancy goes to get her handbag she opens the cupboard door to reveal Debra. Slowly it clicks with Ally that Debra and Nancy were the lovers and they both killed Mr S. Ally makes to leave but they won't let her. In the car Cage tells Fish to call 911 and they make their way to the house. Ally confronts Debra and tells her she does karate and promptly whacks her and runs to open the front door. The police, plus Cage and Fish, are there. "FBI" shouts Fish, as the police rush in and seize the two women. "FBI?" says Cage quizzically. "Well what should I have yelled 'lawyer?'", Fish replies.

Nell is at her desk working on her laptop when Ling enters to tell her that it appears they have got a result for Potts. She spots the Hallen file and also notes that Nelle has taken one of Richard's files. She says she knows that Nelle is up to something despicable and doesn't want to miss out. Nell indicates that she wants to make changes, but needs power to do it.

In Judge Walsh's office Ally asks for the charges to be dropped given the recent events. Judge Walsh is unhappy, but the Prosecutor agrees and Potts is dismissed. He hugs Benny and then Ally.

Late in the evening Billy wanders into Georgia's office. He suggests he was just walking by, but then says, quite matter of factly " I have a brain tumour". Georgia is speechless.

Cue title music, run titles.........

(Wednesday 04/10/00) The Oddball Parade

Just another normal evening down in the bar - you know Tina Turner singing again, when Ally and Elaine rush in. They are both going to enter to be one of her backing singers (The Ikettes) for the night. Ally thinks she is a bit like Tina Tuner (I'm not sure which bit) and also wants to meet her. There are 42 entrants so they will only have 20 seconds each to strut their stuff (apparently a voice is not important - probably can't hear over Tina anyway!!)

Next day in the office John comes in to see Richard. He is fraught. They have a difficult case before Judge Walsh who doesn't even like to hear Richard's voice. John asks him to keep his Fishisms to himself, but you just know it won't happen.

Sandy comes in to Ally's office and thanks her for her advice with regard to Billy, who then appears and steals Ally away. In the spirit of friendship and candour he advises her not to enter the contest. She is outraged that he of all people, particularly in his current metamorphasis, should suggest she might be letting the firm down. In the spirit of friendship and candour she tells him his roots are showing.

In court a butch man (Mr Vault) wearing a dress is giving evidence about his dismissal from work. He is just one of Cage & Fish's clients. Another claps uncontrollably, another is a large woman and another a geeky-looking guy. They have all been dismissed from their jobs at a graphic design agency as they didn't fit the firm's image.

Back at the ranch Elaine is gyrating to a Tina Turner hit when Ally enters and turns off the music. Threatened by Elaine's efforts, Ally suggests that perhaps Elaine should not be entering the contest. She leaves in a huff. Billy comes in and apologises. Ally apologises too. Billy asks her if she is bothered about him and Sandy, and at first she says no, but eventually admits to "a pinch". Billy says he is the same about her.

In court the clapper (Mr Potts) is on the stand. He also repeats words and is a compulsive cleaner, but that doesn't stop him being a good designer. He was fired because he apparently upset the clients.

Meanwhile Ally is having second thoughts about the contest. Elaine is trying to convince her to take part and they pass Billy, who tells her to dance. Elaine leaves and Ally is still not sure. Billy reminds her of her own words to him that "it is better to regret the things you do than the things you don't". She admits that in her heart she wants to dance. "So dance.." he says.

The Court hearing has been adjourned for a short time and Richard, John and the Motley Crew assemble to discuss an offer. They have offered $75,000 each, but the "nice wackados" as Richard insists on calling them, refuse. Their jobs were their lives, not just their jobs, plus Vault says they had been refused permission to walk in the company parade - John seems to understand their situation.

Its competition night and the audience is swollen by the Motley Crew also being there, together with all of Cage & Fish, of course, the two principals having just reviewed Fish's efforts at media manipulation with a great tv interview in which he criticised the state for producing ugly people. Elaine is number 26 and Ally 27. Judging by some of the contestants Richard may have had a point. Elaine struts her stuff in her split skirt, followed by Ally who starts slow and, in truth, never really quite gets up a full head of steam, but the audience go wild. When the winner is announced its Ally, much to her surprise and Elaine's dismay. Later we learn that Elaine was by far the best, but that Tina doesn't like being shown up.

In court all the state's uglies have turned up to listen to the case. The employer is on the stand and John gives him a hard time, which his clients get upset about. 

That evening Ally is preparing for her performance. She wants to meet Tina Turner, which she does, but only for a few seconds. On stage she gets to be one of the backing group and is enjoying herself until she looks at Billy. Next time she looks there are more of him, and then the whole room. She struggles through. The words of the song reminding her of her own heartache.

In the office the next day everyone is congratulating Ally on her performance, but she is grumpy and evasive. 

In court John is closing. He reminisces about his own childhood and his empathy with his clients becomes clear. He'd been part of a group of friends, but when he became a teenager he had been uncool and his friends had drifted away. He'd been glad therefore when he had become an adult, because they don't pick on the disenfranchised. These defendants live in that adult world and therefore they have a right to work and not to be discriminated against.

Ally is taking out her pent-up anger in the unisex with the massive boxing gloves (could do with a pair of them myself). Nelle enters wearing what can only be described as a blouse that looks like some one has grabbed it and twisted it a quarter turn round her body. Nelle tries to understand Ally's frustrations, but Ally just belts her. Billy then enters and gets the same treatment. Billy pulls her into his office and wants to know the score. Ally tells him that last night she saw a room for of Billys, and that she doesn't want to fantasize about him. She's angry that he has left her again to become the new Billy, and wants her old friendship with him back. He suggests they just talk and says that his friendship with her is everything. He says that he's back now.

In the court case the jury find for the Defendant, but John is not despondent and announces a victory parade for all the defendants and those in the public gallery. Following the beat of the clapping Paul Potts the parade begins and an orchestral version of John's Barry White theme takes over. Vanda you have been upstaged!

(Wednesday 27/09/00) Pursuit of Loneliness

Ally is grabbing her usual morning cup of coffee when the "coffee guy" introduces himself to her as Hammond Dearing. He obviously fancies her, but she is not interested. He invites her to dinner, but she declines and then he kisses her. Her response is to pour the cup of coffee over his head (which fortunately appears to be cold!).

In the unisex Nelle and Ally discuss "little people" - not last week's pygmies, but the low-life, like janitors and cappuccino waiters. Nelle confirms that she would never go out with one. John is listening from a cubicle and is clearly troubled. Richard appears and naturally brings the conversation round to sex, asking Ally when the lesbians are going to arrive. Ally informs him it is only one lesbian and wonders why men are so fascinated by lesbians. "Do you know what they do together? They have sex" says Richard with some glee.

