Just in case you missed an episode here's the Web's definitive Ally McBeal review of each programme going back to Series Two. 

Series Four started with a double bill on Channel 4 on Wednesday 1 August 2001 and ended on 19 December 2001.

The Wedding (19/12/01)

The Wedding - what wedding?? Should it have been Ally and Larry?

Young Ally takes her broken Ken doll to her mother, who promptly throws it in the bin telling her they don’t make the men as strong as the women. Ally wakes in bed and then sees the dancing baby in top hat and tails singing "Never gonna get married". She throws a shoe at it and it turns into a cherub. She calls the cherub to her and than tries to whack it with a handy tennis racket, but as she does so it turns into a monster. She screams and her mother comes rushing in to see her. Ally tells her it was a dream and that she is fine.

At the breakfast meeting at C&F Richard introduces Jane Willkoe to the firm. John tells them that she has been hired to bring some warmth to the firm. Richard allocates a new case to Ally although he does not know what it is about, but as he does so Ally sees him as Billy. She then looks at Jackson, but sees him singing "You’ve got a friend". Then Elaine comes in dressed in black with a veil and tells her that her 10 o’clock appointment is here.

Ally introduces herself to Reverend Harris, the expert from the cloning case, and a young Malcolm Wyatt. The Reverend tells Ally that Malcolm is one of his choir boys who is in dire and immediate need of Ally’s help. He had a date for the school prom and just a week before the prom date she has told Malcolm that she is going with another boy. He wants Ally to get an order making the girl go with Malcolm. Ally is sceptical and tells them that in order to get such an order they would have to show irreparable harm. Malcolm explains that the girl is special to him. They have been friends since the 9^th Grade. He loves her and does not think he could ever love someone else. At that Ally sees Billy in the doorway. She is not sure she can take the case but the Reverend asks to speak with her alone. He tells her that Malcolm is a necrophiliac. Ally is aghast, but the Reverend goes on to explain he has a fear of wide-open spaces. Ally corrects him - its agoraphobic. Flustered by his mistake the Reverend goes on to explain that asking this girl to the prom is a huge thing for Malcolm, and that he was also going to sing there. He thinks it will empower Malcolm to go. Plus the lawyer for the girl is Larry Paul. "Have you been up against him personally?" asks the Reverend. "You could say that." Ally responds, as she agrees to take the case.

In the bar Richard and Jane are dancing to "Rescue Me". Ling and Nelle pout at the bar. John and Ally are sitting at a table and John says that she should call Larry, but she says she can’t. They dance together and Ally thanks John for caring. As Vanda sings "For Once in My Life" Ally makes a hasty exit (understandably) leaving John shadow dancing alone.

Ally has gone back home and Renee asks her what she is doing. She says that she is thinking about her track record. Renee asks if Larry has called, but she confirms he hasn’t. Ally asks Renee to play "Sleep Tight My Love" which she does. Ally cries. "You’ll beat this," says Renee. "I know I will," says Ally, "but first I have to beat him in court."

Ally is at the courthouse in virginal white, with Reverend Harris and Malcolm. The lift door opens and the people spill out, but there is no Larry. Instead it is Corretta with her client, and her mother and father. Corretta asks Ally if she has heard from him. Ally says no, and Corretta tells her that he has gone back to Detroit. "To live?" Ally asks forlornly "Yeh, but not with her. To be near his son." Corretta tells her.

In court Ally and Corretta argue about the possible breach of promise to Malcolm and how it has caused him irreparable harm. The Reverend stands up and tells the Judge that Malcolm is a borderline necrophiliac…..The Judge decides that he wants to hear from Malcolm and so he takes the stand. He tells the court that he believes everyone has one person who is right for them and that Andrea is his. She is the only person who knows him. The Judge says that he has his sympathy, but that he is only 17. The Reverend jumps up to complain that age is not relevant, but the Judge tells him to be quiet and refuses to grant the order.

Outside the court Ally tells Malcolm that they did not really deserve to win as this was not a case of irreparable harm. She tells him about her love for Billy and Larry. "I still love him, but experience tells me that I will love and be loved again." "You still believe in love?" he asks. "You have to." Says Ally. In her mind she sees a Marine Sergeant Major and she is a private screaming "Men suck sir!!"

Back at the office Jane tries to be friendly to Ling, but she just blanks her. Richard asks Jane if she is getting on OK and she tells him that it is a bit cold in the office. She had expected it to be warmer as he and John are so nice. Richard realises that she has a point.

Ally is in church. Malcolm is there to and Ally says that she has come to see him. She tells him that he should still sing at the prom. He tells her that he asked to sing at the prom as he didn’t want people to pick on Andrea for going with him. He wanted to show everyone that he was good at something. But he says he will not go alone. Ally offers to go with him if he will sing and he agrees. Ally leaves to go and buy a dress.

Back at the office Jane goes in to see John and tells him that she thinks Richard is sad and is sitting in his office, because he is sitting there with a sign round his neck saying I am sad. John goes in to see Richard and he is sitting there with a sign round his neck saying "Go away. I am sad". John asks him what the problem is and he tells him that the office is a cold place. No-one cares about each other. John tells him that he and Ally have had a wonderful year. Even Richard has shone through with Jane. Richard says he wants some compassion and he and John agree they need to make big changes.

Ally is in the dress shop where the assistant suggests she is a little old for a prom dress, but scuttles off to see what she can find. While she is away Ally surveys the wedding dresses and then the dummies start to sing. Ally covers her face and when the assistant returns the dummies are quiet again.

Back at the office Richard asks Ally if he and Jane can come along to the prom. Ally reluctantly agrees. Elaine comes in and tells her that her Dad is here. Ally goes down to see him in the bar, where he is sat at the piano. He says that he wants to kill Larry, but Ally says he didn’t do anything wrong and that he is in pain too. They sing together their song from when Ally was little and she hugs her Dad.

That evening Elaine is getting Ally ready for her Prom in Ally’s office. Alone for a moment Ally looks into the mirror and sees Billy. She asks him why he has not been around lately, and he tells her that it is because she hasn’t needed him. He has come to share some classified information, which is that she has a very happy life ahead of her. She tells him that she never doubted it. He tells her he loves her. She cries and says thank you to Billy who then disappears. Malcolm arrives in his tux and promptly trips over, before they leave for the prom.

At the prom KC & the Sunshine Band are playing. Ally introduces herself to fellow promenaders as Malcolm’s mistress. Richard and Jane are soon at The Hustle and they have the whole dancefloor at it to the strains of "Boogie Man". Malcolm is beginning to get cold feet about his song, but Ally convinces him to go through with it. He is introduced to the crowd, but no-one is very interested, until he starts to sing. Naturally he is great (although the song is pretty dire - Your’e Still You). The room settles to a hush as he sings and Ally cries imagining herself alone in the room. As he finishes his song there is a deathly hush, before rapturous applause [apparently that really was the unknown Josh Groban’s voice and his album is available with that song on it].