In the conference room Ally and Richard are representing Evan, the husband of Georgia's lesbian client Lisa. The case has already been to trial and is set down for an appeal. Evan does not think he should pay as he does not consider himself to have ever been married, as she never loved him. They offer $40,000 to settle, but it is rejected.

Ally returns to the coffee shop (just can't stay away can she), but hides behind her paper. Hammond makes her a chocolate and says that he has forgiven her, but won't hand over her drink. She insists or she will call the manager. "Why not call the owner? Better yet why not let him take you out to dinner?" Turns out Hammond owns this and 3 other coffee shops. Ally decides that as the owner he deserves chocolate and not coffee, so she dumps that on his head this time.

Back at the office Sandy brings in Billy's amended divorce papers. He is sad and she offers to talk with him, but he says that she would not want to talk with him about what he wants to talk about. She makes to leave but in fact closes the door and comes back in. He admits he's attracted to her, but that it wouldn't be right. He tells her he misses her and not Georgia at night. He apologises, but she moves closer and they kiss. Next day she comes into his office again and suggests they try and forget what happened yesterday as it was a mistake and she would dumb to let herself fall for him. He reluctantly agrees.

In the Court of Appeal are Richard, John and Ally. Ally is nervous. The first of the 3 judges appears - he is small, frail, slow and very old. The other two finally appear and one is Justice Hammond Dearing (erstwhile coffee shop proprietor). Ally is gobsmacked. Justice Dearing explains his "relationship" with Ally in case it is a problem. Georgia says she's OK with it and Ally confirms it is OK when John tells her that he is the most progressive of the 3 judges on the panel. Justice Dearing leads the panel's assault on Ally and her argument to vitiate (invalidate to you and me) the marriage on grounds of fraud. Ally suggests that Lisa had a duty to tell her husband she was gay and that had she done so he would not have married her. But her argument begins to waver when Justice Dearing puts together a string of hypothetical situations, and she flounders badly. Eventually he says they understand her argument, but do not need to hear from Ms Thomas, and the annulment is denied.

The judges leave the court and Ally is quickly into Justice Dearing's room. She is furious and the argument over the rights and wrongs of the case and her argument continue. Ally refers to him as "your anus" and ultimately "a pig", by which time he has had enough and holds her in contempt. She is taken away to the cells.

Sandy is deep in thought in the unisex. A toilet flushes and in walks The Biscuit with his remote flusher. He asks if she is OK and she says yes. Nelle walks in and John asks Nell what Sandy's name is, but she doesn't know. He says he'll see her in the bar.

In the bar Sandy and Billy are talking. He says he can't pretend it didn't happen and asks her to dance with him. She gets up, but instead of dancing kisses him on the cheek and leaves.

Back at the cells Justice Dearing has come to grant Ally her freedom, but at a price. She must come and do community service in his coffee shop, as he's shorthanded. He admits he can't make her, but thinks she might enjoy it - like this is a sensible storyline?

Nell returns to the office from the bar as John has not appeared. He tells her that he is bothered that she is an elitist. Nelle suggests that it is men who are hypocrites as they are attracted purely by looks. She is attracted by ambition and refuses to apologise for her views.

In the cafe Ally is working with the Judge and they are getting a little frisky when Sandy walks in. She admits to Ally she has guy trouble and eventually that Billy is the guy. At first Ally is a little shocked but then offers three pieces of advice to Sandy. The first is that underneath the bleached head that Billy is actually a great guy; the second is that being loved by or loving him is pretty special; and finally that even if its only a maybe then she should check it out - so that's a do as I say, not as I do situation then.

In the office John is dusting madly to the "Gimme that thing" tune when Richard intervenes on his "angry dance". He explains Nelle's elitist attitude. Richard tries to console and counsel John by pointing out that all men are not equal and that for non-handsome, short, strange little men ("and I think we know who we mean?"), the equaliser is money. "As always your perspective is refreshing," says John.

Ally and Hammond are having a good time in the coffee shop and he gets to walk her home. He invites her to dinner with him tomorrow and Ally accepts. But then he asks her if she really believed all the stuff she had been saying in court. She says she did. In the spirit of honesty therefore he tells her that he is bisexual. Just Ally's luck, eh?

In the office the next day Ally and Elaine are discussing dating a bisexual, when Hammond appears in person. Elaine wants to stay but they get rid of her. Ally admits she is thrown and that she has prejudices - she associates promiscuity with bisexuality; she is worried about a bisexual father taking their child to a ball game and eyeing up the catcher; worried about people teasing the kids and about disease. He answers all her criticisms, just like the judge he is, but her homophobia has got the better of her and he leaves when she says she doesn't want to go out with him.

Sandy comes into Billy's office and asks if he really wants to try this (you can almost see his dumbstick nodding its head!!). She lays down the rules about no physical contact in the office and no unprofessional conduct, which they break immediately by kissing passionately. John and Richard interrupt, but they get right back to it - one of Billy's fortes - snogging in the office.

Richard and Ally discuss Hammond in the unisex and Ally admits that she may have let an opportunity slip due to her prejudice. Richard asks if its too late to do anything about it, and Ally says no and leaves.

Nelle comes into John's office, which he is still tidying. She points out that he is not that great a catch with all his remote gadgets - shoes, toilets, hairpins etc, and yet he calls her intolerant. She calls him a dweeb. He had been a dweeb at school, but now he is rich and  successful. If he wants people to love him as he was then he'll have to go back to being a dweeb.

Ally's on her way to the coffee shop and hears a variety of songs that could relate to bisexual relationships, before she ends up with "Tell him". In the coffee shop she imagines him kissing her, but then also imagines him kissing a guy and admits she can't get by her bigotry. She says "goodbye" and wanders into the street and sits on a bench with her head in her hands.

(Wednesday 20/09/00) In Search of Pygmies

Ally’s in her car and singing away to herself when she spots a good looking guy in the car next to her. She smiles, he smiles. She turns away to compose herself and he’s gone….but not too far. Now he is in front of her. They move on and she follows behind him to the next set of lights. She is willing him to look in his mirror, but he won’t. What the heck you drive into him to get his attention don't you?. It works, but Ally makes it pretty clear it was no accident - "We should exchange bodily fluids" she mutters in an interesting interpretation of the US road traffic laws.