After the prom Malcolm walks Ally home and she tells him what an amazing voice he has. He thanks her and trips up again. They stop outside his home and she tells him that he has helped her and that he will meet somebody. "I will and you will," she says and kisses him gently on the cheek.

Ally walks home alone of course. Richard and Jane walk home together….and so we move on to Series 5……….

Home Again (12/12/01)

Ally is on the operating table. Her heart exposed, when the surgeon halts proceedings declaring that the heart has been broken. As he throws it into the bin Ally wakes next to the sleeping Larry.

Over breakfast Ally discusses her dream with Renee. Renee tries to pass it off as just a dream, but Ally says it means something and that at dinner something happened. [A scene which we did not see] When the waiter brought the "Fruit Cobbler", which Larry ordered, Larry’s face apparently fell with every bite she took. She cannot understand it.

At Larry’s office all is explained (sort of). He tells Corretta that the waiter brought the dessert to the wrong table. [For those not in the know it had contained an engagement ring and Larry was going to propose - original storyline involving Ally accepting ruined by Downey Jrs subsequent arrest etc?]. Corretta suggests he just propose in the old fashioned way, but Larry thinks the previous night’s failure is an omen. As Corretta walks out telling Larry there is no such thing as an omen Larry’s ex-wife, Helena Fisher, walks in, and invites Larry to lunch.

In LA Richard has flown out to see Jane, who is after some advice. She has had some nude photos taken as part of her portfolio, but now a magazine wants to publish them. Jane is concerned what her father will say. Unfortunately the contract gives the photographer the right to publish the photos. Jane says she never read it. Richard asks to see the pictures, but Jane is reluctant. Eventually she agrees and Richard’s tongue naturally falls out of his head as he studies them. "They are artful. They don’t show George W" he comments. Richard tells Jane that he will schedule an immediate "conjunction" and that he will move to suppress them on the grounds of them being unconstitutional, and that they may be able to scare them off with the threat of "punitory damages" (all bunkum, of course). He therefore phones John who tells him he needs an "injunction", that moving to suppress is a criminal motion, the Constitution has nothing to do with a contract case and that if he threatens "punitory" rather than "punitive" damages, then he will have lost before he begins. As Richard hangs on the phone a bikini-clad (just) Nicole, Jane’s roommate, appears. She too had photos done, but they have never been published. Richard tells Jane he is going to meet with the magazine’s attorneys and that he’d like Nicole to be there too.

At C&F John is just leaving his office when he conjures up a speeded-up version of Barry White in the mirror. Ally enters and watches him. John explains that he needs to access him regularly and that only has time to do it at speed. He asks what Ally wants. Initially she says nothing really until pressed when she says that Larry is going to dump her. The romantic dinner the previous evening hadn’t worked and Larry has just cancelled lunch. She feels that something is up. John says he is free for lunch and they go out together.

At an ice-cream parlour Larry and his ex are having lunch. They are discussing the merits of marriage, which Larry condemns for various reasons. She tries to convince him otherwise. She asks for a cannister of whipped cream. She squirts in onto her finger and puts it on the end of his nose, replicating what he used to do to her when she was depressed.

Meanwhile Ally and John are heading towards the same ice-cream parlour. They spot Larry whose face is being daubed in cream by his ex. John suggests pizza. Ally stomps into the parlour and Larry introduces his ex-wife, but when Ally asks what they are talking about they both say "nothing", rather unconvincingly. Ally grabs Larry’s dish and dumps it on his head, then adds Helena’s and then some chocolate sauce just for good measure, before applying the coup de grace by spraying him in whipped cream. She and John then leave. "She seems nice" says Helena. "She’s a sweetheart," says Larry.

Ally is back at her flat broken-hearted. She thinks back to her relationship with Larry and his penchant for leaving with a note. Ally won’t let John into her room, so he has called Renee. John explains the problem briefly to Renee, but she won’t let her in either.

At Larry’s office Corretta is picking the last of the ice cream out of Larry’s hair. She tells him that he has to talk with Ally and he says he plans to but without "hot fudge hair". Larry thinks its another omen. Corretta tells him to go and talk to her.

In LA Richard, Jane and Nicole are in the meeting with the magazine’s attorney, who suggests patronisingly that a contract is a contract. Richard counters by asking Nicole to take off her shirt, displaying her voluptuous shape. Richard suggests that if her photos weren’t published then what expectation could Jane have had of her photos ever being published. Mr Line is unsympathetic to Richard’s interesting argument or his "have a heart" request.

John has finally got in to see Ally and tells her that she is making a mountain out of a molehill. Ally puts everything together and says that she just doesn’t trust Larry. She has already called him and broken up with him.

Back in LA the three amigos are chatting (how did Richard not suggest a threesome?). Richard tells the others that he has a motion scheduled for 3pm and that they should go in and take one last shot.

At Larry’s office Larry is explaining to Corretta that Ally has dumped him because she does not trust him. Corretta suggests it is just pre-marriage nerves, but Larry counters by saying she has no experience of marriage. He has an ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend with a child who are going to be in his life and that Ally just cannot cope with that now. Larry says that he is a two-time loser on relationships and that maybe he is afraid of strike three.

Ally is still at home thinking about her first meeting with Larry. Renee tells her that no man can make or break her. Renee suggests a consoling ice-cream, but Ally says she is going to go to work.

In the office the crew are discussing Ally and Larry’s break-up, when John and Ally exit the lift. There is a deathly hush. Ling feigns concern to John, but his cellphone rings. Its Richard. He’s going into court wired-up so that John can tell him what to say. If he wins then he might get sex. He tells John he’ll call him back from court. Jane tells Richard that he is sweet and that she wishes she could pay him. He says that seeing her naked was payment enough and says that he is sure she is a great actress. She kisses him sweetly.

Back in Boston Ally is on the phone to her Mum, who obviously thinks something is wrong. Ally promises her nothing is wrong and gets cross and hangs up. The others are listening at the door.

At Larry’s office Helena turns up to speak with Larry. Larry sends Corretta out for a coffee so he can speak with Helena. Helena cannot understand how he had been on the verge of proposing and now it is all over. Larry admits that it is not Ally but him. Helena poses the question of how his life is now without her.

In John’s office he is setting up pictures of the parties in Richard’s LA court case. (We’ll skip over how he could possibly have got them in the last few minutes). He hears the case called in LA and Richard stands and authoritatively asks for a temporary restraining order against the defendant publishers. Mr Line points to the fact that he has a signed contract, but through John, Richard suggests that there was no meeting of the minds. John needs to think of his next argument and asks Richard to buy him some time. Richard waffles about Martin Luther King and Teddy Roosevelt, which allows John to suggest that they have as much relevance as Mr Line’s arguments. John is in mid-flow when he gets a crossed-line and then gets cut off. Richard is flying solo. He argues that the world is full of legal jargon. The judge asks if he is a real lawyer. He suggests he sounds like a lay person. And that allows Richard to make his closing point that Jane is a lay person, who does not understand the law, particularly in this complex contract.