Ling is on the street, closely followed by Richard. When the lights turn against her she produces her dark glasses and an automatically extending cane to pretend to be blind, and simply walks across the street. Richard is horrified (which is pretty rich). He points out that there are real blind people in the world. "It’s not as though they can see me" says Ling. Richard has been following her. Apparently she sneeks out of the office every Wednesday afternoon and Richard suspects the worst. Turns out she goes dancing.

Meanwhile Ally and her potential new lovemate are a long way from exchanging bodily fluids. He is unimpressed that she felt so needy that she had to drive into him. Ally indicates that with so few good men out there, at her age, you have to do what you can. He thinks she’s crazy. Ally leers at him and suggests that the best women are crazy. No fluids then just addresses. Watch out though he rubbed his neck!!

Ling’s dancing turns out to be at a rest home, where she is courted by all the male "inmates", but in particular by Marty. But he tells her that he is about to be thrown out as he is too disruptive - red rag to a bull springs to mind. Back at the office Ling calls in Richard and John to help her fight his eviction. His problem is that he has an overactive imagination which is causing mayhem at the home.

Dennis, the man Ally rammed into, appears in the office. He is obviously intrigued by her lunacy and invites her to dinner. Elaine is impressed (but then he is a man). Ally accepts.

In court the rest home owner describes Marty’s eccentricities - fighting dragons, hunting cannibals, wheelchair drag racing and, she’s right, we don’t want to see the nude olympics. She likes Marty but he is dangerous, probably to himself and the other "inmates".

Turns out Dennis is not only good looking, but also an unattached research oncologist. Also turns out that he has the laugh from Hell, which he demonstrates to its full capacity to Ally’s embarrassment in the restaurant when Ally whimsically remarks that she has never deliberated driven into anyone before and that "no-one has ever rear-ended me either"(Julian Clary would have been proud of that one). In the office next morning she is explaining her predicament to Elaine when a huge bunch of flowers arrive for her….from Dennis.

The team discuss the case with Marty, who they will call to the stand. He needs to come across as…well "not crackers", as Richard succinctly remarks. John explains he needs to be seen as able to control his imagination.

Ally and Nell are in the unisex, Nelle wearing a disastrous cardigan (has her hairdresser boyfriend taken up knitting??). Elaine comes in to announce Dennis’s arrival in the office. Ally suggest she shows him into the unisex so that she can hear his laughter in the room’s acoustics, and so Nelle and Elaine can hear just how bad it is. He is a little bemused and refuses to laugh at Ally’s feeble jokes. "Now you know why she has to run a guy over to get a date" says Elaine and turns to leave with Nelle. Dennis laughs. Elaine and Nelle are suitably shocked.

Its Marty’s chance to show what he is made of, and he does just that by confirming that the pygmies that he talks about are real. Applause from his fellow inmates in the public gallery, dismay from Ling his counsel. To make matters worse the pygmies then appear, which leaves Marty cowering behind the judge. Marty tries to explain his behaviour to the team by suggesting that he could not have denied their existence to his fellow inmates, but eventually he admits that he actually saw them. In a last ditch attempt the team persuade the judge to attend at the nursing home and see Marty’s positive influence. Reluctantly he agrees.

Ally decides that she needs to get Dennis out of her life. He wants to know why and she tells him it is because of his laugh. Given their method of introduction he is not too impressed with this argument (remember the neck).

At the rest home Marty is entertaining the inmates on the piano, but the judge decides that the choice is down to the rest home owner. She decides he must go, and Ling immediately offers him a home with her. But on the way to her home he sees the pygmies again and runs off to avoid them, straight in front of a passing car. In the hospital they discover that he is brain damaged and paralysed and is only being kept alive by the respirator. Ling won’t believe it and wants a second opinion, which establishes the same.

Surprise, surprise Dennis arrives in the Cage & Fish office with whiplash, his solicitor brother and a writ against Ally. Nell and Billy step in to try and sort it out even though Ally does not want to settle. She suggests he deliberately pulled in front of her so that he could be hit. Both Dennis and his brother are tickled by this and burst into laughter. They are both as bad as each other. Ally begs Nell and Billy to settle.

Ling has been named by Marty as the person to decide if his respirator should be turned off. Initially she refuses to do it, but a fellow inmate convinces her that its what he would have wanted. In a rare sensitive moment for Ling she speaks to Marty and then agrees to the machine being turned off as she holds his hand. Ling it is then who "vandas" with her thoughts as we run titles…………

(Wednesday 13/09/00) Over the Rainbow
Who needs all that "previously on Ally McBeal" stuff when you have all this...?

Anyway, Ally as a little girl is looking out of her rainy Boston office window late one night, when Billy appears. She tells him she is waiting "for it", whatever it is, but at least this is better than waiting for "him". Ally tells Billy he has become ridiculous, but Billy is unimpressed and gets back at her by saying that she is always waiting for something to come along and sort her out, just waiting for the elevator to ding and bring her the solution - on cue the elevator dings and out walks Mr Right, with the unusual name of "Pross" (umm...Scandanavian maybe), but this turns out to be short for Process Server and he serves Ally with a lawsuit from Georgia against the firm claiming they were responsible for the break-up of Billy & Georgia's marriage.

Next morning they all meet and decide they will all go to court. Georgia claims that the office was a sexually charged arena which interfered with marital relations. Even Ling (the former master of bogus lawsuits can't believe this one). Georgia is represented by Tiny Tim Fallow (do you remember he was the little guy in Moonlighting - no not Bruce Willis - the other little guy). He tells Billy that as Georgia is represented that if he has anything to say to her it must be through him. "You're an embittered, angry, little man-hating bitch" he spits back into his face.

Tiny Tim goes over all the sexual shannaningins that have taken place in the office, including the fact that the two senior partners sleep with associates (is that unusual?). John objects, but the judge agrees to a short evidentiary hearing later that afteroon. On the way back to the office Ally engineers a meeting with Georgia alone in the lift, dressed in her best golfing outfit. She gives Georgia the chance to explain, but she says nothing. Ally says that she is suing the firm because she hates her life. Georgia tries to justify the claim by telling Ally how much she has changed. Two years ago they called her Julie Andrews, now she can't go to a carwash without jumping the attendant. Ally responds "Two years ago, whatever problems Georgia had with Billy, she wasn't the type of person who would turn on her friends," and restarts the lift.

The afternoon hearing starts badly as Richard is the first to take the stand. He admits he thinks of women as sex objects (well not the ugly ones!), and that he likes to touch the wattle on people's necks, and that they have a unisex bathroom, so that they can "all go together when they go". The team shudder. Richard remains oblivious to his crassness.

Next it's Cage's turn to take the stand. His call girl days and his spanking of Nelle come back to haunt him. His head sinks into his hands at the end of the cross-examination as he indignantly indicates that it was only with a medium-sized hairbrush.

Georgia (who is obviously having an affair with someone who has lied to her about being a hairdresser) tries to justify her lawsuit against her old friends to her new boss, Renée, but fails. 

In the bar the team discuss the trial and tactics. They agree Billy needs to come over as sympathetic. He thinks he can do it, but Ally is not so sure. So it is Billy's turn on the stand the next morning and Nell, dressed as a portable deckchair, leads him through his evidence. He starts OK, but cannot restrain himself when cross-examined and issues a tirade of abuse against women and how they demean men and how men should not stand for it. "Is that your final answer," says Fallow, "or would you like to call a friend". The Cage & Fish team hold their heads in anguish.

Ally decides to talk to Billy back in his office. She is worried that he is cracking up. He refers back to their childhood when they dreamt about their future. Now they should be living it, but he gets annoyed when he thinks he is not and scared when he thinks he is - nope I didn't understand it either. Ally tells him he can change.

John is still refusing to talk following his humiliation on the stand. Nelle suggests to Richard & John that they offer Georgia $10,000 to drop the suit, which makes John finally break his silence - "No. No." he repeats. He wants Georgia to have to take the stand. He wants to get her.

Next morning Ally calls in to see John in his office. He is pouring a glass of water, but it is not his first. The room is full of glasses of water. He picks his way out of the room to go to court. Georgia takes the stand and the reason for the water practice becomes clear as The Biscuit slowly and noisily fills his glass at the end of her examination by Fallow. He starts slowly on Georgia getting her to confirm that she never asked Billy to leave the firm and took sculpting classes to ogle the male model's assets. He works up some pace with the making-love in the unisex session and on the office boardroom table. Then he moves into top gear as he describes and labels Ally as Exhibit A - "the true love of Billy's life" and the fact that Georgia kissed Exhibit A's father to get back at Billy. She admits she did not go to counselling or try and save their marriage. John is on a roll, until Billy stands up and calls a halt to the cross-examination. Disgruntled John says "I'd like the court to note that I had a big finished planned" and sits down.

The team leave the court. All of them are angry at John's performance. Richard goes into his office and slams his door. John follows him in. Richard begrudgingly says that John's examination was good, but wonders where the firm has gone wrong. The idea was to make money and have fun, but the fun has gone. Richard vowed he would never grow up. John thinks he has probably achieved that. Later Richard tells John that he has decided to put some structure into the business and run it like a real law firm. John is horrified (the reaction of most lawyers to such a suggestion!).

Elaine has been missing all the action so tags along for the closing scenes. Fallow closes suggesting that Cage & Fish bear some of the blame. John is slow to rise for his closing speech. He recalls his childhood (is there a theme here??) and how his father attended a funeral for one of his colleagues who had died. Even though he had worked for the same company for 17 years his father did not really know the man. John indicates that he knows all his work colleagues - intimately, and likes them all. This is the firm that Richard has inspired and he should not apologise for it. John still adores Georgia and they all feel her pain, but did not break up her marriage.

Outside they wait for the judge's decision and Georgia approaches. She's bitter and disappointed in them - not even a cake and no-one called to say "Hi". They look sheepishly at her as they return to court. Inevitably the judge decides in favour of the firm and as a group they invite her to have dinner with them. She accepts - hope she's paying as we reckon it will have cost F&C at least $20,000 in lost revenue. 

Richard has been touched by John's closing remarks and almost gets sentimental, but just stops himself. Cage confirms they do have something special.

Mass "Vandaring" as the adults transmogrify into children.

(Wednesday 06/09/00) Just Friends

Ally is working late in the office and her voices have returned. Not Al Green this time, but a female voice (was it Vanda?). She goes to leave and meets Cage at the lift also working late. They stare meaningfully at each other drop their cases and kiss passionately….but its all a dream of course. For some unexplained reason Ally seems to be sharing a bed with Renée, in whom she naturally confides once she has woken her up. She thinks maybe Cage is "the one".

Next day in the office Billy is still plus leather-clad entourage. Its working for him on two levels - he’s getting the work, plus he likes it. Ally is unimpressed. She tries to chat to John, but can’t help herself from fawning over him. He is bemused. "Are you dying?" he asks.

Ally retreats to her office where Elaine is removing her skirt to replace it with her special "pherimone marinated" trousers, which she keeps for special hot dates. She has one coming in to meet her for lunch. Elaine suggest to Ally that she and Cage are made for each other (although not in that blouse Ally please!!). Ally bumps into Cage again, and again asks how he is. Its only been a couple of minutes since their last encounter and Cage is at a loss to understand what is wrong with Ally.

Elaine doesn't even bother with lunch. She invites herself straight to dinner with Bob, her date, who is happy to oblige. Ally is impressed, and Elaine explains that if she wants something she has to make it happen. Ally hears Billy White (Cage's song), at which point the Biscuit himself appears to find out what is troubling Ally. She asks if he ever felt that someone was "the one". He confirms that he has, but that their date was a disaster. Ally wants to know who it was. "Don't you remember it was you", he answers. Ally then confides in Ling in the unisex, but mentioning no names. Ling too advises her to seize the moment.

John is in his office playing with a pair of women’s shoes when Nelle enters (with her fifty forth different hairstyle of this series). She’s concerned this may be another of his fetishes, but he hands the shoes to her as a present. She puts them on and he flicks a remote and the heels retract moving Nelle down to his level. He puts her up and down and up again.

Meanwhile Sandy, Billy’s secretary, tells him she quits. He asks her why and she tells him that its because he’s a jerk - underneath he’s OK, but on top he’s a jerk. The Robert Palmer girls make him look stupid and make her look stupid by association. In a non-macho moment he agrees to ditch the girls to get her to stay - Is he going soft?

Elaine and Ling are now in the unisex and are discussing Elaine’s breast shape. Ling gives her a hand to put them in the right place, at which point John walks in. Ally too then appears and again makes inane conversation with John. He follows her to her room. Ally finally tells John of her dream and the fact that she has realised that he is the one who brings her out of herself. The Biscuit is lost for words and leaves. Ally tries to follow but bumps into Nelle, before adjourning to the bar, where she drinks with Renee and tells her she told Cage, who walked off.

Elaine has been on her date and is saying goodnight outside her apartment, but he wants more. She explains its only their first date, but he lets slip that he’d been told by his friend that they had made out on the first date. Elaine explains that she likes him more than that, but he doesn’t get the logic ("Men and their dumbsticks", as Ling would probably say !).