That evening Larry goes to see Ally at her office. He tells her that he and his ex were discussing her, and more importantly him. He tells her that he does not really trust himself. He has failed as a father and a husband, and he thinks he may fail again, and with that he leaves. Ally walks home alone.

At home Ally discusses Larry’s erratic behaviour with Renee. She tells Renee that he leaves notes. "I’m going to get a note," she says.

Next morning Ally walks to work, seeing others as herself pushing buggies, and then bumps into her mother, who tells her she is worried. Ally hugs her and cries.

In court in LA the judge decides in favour of Jane. Richard looks shocked as the contract is voided. Jane asks how she can thank him and Richard of course just says "Sex". More in hope than anything. She declines his kind offer but suggests they hustle that evening, but Richard tells her he is flying out later that day.

Ally has stopped for a coffee with her Mum. She suggests that it is too early to declare the split final. Ally is embarrassed that she is incomplete. Her mother tells her that family is everything and that she shouldn’t be embarrassed about wanting a family. Ally says she is not sure she can go on without him, but her Mum says that she is the strongest person she knows and that she’ll go on come what may.

Richard is packed and ready to go. Jane asks him to take the "red-eye", but he says no. Then he has an idea and suggests that she comes to Boston and works for C&F while doing local theatre. She thinks he is asking her to move in with him, but he says that is not the offder.

Ally exits the lift at C&F in black and white. Elaine tells her that Larry came by to see her. Having told Elaine she doesn’t ever want to see him, she cannot help but get her hopes up a little, as the colour returns. But Elaine continues "He dropped off a note". Ally knows its over. She walks away and closes her office door, declining to even open the note as she knows what it says. Elaine cannot resist. It reads "I LOVE YOU. GOODBYE."

Queen Bee (05/12/01)

Man magnet Sydney Gale comes into the C&F office looking for Richard Fish. When he sees her he can hardly speak. The others look on nervously as Richard takes her into his office. Turns out she runs an ad agency and she is being sued for sexual harassment. She hires only men to work for her. She is the queen bee in her hive. Coming on to Richard in her sexy voice she offers him the chance to suck on her toe (always happens doesn’t it) which he accepts (we used to offer tea and a biscuit).

At the morning meeting Richard tells them that Lisa Knowles and Mark Newman are having problems again (the choir leader and the Reverend from a few shows back). Ling interrupts. She wants to know who the woman was who came into the office the previous evening. Richard tells them its Sydney Gale and that she is being sued for wrongful termination. Richard asks John to take the case, but Ling says she does not want the firm to represent "that woman". Richard allocates Reverend Newman to Nelle and Jackson.

Richard calls John into his office and admits that he sucked on Sydney’s toe. John is horrified. Sydney enters the office and Richard introduces her to John. He too is beguiled by her and she offers to show him her toe too.

Meanwhile Reverend Newman tells Nelle and Jackson that he has a new girlfriend, and that Lisa doesn’t like it. The girlfriend, Buttons, is in the choir and Lisa apparently sings at her sometimes, directing her hostile songs at her rather than at the Reverend. Both girls want him to fire the other. He wants to fire Lisa, but he’s afraid of being sued for sexual harassment. He invites Nelle and Jackson to come to the service that evening to see the problem.

In court Mr Dickens, a male employee of Sydney’s, is giving evidence. He tells the court that all the men work for her and crave her. Most of the 100 employees have had sexual contact with her. When Dickens told Sydney that he no longer wanted to lust after her she fired him. When John crosses it transpires that Dickens said he wanted no contact with her whatsoever, as he could not resist her. He did not leave of his own volition as he did not want to leave her. He had not had sex with Sydney, but would lick her forearm, which she would let him do after he had begged her. John just shakes his head.

At the church that evening Reverend Newman is in full flow. The choir kicks in with Lisa at the forefront singing "Run for your life" (hardly a Sunday classic). Buttons makes her way through the choir and sings back at Lisa. They battle it out in song, as Nelle and Jackson watch on.

Next day at C&F Richard and John are watching a video about bees. John points out the queen. Reverend Newman is talking to Nelle and Jackson. They tell him that there is no cause of action, and Jackson suggests they get them both in a room. The Reverend is dubious, but Jackson convinces him that his speciality is "smooth" (a little known area of the law). Nelle is less convinced.

Richard leads Sydney through her evidence. She explains her beehive principle of working with her at the centre. She explains that sex is part of the scenario as the drones work better if they want to copulate. Richard laps it up of course. On cross examination she confirms that she expects all her employees to want to have sex with her.

Going back to C&F Richard and John fawn over Sydney. She goes to the unisex while John and Richard discuss the case. John has no idea if they are winning. He admits that he is drawn to her. He wants to ravage her. Naturally this is deeply disturbing to the otherwise controllable Biscuit. He begs Richard not to let him succumb.

Nelle and Jackson have got the singing protagonists together in the conference room. Lisa is represented by a rotund Mrs Parkes who suggests that the sexual harassment law is an expanding area of law. Nelle suggests that she is obviously quick to champion expansion. "Are you making a fat joke?" asks Mrs Parkes. The smooth Jackson steps in to calm the situation. "Oh shut up, pretty boy. Nobody likes a pretty boy." Says Mrs Parkes. Nelle cannot resist a quick snigger. Turns out Mrs Parkes is not a lawyer, just an "Emotional Representative". She leaves them with an ultimatum - either he dumps Buttons or Lisa goes on singer what she wants to sing. As Nelle says "seems the smooth approach fell short".

In the unisex John tells Sydney that he wants to interview one of her satisfied employees and call one as a witness. Sydney asks him if he isn’t just a little bit jealous of Richard. She says she knows he craves a gentle kiss. He resists her flirting initially, but then she lifts him to her and kisses him.

Nelle has called Lisa in to see her alone. She tells her that she cannot do this. She suggests she is humiliating herself. Nelle suggests she sings her pain, but tones it down a little.

John and Richard have gone to the Gale Advertising Agency. She takes them into the main office where her drones are buzzing about. As she walks through they all buzz around her.

Nelle and Jackson are now trying to sell the deal with Lisa to Reverend Newman. She suggests that by dating another member of the choir he may be creating a hostile work environment. Buttons must stop jumping out of the chorus. They agree to give it a go.

Back in court another Gale drone is on the stand. He explains her system works as there is no competition as they are all just trying to please Sydney.

In church that evening Nelle and Jackson are waiting to see what happens. Reverend Newman is preaching about the law and suggests they should all celebrate God’s law as one. Lisa moves to the front and sings about her pain and how she cannot make her love unhappy. She leaves crying half way through the song.

In Richard’s office John is explaining to Richard that he must have her, but he does not want to succumb. "Don’t let me alone with that woman", he says as Sydney enters the room. She says she is aching to find out what would happen if they were alone. John leaves for court. Sydney closes the door leaving just her and Richard.

Nelle is at the church talking to Mrs Parkes. She is there to speak with Lisa. Nelle says she was moved by the song. She suggests it was too much pain. She cannot sing about it in the workplace.