Next day in the office Billy has lost his troop and Elaine is dressed in black like an old school mistress. Cage arrives. Ally rushes to meet him, but Nell gets there first. So Ally talks to Elaine who explains about her date. Ally suggests that it is his problem and not hers.

Cage decides to chat with Richard about the Ally confession, although no-one in their right mind would confide in this guy. Richard is unsympathetic. "The only question," he tells Cage, "is ‘Can you sleep with Ally without Nell finding out?’". Cage goes bananas at him and the fact that he reduces everything to sex. "You put the "Fish" in superficial", he concludes, which Richard rather likes, but then he would, wouldn’t he?

Georgia with new look hairstyle (its catching) walks into Fish & Cage Associates and hands Billy divorce papers, which she felt compelled to serve herself. Billy is upset and Sandy commiserates with her boss. Billy discusses the divorce with Richard and requests "The Team" to help him out - so its going to be amicable then?

Ally decides that she ought to apologise to John for putting him in an awkward position. He confirms that he wouldn’t have been upset if he wasn’t interested, but he tells her that he has decided what he wants - Nell for his girlfriend and Ally for his therapist. Umm, not quite what Ally had in mind. Later they chat again, but end up listing all of each other’s faults in a slanging match.

Elaine’s date, Bob, appears in the office to apologise, but Elaine is not interested. Ally too decides to apologise again to John - she’s knows his decision is right. She loves that he is odd and all his eccentricities and does not want to lose him as a friend. They cuddle and dance.

Billy is drowning his sorrows in the bar as Vanda warbles. Sandy is there too and he offers to walk her home - she accepts provided that’s all it is.

Elaine is in the unisex crying when Ally walks in. Ally tells her that she should just be herself and not worry what others think. Ally is actually quite envious of Elaine, hence the Santa baby song at the Christmas party. Elaine admits she’s lonely and Ally confirms that she is too. Ally offers to buy her dinner.

Nelle and John are walking home, and she wants to know what is his big secret. He lowers her heels, tells her he loves her and kisses her. Cue multiple wanderings to Vanda’s murderous version of "You’ve Got a Friend" - Billy & Sandy, Georgia on her own, John & Nell, Elaine & Ally.

(Wed 30/08/00) Out in the Cold

Its still the festive season in Boston and Ally walks past a bum in the street on her way to work, who gives her a hard time for ignoring him and quickly gives a neat resume of her life and all its faults. She is shocked and upset. 

She has not been in the office long when the police arrive with a warrant for the arrest of Ling on a charge that she has been supplying underage boys with sex via her escort agency. She is naturally indignant, but is arrested and taken off to the cells. Cage & Fish swing into action as her defence attornies, although Cage has a bit of a problem over the cell's sanitary arrangements. Ally can't resist returning to the bum for some more insightful comments and ends up inviting him for a coffee.

In court Cage is representing Ling when Richard intervenes and sets off on one of his politically incorrect monologues, until eventually the judge and Cage shut him up. The case is adjourned until later that afternoon and Ling is released on bail.

Ally and Louis, the bum, sit and have coffee. "What gave me away?" She asks. " You had this deadened look," he tells her. "A 'How did I turn out just the way I promised I would never turn out' sort of look."

Following Ling's release the team are meeting at Cage Fish & Associates, with Reneé having been called in to assist, but only on the basis that she may have some inside dirt on the prosecuting DA. Fish is concerned about the firm's reputation, but Reneé thinks this cannot go much lower, particularly when Cage used to have sex with call girls. Shock news for Nell who walks out of the meeting.

It transpires that Louis took to the streets after being made bankrupt after a series of bad deals. He also reveals that he is haunted by The Pips (of Gladys Knight fame), and Ally immediately confides her own problems with Al Green, but suggests that Louis may be better off than all the suits as he has music in his life.

Billy asks Ling how many girls she has under her control and orders 6 - not for himself, of course, but just to impress a client who likes that sort of thing. Billy wins the client on the basis that he is a better lawyer when sexually aroused  (uhmm nice thought...), but somehow fails to get rid of his 6 black leather-clad groupies, whom he has come to rather like "It becomes me" he suggests later to Ally.

John tries to explain why he used call girls to Nell, but she is not impressed with his busy man argument and leaves calling him a "peckerhead". He returns to court for Ling. Ally is also about to leave the building when she spots a clean-shaven and suited Louis in the lift. He admits he is an insurance agent and was merely doing research for a book. He has never been haunted by The Pips, but wishes he had been. She invites him for one more cup of coffee and he agrees.

In court one of the young men gives evidence of his several dates with Ling's girl at $175 a time, and the fact that they eventually end up having sex. He admits he didn't pay any extra for the sex, but thought it was a sort of bonus - "you know like frequent flyer miles!" Cage gets the boy to admit that the date liked him and that she may have made love because she really wanted to.

After coffee with Louis Ally's hopes are raised and she discusses the possibilities with Reneé. He is a definite "maybe" and it has been a long time since she has had one of those. They have a lunch date fixed for the next day, but Ally returns to the office after the supposed date only to inform Elaine that she has been stood up. They discuss the possible reasons and Ally is even happy to think that maybe its because he's dead. But then Louis shows up with some lame excuse about having been nearly run over. Ally buys it and Elaine agrees to get them some sarnies. They dance together to Ally's in-head music until Elaine returns and spoils the party.

Ling takes the stand and is her antagonistic self. Explaining that girls are stupid, but men are even more so. Girls become envious of men with other beautiful girls. But her girls are not there for sex, just for show.

John returns to the office to prepare his closing and he and Nell discuss the callgirl situation. Nell confides that she is hurt. She doesn't want the man she marries or the father of her children to have been with a prostitute. Cage is left speechless. He closes the case with some "assistance" from Richard on the basis that no crime has actually been committed.

Ally is very keen on Louis - he must be a criminal or married she tells Elaine, and goes to find him at his office. She is stalled at the desk when she asks for him and eventually is told that he no longer works at the office and has a paranoid personality disorder (he'd make a good lawyer then!). Crushed she returns to her office and Louis is there. He tells her he wants to be well now. But all she can say is "I don't think it'll work out", and he leaves.

Naturally Ling wins her case, but with the "moral condemnation of the court". Cage apologises to Nell and their as yet unborn progeny and are, of course, together for the Wander with Vanda. Ally wanders too.........but alone again.

(Wed 23/08/00) Blue Christmas

Even with Vanda's dulcet tones singing carols in the background it was difficult to get into the Christmas spirit on a warm August night here in the UK, but suspending belief (as ever) it was babies took centre stage this week - or rather one baby.