Neat cut back to the trial where Counsel for Mr Dickens is summing up also about rules in the workplace. Neat cut back to Lisa who wants protection in her workplace. Neat cut (you get the idea) to the trial where Miss Gale is alleged to be preying on the weak. John closes for Sydney, with frequent sexual references to himself rather than others. The question is whether Sydney Gale is illegal.

Nelle is back at the office and is telling Reverend Newman that he is not free in his own workplace. He has to be careful. His relationship needs to be kept discrete.

Recess at court and John is talking more calmly with Sydney, but she is all over him. He warns her that he may be more than she can handle. She invites him to tear off her clothes, but he resists his lust. Just in time Richard comes in to tell them the jury is back. The jury (for some reason they believe the applicant is called Jacobs - sure he was Dickens earlier!) find for Sydney. She thanks Richard and John and lifts John up again to kiss him. Richard looks on aghast.

In the bar Anastascia and Vanda blast out "My Love is a Lie". Sydney dances with the guys in the bar and Ling warns Jackson not even to look at her. Nelle tells Jackson that Lisa is going to try and stop singing, but if she fails they can always go back to his smooth approach. Jackson is not amused. Richard commends John on his strength of character in resisting Sydney. They agree that if more women figure out this queen bee thing then all men will be in trouble.

Cloudy Skies, Chance of a Parade (28/11/01)

Its Ally’s birthday again (31) - always a troublesome time for her. She is in bed and her alarm clock wakes her with a few apparent home truths - "tick, tick, don’t you ever won’t to have a baby?" Ally wakes and goes into the bathroom to survey her wrinkles. She tells Renee its time for her first face lift. "You don’t look a day over 40" Renee tells her and receives a low flying shoe for her whimsical efforts.

At the morning meeting Ally is missing. Mark informs them that she called in "older". Its her birthday. She's depressed he explains. Nelle feigns concern for her work colleague. Suddenly John stands and takes charge of the meeting with a Richardesque "Next up!" Richard is flummoxed. He cannot understand what John is up to. He conducts the meetings. John takes his seat and asks Richard to "move along." Its Dale v Holby - a patient suing a doctor for a bad nose job - John looks mortified and his nose whistles in sympathy. Richard allocates it to John and Nelle, but John declines. He has a thing about noses having been traumatised by a History teacher who caught John staring at his big n..n..n…(he cannot even say it). John continues to try and get out of the case, but eventually stands and says "Fine then. Move along. Next up!" Richard sits down sheepishly.

In Larry’s office he is interviewing Corretta Lipp for the post of associate. She is unimpressed by his office and its facilities and makes to leave. Larry tells her its a shame as in his mind he had already hired her. At this point Sting (he’s a pop singer for those from Mars) enters looking for Mr Larry Paul. Corretta thinks its a stunt, but soon agrees to open a file, asking for Sting’s last name.

Back at C&F Nelle is interviewing Harold Dale who had the nose job. He requested the nose, but he says not this big. John cannot help staring at it. Dale is a female impersonator and over the years Barbra Streisand has become his biggest character. Rather than wear a prosthetic nose he asked the surgeon to enlarge his existing nose. Trouble is he is also an actor and his new nose is just too big. At which point John nearly falls out of the office window as the offending article is pointed in his direction.

At the courthouse Larry is in court representing Sting. The claim against him is that "Mr Sting" broke up the claimant’s marriage by singing directly to her at a concert. She became enraptured with "Mr Sting" which threatens her marriage. Judge Walsh thinks its ridiculous but orders discovery by depositions.

To the strains of Sting’s latest US release (cynical, but then why else do the show?) we see Ally cogitating at home. Renee snaps her out of it telling her she is going to be late for work (isn’t she already?). Renee tells her she cannot "miserate". She is not a pathetic lonely desperate woman on the verge of spinsterhood, like last year. She has a man this year. Renee asks her if there is something wrong, to which Ally tells her there must be, but she doesn’t know what it is. Renee leaves and Ally hears music. Its an old dancing baby with a zimmer frame, who keels over and dies, before disappearing. Ally continues to reflect on Larry and marriage when the old baby returns with a cannon. She tells him to leave, but he shoots - at which point Ally wakes from a dream on her couch.

Back at C&F again the nose case has got to depositions. They compare computer images of what he asked for with what he has got, again causing John some problems. They argue the toss and John asks why they just cannot redo it, but apparently the cartilage is now " a little compromised". "This is about something else altogether, isn’t Harold?" says the plastic surgeon. Harold says no, but then leaves.

In the bar Elaine is practising her song for Ally’s party. Jackson is there but has nothing to do so leaves Elaine to it.

Its time for the Sting depositions. Husband Louis Foy says that Sting was singing directly to his wife, Melissa, who is also there even though she is not a party to the proceedings. Louis says that Sting sang "We’ll be together" looking straight at Melissa and then he wooed her. Lewis agrees to demonstrate using a tape deck that he has brought for that very purpose. Lewis does a poor Sting impression.

Meanwhile Nelle has followed Harold into her office telling him that she cannot get any admission of liability from the surgeon and then asks him what she doesn’t know. Harold tells her that he broke up with his boyfriend after the surgery. His boyfriend regarded the surgery as the final straw - altering his looks for the sake of the act. Nelle suggests he is blaming his break-up on the nose and therefore the surgeon. Harold says that is not the case.

At Ally’s flat she is still deep in thought when Richard enters, using a copy key made by Jackson. Richard says he has come to distract her from her thoughts by telling her that he wants Ling back. Ally tells him to make her jealous by shopping, so that she thinks he has a new woman who is dressing him. Richard is grateful for the swift solution and asks if she wants to talk about her problem, but she declines, much to his relief. But then she tells him anyway. She is troubled by the fact that life is NOW. She still feels alone while happy with someone else.

In the unisex Elaine and Jackson are talking about the song. Elaine tells him that she is happy to perform alone, and then tells Jackson that he is known as "the man in the mirror" for his own vanity. Who better to steal the limelight from Ally on her birthday than the pair of them together. Jackson says that if he is to sing with Elaine then it won’t be some old Elvis number. He is smooth. She agrees.

Melissa is now being deposed. She says a woman knows when she is being spoken to and that Sting was talking to her. She says that she separated from her husband because he refused to accept that Sting loved her that night. She needed to believe in it. She realised a dream. She asks Sting if it was just an illusion. He doesn't answer.

In Ally’s bathroom she is trying to confront her fears, but the geriatric baby keeps appearing. She tries to grab him but slides into Renee’s feet instead. She explains the situation and tells Renee she is fine.

Richard and Mark are out shopping at the mall when Richard spots Cindy Margolis, an internet porn star, who Richard idolises over (amongst other messier things) doing a swimsuit fashion shoot. Richard says that he has to meet her.

At C&F Harold is contemplating an offer of $40,000 just to avoid litigation. John is hiding behind a laptop screen to avoid further embarrassment. He emerges to advise Harold to settle. Nelle asks John to excuse them and in a motion of rare emotion suggests he takes the $40,000, the new nose and does what he loves doing - performing.