As Elaine and Ally wander the streets discussing whether Ally should sing at the Christmas party again, they spy a festive Nativity Scene, which turns out to contain a real baby in the cradle. Elaine scoops the infant into her arms lovingly. Trouble ahead.

Back in the office the next day and Fish is trying to convince Ally not to sing. " I can sing," she says. "I am not opposed to your having a voice," he responds, "but the rest of us have ears". Ally leaves him and is surprised to find Elaine bottle-feeding the baby in her room, and she tells Ally she wants to keep him. Ally tells her she needs to tell the authorities and they then discuss the potential adoption with John Cage. "Can you lactate?" he asks Elaine innocently as they discuss whether she has any legal standing. Elaine puts the baby to her breast, much to the consternation of the babbling Cage.

Billy is so busy that he has time to pump iron in his office until Sandy, his secretary, comes in. He towels down and gets dressed - surely they must have unisex showers in the office somewhere? She advises him to start again with Georgia and ask her to the Christmas party.

The baby is a big hit in the office with all the ambitious childless lawyers. Nell and Ling are happy to change him, even if he does pee in their faces, and that is much cooing and clucking from the girls and boys alike.

Cage and Ally take on Elaine's case (another non-payer) and convince the female judge that she has a right to be heard thanks to some sneeky work on Cage's behalf, when he gets opposing Counsel to admit that whether or not Elaine is a fit mother is an issue - "Well for that to be an issue, my client must have some standing here," he says triumphantly. Touché!

Billy takes Sandy's advice and asks Georgia to come to the Christmas party with him on a date, but unseen by us she refuses. He then asks Sandy, but she turns him down on the basis that she works for him and its too soon after Georgia.

Ally is determined now to sing at the Christmas party, particularly as she overheard Fish and Billy in the unisex suggesting she could never sing a sexy song. Elaine coaches her, but they are quickly called away to court. Elaine takes the stand and suggests that this was meant to be and that she has already bonded with the baby, and he with her. But under cross-examination it becomes apparent that the Social Services have done some digging and found out about Elaine's reputation as the office slut and acting as a "fluffer" for Cage's sex life, not to mention being sued by her own family over the Face Bra, and the customised coloured condoms. Things are looking bleak. It transpires that it was Georgia who gave the DSS the ammunition they needed to fire at Elaine, on the basis that they had a right to know what she was like.

Now its the men's turn to look after the baby, whom Elaine has called Elliott. In the unisex Cage, Fish and Billy discover he likes music and they swing into the full Barry White "You're My Everything" routine, led by The Biscuit.

Ally closes for Elaine in the trial and appeals to the judge on the basis that she knows Elaine, while the DSS do not, and that she would ask Elaine to look after her child. She would make a wonderful mother given her caring nature.

Billy, Ally and Elliott take a moment in the office - "This should have been us", says Ally. "Where did it go wrong?" Could they get back together.....nah, not with old bleach-head.

At the Christmas party Ally does her song in her short Santa outfit and has them in raptures - even Fish is impressed, but they are quickly called to court and Ally goes as she is. The judge has been swayed by Ally and awards Elaine temporary guardianship. But its too good to last, of course, and the real mother shows up in the office to reclaim her baby. Elaine is determined to fight her for custody, but John convinces her to think about what is in the baby's best interests. She relents and amid tearful scenes hands the baby back to his mother.

(Wed 16/08/00) Saving Santa

So Georgia's left Cage & Fish and wouldn't you just know it her first case is against Ally and the funny little man himself. They have been taken on to represent the rotund Steven Mallory, who has been the Newman's store Santa Claus for the past 7 years, but has now been replaced by a new slim-line version. Naturally Billy thinks she's doing it to spite him, but all's fair in love and law it seems.

Ally comes across a small girl in the office and suddenly realises that its herself at 10 (not an obvious replacement for Al Green). She tells Ally "You have to save him", by which Ally assumes she means Billy (although if its her own fantasy why couldn't she have been a bit more accurate?). Ally is angry at Billy for kissing his client Robin Jones and the break-up with Georgia, but Billy interprets this as jealousy. She also tries to talk to Georgia during the trial, but Georgia's response is that she is fine - "I just went on this diet and lost 170lbs of dead weight" she explains.

Santa's case is not looking good, with no real cause of action (sorry slipped back into the legal jargon there for a sec), despite some brave chair-scrapping objections from Cage. In the office the team review the case, but can't think of a way to win - "He's a white male heterosexual - no-one cares about him", says John. But then Nell, in a throw-back 30's hairstyle, reminisces about her childhood visits to the Newman's Santa, which made her Christmas. John decides this is the line to take and asks Nell to give evidence and she agrees.

Ally continues to see herself and Billy at the age of 10 wherever she goes. Billy was going to be a fireman or a doctor when he grew up, so he could save a life every day, and Ally was going to be an artist and paint the world in beautiful colours. Billy can't recall these dreams. Ally confides in him that she feels she has a duty to save him from himself.

Nell's evidence is full of Christmas nostalgia, but Newman's CEO is unrepentant about the change to the new slimline Santa, which is demographically completely justified. Cage works hard to shake the witness, but merely provokes an attack of "shooting-arm" syndrome from him as the tension mounts. Inevitably the glass of water in hand ends in the judge's face as one such attack takes place.

Fish tries to counsel Billy over his recent change in appearance, status and attitude. "Before this your were boring. At least now people are talking about you." is about as subtle as Fish gets.

John gives an impassioned closing on the basis that Newmans are effectively shattering children's dreams of Christmas. The planted gallery of children burst into tears as expected. Georgia's close is more on the lines that someday reality has to hit home, and that Santa Claus is only make-believe anyway. Ally takes her to one side again and amidst screams from both women makes her listen to her. Both she and Billy need to work at it.

Back at the office Ally talks to Billy again, who is now more receptive to the idea of talking to Georgia, and at that she appears. They talk and Billy says the thing he really wants is for her to put her ring back on. Unseen by us she leaves and Ally asks Billy what's happening. Apparently Georgia can't bring herself to take him back (ummm....this storyline has a long way to run yet, me thinks).

Judge Walsh delivers the Santa verdict for the store and Cage is held in contempt for his comments to the judge, including the line many advocates would love to have voiced at the end of a trial "I'd like to personally roast your chestnuts over an open fire". Newman's CEO comes up to them after the trial and explains that it was important they won the case, but that they would like Mr Mallory back as their Santa Claus. He has apparently been swayed by Cage's rhetoric. 

And so it's Billy and Georgia's turn for that inevitable wander with Vanda moment -  alone of course.