In the bar that evening Jackson and Elaine are singing a duet, which sounds like it ought to have been in the film Bugsy Malone. Ally asks Ling if Jackson's performance makes her jealous, but Ling says no, not with Elaine. Renee inadvertently admits to sleeping with Jackson, and tries unconvincingly to cover her tracks. Meanwhile Elaine starts to work up a sweat. Nelle and John are having a celebratory drink with Harold, and Nelle suggests he does a turn. Meanwhile Elaine gets wetter. Ling is unimpressed.

Ally has retired to her office when Richard walks in and wants to know why she is not at her party. "Seems to be the year for skipping my party" she replies, referring to the absent Larry. She tells Richard that she thinks he is going to leave. Richard says she is making too much of it, but Ally remains convinced Larry is going to go.

Despite having Cindy Margolis waiting, Richard goes to see Larry who is about to deal with Sting’s deposition. Larry reads him the riot act about his failure to be with Ally on her birthday and then leaves.

Back at the bar Renee is singing. Ling gives Jackson a hard time for sleeping with Renee and for not re-sleeping with her, even though she won’t let him (aah women….). Jackson despairs and then Richard enters with Cindy Margolis. Ling looks on miffed.

Sting is deposed by the "not coooommfortable lawyer". He asks him if he wanted to be with Melissa that evening as he sang to her. Sting hesitates and answers "Yes". Larry is dumbstruck as Sting tells Melissa that he imagined himself running away with her and making love to her. She is naturally rather moved. Larry picks Sting up and takes him outside. Corretta explains that Sting is just being noble and Sting asks them to settle for $50,000/$60,000. Larry agrees mumbling about sacrificing his own love life to deal with the case. Corretta explains to Sting about Ally’s birthday. Lewis and Melissa are happy again, but Corretta suggests they go to a movie to celebrate their anniversary, rather than go and see Bruce Springsteen.

In the bar Harold does his Barbra Streisand impression. When he’s done Ally suggests she is about to leave, but they make her stay. Ling comments on Richard being with Cindy Margolis, whom he used to download from the internet when she wouldn’t put out. Ally again makes to leave when the lights dim. Larry starts to sing "Every Breath You Take". Ally watches him intently, and then Sting appears and takes over. Then they sing together as the crowd go nuts. Larry dances with Ally as Sting sings and then they finish together. Ally watches, not quite sure.

Ally and Larry walk home together and Ally says he has halfway made up for missing her birthday. Larry tells her he loves her and they kiss passionately as Vanda sings. Then they make love (not in the street, back at Ally’s place). Afterwards Larry sleeps (after all he is a man) face down (was that him in the bed or a body double thrown in after they had to change the storyline??) as Ally wonders how it is all going to pan out.

In Search of Barry White (28/11/01)

Its late and Jackson is in the unisex having a wash. Ling enters and stares at him, seeing him in slow motion. She leaves (without using the loo) and tells Ally that she thinks she is having her mental problem. Ally asks which one, but as she goes to answer Jackson appears from the unisex once again in slow motion to Ling. The others see him in normal speed. Richard emerges from the lift and Ling sees him in fast forward mode. Ally explains that Ling is in love.

In John’s office he sees a client, Mr Stoller, who tells John that he wants to have a child via his dead wife. Technically he would like to clone her. There’s a silence, but then Mr Stoller confirms that he has some of his ex-wife’s tissue cells, hair, and blood. John makes uncomfortable noises. Stoller’s sister-in-law is seeking an injunction to prevent him carrying out the procedure. John is not keen until he hears that Larry Paul is on the other side.

Ling, in an inappropriate silk number, breezes into Nelle’s office where she is chatting to her online date (online of course). Ling asks her what about "it", and explains to Nelle that a woman doesn’t have true control over a man until she has her hand on his "dumbstick". (I’m not com…fortable with that remark) Nelle fights back by asking her about the slow moving Jackson. Ling leaves.

She walks through the reception area and sees double speed Richard and slow mo Jackson. She races off. John calls Ally into his office and tells her that he has Larry opposing him on his new case. He asks if there are "any buttons to push", but Ally says she has a conflict of interest. John asks for just one thing as his case "falls deeply short on merit". Ally tells him that with Larry it is all about rhythm.

In Richard’s office he is watching a Cindy Margolis video. Ling swaggers in throws away his remote control and puts her leg (with the strangest stockings you can possibly imagine) in front of his face. She demands he plays with her knee, but Richard refuses. She makes to leave when Richard suggests they are truthful with one another, but Richard points out that she has been shaving her legs in the morning before going to work and not at night before bed - a sure sign that their relationship is over.

In court Larry is addressing the judge, but John keeps interrupting and objecting - sexual innuendo, vulgarity, and mockery - all very valid objections. As Larry tries to say that it is not a choice that Mr Stoller can make John mutters "it is too". Larry apologises as he had prepared for lots of case law, but is totally unprepared for "it is too". John objects. The judge sets the hearing for the next morning.

That evening at Ally’s flat she and Renee are chatting about Ling and Renee. Renee says Ling is welcome to him, but is not convincing. Larry comes in and tells Ally that he was up against John Cage, and that he was a little odd. Ally smiles and walks away, and eventually admits that she told John to break Larry’s rhythm. The two argue and Larry suggests she is not the best person to give such advice as she has never beaten him herself, and could not do so. Ally asks if he is serious and Larry says "Never…no. Just…not…ever". Ally tells him that not only will she beat him, but that John will beat him with her help on this case. They bet another two hour foot rub.

In the office the next morning John is aghast that Ally has told Larry that she gave him some tips. He complains that he will have lost his edge, but when Ally tells him that Larry said he could never beat him, John rises to the bait, pike-like.

Nelle and Ling are discussing online dating, which Ling says appeals to her, but Nelle tells he she won’t get her hooked up online, because she is involved. Ling denies it. The lift opens and Larry exits walking in slow motion. Ling looks on bemused and then Larry, at normal speed, asks how he was. Ling is not amused.

John and Ally appear from John’s office and Larry suggests that he has just stopped by to pick up John. John suggests he is there to fiddle with his psychy, so Larry leaves.

Ling knocks on Jackson’s door and casually asks him if he feels like having lunch with her. He says he’d love to, but not today. He consults his diary and suggests next week sometime. Ling is not impressed, and stomps off.

In court Mr Stoller is on the stand. He says that he and his wife always talked about having children and cloning is his only option. Larry says that he is in fact replicating his ex-wife, who was against genetic modification of anything herself. John objects - "Not everything is like chicken Counsel".

In a recess John discusses the case with Ally who is upset that he is losing. John tells her he is not losing, but that he thinks that Larry has his number on this one. Ally tells him this has never happened before and that he has to go back to basics and find out what makes him great. John tells her he knows what made him great - HIM - Barry White, but that Melanie has scared him off. Ally tells him that he has to find him, whatever it takes.

John goes to the unisex to try and find Barry. He looks in the mirror and tries, but to no avail. Mark, who overheard the problem, enters but John asks him to leave. He tries again, but its no good.

In court John is examining the cloning specialist, who finds the whole procedure fascinating. Larry objects spuriously when he can. The expert admits that its a long shot, but that it is possible.

Jackson enters the unisex where Mark and Ling are preening themselves. Jackson says hi to them both, but Ling tells him to drop dead, and suggests that if he has anything to say that he should get his assistant to call hers, and that she doesn’t even see him in slow motion any more. Mark looks on awkwardly and then leaves. Jackson asks what is up, but she says she will fill him in over lunch sometime. Jackson checks the stalls and Richard emerges from one hitting Jackson on the head, and then goes to leave, but Ling grabs him and kisses him and points out that she has stubble on her legs. "Excellent" says Richard and leaves. Jackson wants to know what’s going on. Ling says she threw herself at him and he just blew her off. Asking him to lunch was apparently her throwing herself at him. She flounces out.

In his office John is still trying to find Barry. He tells his reflection that together they can beat Larry. He hears the intro to "My Everything" and starts to flap around his office like a pheasant on heat, but then spots Richard. The music stops. "He was here. Barry White came", explains John, to an obvious response from Richard. John says he has a concentration problem and cannot get Barry when others are present. "John lots of people have trouble dancing with make-believe disco Behemoths when others are present" Richard points out helpfully. Richard tells him to get him when he is alone and then step out with him.

Mr Stoller’s sister-in-law is on the stand with Larry examining. She starts on a tirade about cloning being wrong, when John hits a buzzer. He explains to the court that he has lost his voice and will therefore buzz his objections. She explains that Mrs Stoller would have been against the whole process (obviously no hearsay rules in the US).

Back at C&F Elaine wants to use Ally’s office for her first online date. She says she wants privacy. Ally reluctantly agrees. John emerges from the lift and Ally rushes over to find out what is happening in the trial. John says it will all come down to closings which are at 3pm, and that he is going in search of Barry White again and that he will have him by then. Larry then arrives saying that he couldn’t face walking all the way back to his office as his feet were aching. Ally says he needs a foot rub, but can’t help him. She returns to her office to find Elaine sprawled naked on her desk chatting on the internet "One thing lead to another," she explains.

In the unisex Ling is washing her hands when Jackson enters. She is hostile, but Jackson tries to explain that he didn’t mean to blow her off. As he talks to her he checks the stalls and again Richard appears hitting him with the door as he leaves. Ling explains that she is angry with him for lying to her and sleeping with him on their first date. Jackson suggests that they start again. Ling mellows, but still leaves. Larry enters and he and Jackson exchange unpleasantries as usual, but then they hear Barry White. John exits from one of the stalls and pushes them aside. He is dancing. Larry and Jackson admire him and join in - must have been fun to film….Ally enters and watches happily.

In court John closes. He admits cloning sounds horrifying, but that you need not be afraid of it. This is not an atrocity, but allows the couple to fulfil their wishes and dreams. Larry suggests that the question cannot be "Who wants the DNA?". John says it can, at length. Larry says that it is wrong to clone a human being. That this crosses the line. The judge decides that he cannot stop the new technology, but cloning a human being is wrong and he therefore grants the injunction. John apologises to his client. "I don’t want a rematch", says Larry and shakes John’s hand.

To the strains of Vanda’s version of "Only You", Jackson meets Ling for the "first time". They dance. Larry enjoys his foot rub for the second week running. Outside the bar (did you know its called the Martini Bar?) Richard and John decide not to go in. Richard explains that he is actually slightly jealous of John’s Barry White thing. John invites him to walk with him and Barry, so they do.

The Obstacle Course (21/11/01)

Its the middle of the night at Ally & Renee’s flat. Larry comes to the fridge for a drink and then Jackson appears for the same purpose, wearing nothing but his boxers. They exchange unpleasant pleasantries and then Larry pretends to tighten his chest muscles telling Jackson that he likes to work on his posture. Jackson asks if he is making fun of him, but Larry assures him he is not. He suggests he admires Jackson’s posture and that he wants to learn to walk like him - he swaggers up and down as if he has a pole up his rear. Ally appears and asks what is going on. Jackson suggests that Larry is trying to look like him, but Larry denies this. Ally is about to tell them to cut out the nonsense when she spots Jackson’s physique and slips into wet fantasy mode. Larry clocks her look and drags her back to bed.

At the breakfast meeting Richard mentions Moore v McGrath which is a trial starting today. He gives it to Ally, but she is not happy. Its a woman who is suing a man she met on the internet for fraud. Jackson has a client called Michael Puttnick who is being sued for emotional distress. Jackson asks for back-up and gets Ling. Elaine comes in and tells John that Cassandra Lewis is here for him (Cassandra from LA for the short of memory amongst you).

John leaves the meeting and goes into his office to meet Cassandra. She explains that she just came to see him, but he seems unsure. She says she is there to pursue him, and that she thought she’d at least get lunch. So he reluctantly invites her to lunch.

At court Larry bumps into Ally. His client is suing for a bad date. Ally tells him that she is representing the defendant. Ally tells Larry that he’ll never win and they take on a bet of a two hour foot rub for the winner. Ally tells him that he cannot sue someone for fraud just because you don’t like how he looks. At that point her client appears - Douglas McGrath - but he’s only 3 foot tall.

In conference Ling and Jackson are with their client listening to "the not com….fortable" attorney’s client who tells them that she was horrified when Mr Puttnick stood up and objected at her wedding. She says it ruined the ceremony. "I am damaged", she screams. Ling meanwhile applies her make-up.

John seeks Richard’s advice on Cassandra. He is worried about her pursuing him, which upsets him. Cassandra enters and John screams. She says she shouldn’t have come, but John kicks Richard out and then tries to explain that he is drawn to her, but that he feels there should be some period of mourning after his break-up with Melanie. She reminds him that life is short. He agrees to take her to lunch.

Miss Moore is on the stand explaining her online relationship with Mr McGrath to Larry. She says appearances weren’t important, but she had no idea he was a little person. He didn’t tell her. As a result she suffered physically and emotionally as she had been in love with him. Ally crosses and Miss Moore confirms that she loved everything about him, but just couldn’t cope when she found out that he was little.

In a recess Ally advises Mr McG that they are willing to drop the case for $10,000. She advises settlement but he says no. He refuses to admit that he is a freak and says that whatever happens he plans to walk out of the court with his head held high.

In the settlement meeting Michael Puttnick explains why he objected. He hadn’t planned it. But he knew that he loved her and she loved him. The couple argue. Michael says that you only get one chance at love and that she is "the one" for him. Ling and Jackson exchange meaningful looks.

John and Cassandra are at lunch. She explains that she keeps thinking about him. John says that the 3,000 mile distance would be a problem, but Cassandra doesn’t think so.

Douglas McGrath is on the stand and he explains that he did not tell her about his height as she claimed appearance wasn’t important. Then he decided to get to know her before she found out. He planned to tell her, but he was afraid that she wouldn’t come. He hoped that if she spent time with him that she could get over the problem. Larry crosses. Douglas admits that he was afraid that she wouldn’t fall in love with him if she had known his full size.