(Wed 09/08/00) Changes

Yet another sexual harassment case formed the backdrop to tonight's episode in which it wasn't Ally that was having the relationship problems. In fact she was hardly in the show at all. 

John & Billy have been taken on by former magazine Editor-in-Chief  Robin Jones, played by Farrah Fawcett (remember her from Charlie's Angels?), who was dismissed after her workforce decided to stay away from work in protest at her meteoric rise to the top of the pile, having only just climbed off the dead body of the former 86 old boss (he wasn't dead when she got on you understand!). She claims sexual harassment and inevitably MCP Billy gets himself in some difficulties trying to defend her when he thinks she is just a gold digging trollop.

Cage meantime has his own problems, particularly facing the press when his stammer comes to the fore, and things are not made any better by Fish's crass comments and constant rewinds of the television coverage of the stuttering John. Trouble is he starts to lose his confidence in the courtroom, and after an exploding shoe stunt, Miss Jones decides to take him off the case. Which just leaves her with Billy. He advises her to settle, but she won't.

In the midst of this Georgia informs Richard that she is quitting to go and work with Reneé. Richard touchingly asks her to sleep on it and then immediately asks Elaine to ensure the locks on Georgia's door are changed so she doesn't have the opportunity to take any files (does she have any?).

Billy closes in the Mrs Jones case and gives an impassioned speech about the misconception that you cannot be pretty and clever, but all to no avail, apart from impressing said Mrs Jones. It will end in tears.

John remains furious about being kicked off the case and decides that he wants to remain outside the mainstream - he loves frogs, he prepares his closing argument walking around in bare feet, remnants in the toilet bowl traumatise him, he can only make love if he pretends to be Barry White and his nose whistles. Ally reasons with him that he is extraordinary - "Would you rather be a standard typical lawyer?"

Ling and Richard decide to split, although they may still date and she could still do that finger thing, and he could still do the knee-pit thing, and Robin comes in to thank Billy for his efforts, which she does in her own special way. Georgia catches them in mid embrace and leaves with the line "I quit my job and now I quit you."

Just another day in the office really............

(Wed 02/08/00) Troubled Water

Thanksgiving proves to be just as much a family trauma in the US as the traditional Christmas festivities back here in the UK, only this is Ally McBeal, so just think of your worst nightmare scenario and double it!!

Georgia has forgotten all about Thanksgiving, until reminded by George her new "drinking companion" in the absence of Billy the Blonde. They share a passionate Thanksgiving eve kiss, before she retires to the bar below the office and asks if anybody knows where she can get a turkey - Ling (in one of her best vitriolic episodes) responds "You've already got one" casting an eye in Billy's direction as he dances with Elaine.

Ally invites them to her place for Thanksgiving and at Cage's insistence also invites Ling and Richard (which makes the whole cast) - a recipe for disaster given Whipper's proposed presence at the meal.

And so to Ally's, where she is looking at her most vulnerable and pre-pubescent. The gang arrive and Ling is straight in with the insults, to which Whipper responds commiserating at her failure to have an orgasm with Richard. Elaine can hardly contain her excitement at the prospect of a good spat. Mrs McBeal arrives, followed shortly by her husband - its George (the guy Georgia kissed!). A double irony given Billy's former relationship with Ally and the Ally/Billy kiss scenario in the last series (see below). It doesn't stay a secret for long with first Ally and then her mother finding out, and she announces it to the room. Ally decides to clear the house except for her parents and her guests take the comestibles with them to carry on elsewhere.

Turns out that in addition to kissing Georgia, Mr McB had a fling just after Ally left home, and that Mrs McB isn't quite as holy as she at first makes out, confessing initially to a dalliance with a penis, that just happened to have a man attached, in revenge for her husband's affair, but Ally then spilling the beans on her mother's affair when Ally was just 3. This is news to Dad who promptly indicates that its time they got divorced.

Back at the Thanksgiving meal Ling is in stinging form and eventually Whipper takes Richard to one side. He admits to Whipper that she's an ideal shoulder to cry on, but that what he needs from a relationship is sex, and that Ling is quite good at that! Whipper is not impressed. Ling meanwhile has consumed almost all the food, but seems confident that Richard will return.

Ally takes her mother and father to see her shrink - Tracey Ullman back from holiday and at her best. Transpires Ally's Mum is jealous of Ally, because her father loved her to the exclusion of her mother. But they go off to sort it out.

Georgia and Billy decide it may be time to part, Richard admits to Whipper that he is shallow, but can't bring himself to admit any more than that, and Billy meets his PA Sandy and invites her for a coffee. Georgia wanders to Vanda and Ally reminisces at the piano. So that's another Thanksgiving over with then. Roll on next year...........

(Wed 26/07/00) Heat Wave

Not content with Ally's lack of ability in the relationship department, it seems that everyone else at Cage & Fish are slopping around in the mire that is "a loving relationship". Ling confides to Richard that she is faking her orgasms, Billy has decided to take an early mid-life chauvinist crisis, instead of the more usual sabbatical, and Nell (apart from the fact that her breasts seems to be disappearing) is not too impressed by The Biscuit's impressions of her in the throes of passion - "Oh, Oh, Oh" (note no exclamation marks).

Is this all a plan to make Ally look more normal we ask ourselves? Could be. For the second time in 4 weeks she manages to have sex, but once again its with Joel, the car wash manager. Whenever they see each other they are drawn into fits of passion. As Ally says, they are "so compatible" - almost a natural fit it seems.

Trouble is Risa, Joel's former fianceé, who called off the wedding after Ally's intervention, is suing Ally for intentional infliction of emotional distress. Ally's counsel (Whipper and Reneé, of course) advise her to settle or try and persuade Joel to confirm that marriage to Risa would have been a disaster. He's not interested as he genuinely loves her and is not the runaround Ally thought he was. So the answer is to get them back together. He appears early in the office for the meeting and the pair just can't help themselves. Fortunately Ally stops Joel from spilling the beans to Risa and they leave together with the suit dropped and Ally drooling over the departing Joel.

Billy meanwhile has decided to come out of the "Sensitive 90's man" closet in which he has been hiding and become Macho Self-Centred Man, although quite where the bleached-blonde hair and earring fit into this I'm not quite sure. Georgia is naturally delighted at the prospect of living with a Neanderthal and befriends a former alcoholic in a bar - like you do when you're fed up.

And so to Richard, crushed by Ling's fake orgasm revelation, he asks Whipper if she too had had to fake it. No way apparently and at the end of the show she invites him to stroke her woggle (or is it waddle) - anyway her neck. Hesitantly he complies much to her enjoyment.