That evening Ally tells Larry off for beating up her client. He says he wasn’t tough on him and that she is just angry. She denies she is angry and says she just can’t believe that he thinks his client’s case has any merit. She asks if he would love her if she was 3 feet tall. He counters by asking if they would actually be standing here if he had been 3 feet tall. Ally tells him that she is not big on looks. Larry asks if someone who is not big on looks would mark "903 more days to my first face lift". Ally is not impressed and even less so when Larry goes down on his knees. She tells him that she will not sleep with him tonight.

Ally and Douglas emerge from the C&F lift. Ling points out the midget to Nelle. Ally tells her that her grandfather once told her that you could measure the dignity in a person by their ability to see the dignity in others. Ling says she doesn’t get it. Ally walks off. Nelle tells Ling that she is having an online relationship. Ling asks her if she is crazy as looks are everything (why did she ever go out with Richrard then?). Nelle says that she doesn’t like sex so it works out well. Jackson appears and tells Ling that he is going to try and settle their case and then asks to see her for a second. They go into Ling’s office and Jackson tells her that he is in love with her. He tells her that she is his one. Ling tells him that she doesn’t feel for him like she did the night they made love, but Jackson says he doesn’t believe her. She leaves.

Richard and John are in his hole in the wall discussing Cassandra. John tells him that he walked her back to her hotel after lunch. John cannot understand his attraction to women, but Richard explains that he is a rich powerful sensitive man, like him. John suggests that the age gap, the geography and Melanie are problems, but Richard shoots them all down with his pearls of Fish wisdom. He tells him that he should go for Cassandra, but that if he doesn’t want her he wants to have a shot. John tells him no. Richard says he’ll just ask her to dance and let it be her decision.

In court Ally and Larry close. Larry tells the jury that "you don’t get to defraud people just because you are short." Jackson meanwhile has settled his case and tells Ling. She acts off-hand. Jackson says he is confused, but refuses to apologise for what he told her earlier, and leaves. Nelle enters and asks if there is anything going on with Ling and Jackson. Ling says no, but admits she lost control when she went to bed with him. Nelle tells her that is no good reason not to pursue him.

In the bar Vanda is knocking out another tune. Renee tells Ally that she thinks Jackson has gone off her. Richard tries chatting up Cassandra and tells her that John said it was OK for him to "go for it". John appears and asks what he missed. Cassandra promptly decks him and leaves.

In Ally’s flat Renee tells her that she and Jackson have split as he still loves Ling. Ally asks Larry to beat up Jackson for her. Renee pretends she is not hurt, but tells Ally to stay out of it.

John comes to see Cassandra complete with black eye. He tells her that he did not give Richard a green light to go after her. She tells him to leave. John tells her he is attracted to her and Cassandra tells him that she never came for any great relationship. She asks him to help her take her luggage to her car.

Meanwhile Ling is storming round the office. She bumps into Richard in the unisex. She asks if he misses her and he admits he does. She asks if Jackson bothers him and he says a little, but that they are "emotional guppies. Eventually we will always reunite in the shallow end of the pool", and leaves.

In court the jury find in favour of Miss Moore and order damages of $70,000. Ally apologises and tells Douglas that he will find somebody. He thanks Ally and walks out with his head held high like he said he would.

John tells Cassandra that he is glad she came, but he is confounded. He tells her that he is not ready. She says that’s OK and they kiss. She then leaves and Vanda warbles "Goodbye to Love". Ling watches Jackson. Larry enjoys his footrub. Renee watches them alone again. Nelle is on the internet. Douglas walks the streets head still high, and Cassandra stares into space as John wanders.

The Pursuit of Unhappiness (14/11/01)

Ally and Larry are walking home when they see Elaine getting out of a cab, but she is not with Mark. They try to think the best of her, but she kisses the man passionately and then drags him indoors.

Next day at the office breakfast meeting Richard welcomes himself and John back. Nelle asks if they found what they were looking for and a slouching John responds with "Yes. People with warmth. It was a culture shock you snippy-arsed popsicle". Ally reprimands him but he says that she started it by calling him an imbecile. Ally points out that she didn’t actually say that, but John says she implied it and that as Senior Partner he does not have to take it. Richard moves on to allocate Gilbert Green to Jackson for a Will as he is getting married and advises a pre-nuptial agreement as he is "rich, fat and bald". Next is Ling’s case of Thompson v Thompson Shipping. The son is trying to get the father who runs the business declared incompetent on the basis that he is happy. This sets John off again who says that "Being happy makes one incompetent now. That is bloody rich." The others just turn and stare at him.

After the meeting Ally tracks down Elaine and takes her into her office. Ally asks how she and Mark are doing. Elaine says they are fine and still seeing each other. Ally tells Elaine what she saw the night before. Elaine asks if she owes Ally an explanation of her personal life, and Ally admits she doesn’t, but she really wants to know, so Elaine tells her - that she slipped. He was an old flame from a dating agency. They had dinner and then he kissed her goodnight at her door and then she slipped. Ally asks if she made love to him and Elaine says "a little".

John meanwhile apologises to Nelle for his outburst. He tells her that he thinks that he is just missing Melanie. Nelle says she understands and offers to help, but then adds sarcastically "Poop" (can you say "Poop" sarcastically?) and walks off.

Jackson is discussing the legal situation with Gilbert Green and his bride-to-be. He asks Gilbert if there is anything specific he requires in the Will, but he has no special requests. Jackson palms bride-to-be Julie off on Ally and takes Gilbert to his office for a chat about the pre-nup.

In court Thompson Junior is on the stand. He explains that his father built the company through hard work and his toughness, but that one day he was struck in the head at the dock and that it changed him. He became nice. He is happy all the time. He has lost his business edge. As a result the company is struggling and may fold. Apparently he could be cured by a simple operation, but he doesn’t want it. Ling cross-examines him and establishes that he can look after himself and even is his wife, who is ill. Bottom line say the claimants is that he is just too happy to be a good CEO.

Back at C&F Jackson is trying to convince Gilbert Green that he really ought to have a pre-nup. He is not keen, but Jackson sweet-talks him into it. Meanwhile Ally is finishing with Julie. Elaine approaches her and asks her if she would mind if she puts a large bouquet of flowers she is holding in her office as "they need the light". Mark passes by and comments on the flowers, which Elaine says were sent by Larry, at which point he too arrives on the scene, rather bemused, having not sent them.

Jackson and Gilbert reappear and Jackson explains to Julie that he has been convincing Gilbert that he and Julie should have a pre-nup. Julie is not fussed, but Ally is hesitant and points out that as there are two separate parties that Julie should be separately advised. She pulls in Larry who is standing in the background. Jackson is not a happy bunny. Gilbert and Julie leave and Ally explains that she was just trying to ensure that everything was done properly.

Jackson explains the Gilbert situation to Richard, who challenges Ally. "What’s all this about ethics? Ethics have no place in a law firm". Ally meanwhile confronts Elaine and suggests she comes in and waters the flowers that Ally got from Larry. Elaine explains that she called her lover and told him that she couldn’t see him again. Unfortunately Mark appears again at this point and asks "See who? The man you had dinner with last night" Elaine denies it, saying she was with Ally. They both slope off with pretend stomach cramps.