(Wed 19/07/00) Seeing Green

Not quite so much of a sexual theme this week, but still the court case that Billy turned down as "he had a meeting" turns out to be a sexual harassment case, but involving 14 year olds and an unwanted kiss.

Turns out Billy's meeting is at Male Chauvinists Anonymous. He seems to have taken Reneé's rantings from last week to heart. Somehow you can almost believe that in the US they really do have such meetings, where old men learn to become new men. But sadly it seems Billy won't be one of them. Inexplicably he takes Richard along to the second meeting and Richard, being Richard, explains to the group that they have been disenfranchised of their penises and they should demand them back. Billy confides in Georgia that he doesn't want her to be partner and that when they have kids that he wants her to sat at home and be a good housewife, and no he is not going to apologise for this chauvinistic attitude. Georgia is unimpressed and floors him....well that's equality for you.

Ally has her own problems, of course, mainly in the shape of the recurring Al Green and his love songs. "He is singing my life...I think I'm in love". Shrink Tracey Ullman has been replaced by the dippy one from the Golden Girls, who finally manages to convince Ally that her only option is to take Prozac. Ally is not too keen and Al continues to appear, even with the accompaniment of the Pipless Gladys Knight. Should she resort to drugs? She's tempted but flushes them away, much to the disgust of her new therapist - "a waste of good drugs". On a quiet walk home Al appears for the last time to sing his goodbyes (damn there goes a good contract for Mr Green).

As for the law, Nell and John convince a young girl to withdraw her allegation of sexual harassment against a bashful classmate, who is more hurt by her rejection than she was by his kiss. Nell restores his self-esteem by kissing the boy herself - like you do as a lawyer, and finds it in her heart to forgive the Biscuit his spanking indiscretion (see last week if you have no idea what we are on about).

(Wed 12/07/00) Buried Pleasures

Sometimes you do begin to wonder about what goes through the mind of AM creator and writer David E Kelley (does anybody know what the "E" stands for?) - mostly it seems to be sex. But then sex sells, so perhaps he's just a very good business man.

In this episode we were treated to the right for women to be sexy and flirt at work (even if it upsets the other less glamorous women), particularly if it helps their careers. We also had the much-hyped potential lesbian relationship between Ling and Ally, and learned of Nell's sexual fantasy of being spanked. The more I think of it the more I believe that DEK must be represented in the series by Richard Fish.

As for the legal stuff, well Reneé gets to represent the sexy blonde who is just too sexy for her co-workers to live with, while Billy gets to represent her boss who is also being sued. Billy proves to be the true male chauvinist, who only married Georgia, because he wanted a little wifey to look after him (umm...nope don't follow that one), and can't stand powerful women. But what the heck they win their case anyway.

Meanwhile back in an office far too large for someone as petite as Callista Flockhart, Ling and Ally discuss Ling's dream of kissing a woman and agree to go to dinner. Ally confesses later to Reneé that the thought of kissing certain women doesn't actually disgust her and Ling's that woman. What happens if she tries anything on during dinner?

Ling seeks advice from the very non-pc Richard who explains why lesbians are fine (can he watch), but male homosexuals not so. All to do with procreation of the species and lesbians being a major turn-on for most guys. Nell is not much better, but confides to her own spanking fantasy "in spanking circles the bottom controls"..., which John hears at the door and later he too seeks counselling from Richard, who locates some fine information on the Net, which leads John to believe he needs to play along with this fantasy. At the end of the show he does with the inevitable disasterous consequences.

Back to the date and after an awkward start the two girls agree that they much prefer men, but then put on a charade for the local hockey team, with some smoochy dancing to Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison. Outside Ally's apartment they say goodnight, but don't kiss. Next day in the office they both agree they wanted to, and they really ought, and then, horror of horrors, they do - twice, coz they liked it so much the first time. However they agree there is still a missing ingredient - the penis and agree never to kiss another female. Time for Vanda to get in on the act - singing that is, and Richard and Ling dance with Ally looking on wistfully...............

(Wed 05/07/00) Car Wash

She's back with a bang, literally!! Before we have even had the titles Ally has already confessed to John that she has just had sex in a car wash with a complete stranger. In fact they didn't make love they did "the vulgar verb". Well that has got all the guys sitting up and taking notice.

A cold shower for the guys (perhaps not that appropriate given the car wash theme) and the titles later, and Ally reappears, slightly less bedraggled, to be handed a female client by Richard. She is the daughter of a major client of the firm so needs looking after, although the legality or otherwise of her problem troubles me (oops slipped into Biscuit mode there). Her problem is that her Minister will not carry out her wedding ceremony the following Saturday having caught her in flagranté with someone who was not her fiancé. Ally too struggles to find a legal hook on which to pin this action, but calls together the Team to discuss the issue - Billy looks shorn, Georgia more doll-like, and Ling impregnable. This time it is the Biscuit who is genuinely troubled. "There seems", he says, "to be a rash of oversexed women!", which is greeted with a cartoonesque look of daggers from Ally, and excitement from Richard - "Is Ally having sex?"

Meanwhile Renée has left the prosecutor's office and is setting up alone, that is until Whipper decides its time to go back into private practice and volunteers her services. Later we see the pair interviewing prospective male candidates, who they naturally ask to remove their shirts. Whipper explains that its tough winning clients and they plan to use their feminine charms to woo a few, so the guys will have to perform as well.

Despite Richard's valiant attempts at political correctness, the Judge refuses to force the Minister to carry out the wedding ceremony, so they appeal direct to the Minister. Risa (the bride to be) explains that her fiancé is a terrible lover and she had to "feel things" before she committed herself to him for ever. The Minister relents [avid AM fans may already have been spotting a David E Kelley storyline at this time].

So to the wedding and Ally is a bridesmaid in true ghastly dress. As the bride makes her way serenely down the aisle Ally castes her eye over the groom and his entourage - yup, you guessed it (you didn't?) the groom is the car wash guy. Ally screams, but recovers her composure until the "Does any person know of any reason why these two people should not be married" bit, when her hand begins to rise almost involuntarily. She whispers her reason to the Minister, but direct into his microphone - "I had sex with the groom". Eventually the service resumes but Ally (demoted to the bench) can't keep it in and takes Risa aside and explains that her fiancé is in fact a fantastic lover. If he is not doing it for her then there is something wrong........the wedding's off.

Back in the office John has found Barry White again, with the aid of Elaine, having lost him after been disturbed by a request from Nell for phone-sex whilst away. He returns home for a night of passion, but at the vital moment Nell herself turns into Barry White - not quite what was needed.

Cue Vonda and her piano and more street wandering for Ally and Risa......

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