In court Thompson Senior is explaining his view point to Ling. He says there is more to running a business than making money. Perhaps in time the business will make money as the employees are so happy. Junior’s counsel asks him "Your business is failing. You have lost almost a millionaire dollars. Your son is turning on you. And your wife has cancer. But life is grand?" He confirms it is.

Larry and Jackson are discussing the proposed pre-nup in good lawyerly fashion. Larry says that she gets nothing out of it and advises Jackson that she won’t sign it and pushes it back to Jackson. He pushes it back asking if she has a problem with it. "She will when her lawyer tells her too", he replies as he pushes it back. "Larry", says Jackson, "Jackson" says Larry. The two are uncomfortable with each other.

In Ally’s office Ally asks Elaine how she could have put her in that position. Elaine explains that she is a bad liar, but that if Ally says they were together that would be an end to it. Ally says she just can’t lie. Elaine tells Ally that in that case she is going to tell Mark the truth, but Ally stops her and tells her that she has to lie. If that’s OK then why can’t Ally lie for her? reasons Elaine.

In court Mrs Thompson is giving evidence. She loves her husband the way he is. Mr Thompson stands and asks if he can approach the bench. The judge asks why and he says that he’d like to kiss his wife. The judge denies his request, so he simply blows her a kiss. On cross examination she refuses to admit that he is not the man she married. He is just kinder.

That evening Jackson calls to collect Renee. She shows him into the flat where Ally and Larry are preparing supper. Jackson and Larry exchange pleasantries, well in fact just names, but with an edge. Ally asks what she is missing and Larry explains that Jackson wanted him to commit malpractice by getting his client to sign a ludicrous pre-nup. Jackson responds that what is ludicrous is that his client even cares. Marriage is about love, not money. Ally butts in and suggests that Jackson was a little dicey suggesting that Julie just sign the agreement. Jackson’s hackles are raised and tells Ally he has no time for her issues, including kissing him, getting into bed with him and touching his "privates". Ally explains that she thought it was the remote. Jackson and Renee leave and Larry says "so you kissed him, got into bed with him and grabbed his remote" before taking a whack at some lettuce with his kitchen knife.

Ling is in conference with Mr T Senior and Mrs T. She warns that they may lose and they should try and settle. She says she will set up a meeting for the next morning. As they leave Mr T politely asks Mrs T to dinner and she graciously accepts.

In the unisex Gilbert Green is blowing his nose and wiping his eyes. John emerges from one of the stalls. "I’m a big fat fool" says Gilbert. "And I’m bald". John is non-committal and Gilbert goes on to say that he sees John is not especially attractive. John thinks for a minute and then thinks that Nelle has put Gilbert up to this and tries to put him down. Gilbert carries on regardless telling John that his mother said that no-one would love him if he stayed fat. So he became rich and women do want him but only for his money. John can’t give him much comfort.

Next morning Richard stalks Jackson as he exits the lift and tells him that Gilbert is getting a little worried. Jackson tells him that they have another meeting today. Elaine tells Ally that she started to tell Mark the truth, but stopped. Ling and Nelle discuss the terrible prospect of going through life happy.

The Thompsons and their lawyers are in conference, but they still cannot settle. He stays as CEO, but has no control, is the offer. His son gives him some projections of where the company will be if they don’t do something. But Thompson Senior refuses to accept the premise on which they are based. He argues that they do not take account of the "happy worker factor". Just then his son takes a call on his mobile. He sits down quietly and hangs up. He tells his Dad that "Mum passed away". For the first time Thompson Senior frowns.

In the unisex Richard is straightening his tie when Thompson Senior comes into the room. He explains to Richard that he is losing his case and his wife has died, but still he smiles. He tells him that he lived for her, and now she is dead.

Mark approaches Ally and Elaine and asks if Ally has a second. Elaine says she that Ally is free and Mark whisks her off to talk with her. He says that he has got an odd feeling and Ally tries to leave it at that, but Mark persists in trying to share it with her. He explains that he doesn’t believe Elaine was with her two nights ago. Ally avoids answering the question, but then eventually says that she and Elaine were having dinner together with a college friend. Elaine is listening at the door and bursts in to say that it is a lie. She explains what happened and apologises. Mark walks away without a word.

Gilbert, Julie, Jackson and Larry are in conference. Larry and Jackson end up squaring up against each other, ignoring their respective clients. Larry proposes a one year pre-nup, but Jackson turns it down flat. Gilbert leaves hurt that Julie is making money an issue.

Elaine goes in to see Richard. Mark has gone for a walk. Elaine says that Richard has cheated a lot in his life and she’d like to know what she can do to make amends. Richard shares his wisdom and logically concludes that she only slept with this other man to make Mark jealous and cement her bond with him. Also in Richard’s warped mind it somehow shows that she wants to have Mark’s child. Elaine says she doesn’t think he’ll go for that. "I’ve given you my wisdom Elaine. What you choose to do with it is your decision…." says Richard.

Ling and Nelle are waiting outside Ling’s office where Thompson Senior has been sitting for an hour. Eventually Ling goes in. He asks Ling for a continuance on the suit as he is going in for surgery at 4 o’clock to remedy his problem. He explains that he loved his wife more than anything in the world but he cannot cry. He needs to grieve. He admits he was unhappy before, but he’s willing to go back to that so that he can cry for his wife.

That afternoon Mr T is in hospital waiting for his op. Ling is there with him and he thanks her for her concern. He sings as they take him off to the Operating Theatre.

At the office Elaine goes in to see Mark. She tries to explain her infidelity, by saying that their relationship is not that stable. She suggests they are just biding time with each other. He says nothing, but she suggests that they should just quit. She turns and leaves.

In the unisex Gilbert tells John that the wedding is off as Julie is a gold-digger. Julie emerges from one of the stalls. John tries to mediate but then Jackson appears. John tells him that he and Larry are the problem. Elaine enters and asks them all to go and talk about love elsewhere, or she’ll be sick. John tells Gilbert and Julie that they shouldn’t let lawyers come between them. They are in the business of divorce. Gilbert and Julie both admit they love each other, as Elaine vomits in the background (sound only fortunately). They hug.

In the hospital Thompson Junior discusses the situation with Ling. He tells her that his Dad is now hit by what has happened to his Mum. Ling goes in to see him. He is grumpy and tells her that he doesn’t really want any visitors. A nurse comes in and asks him if he wants to get up, but he declines rudely. Ling leaves him and he sits looking at a picture of his wife.

That has to be a cue for Vanda to sing ("Somewhere out there" as it happens). In the bar Jackson and Renee dance, as do Gilbert and Julie. Larry comes in and asks Ally to dance telling her that he has just bought a sofa, which they could sit on and watch tv and she could play with the remote. Ling and Nelle sit at the bar and watch. Its Elaine’s turn to walk the streets this week. Mr T Senior walks with his zimmer and cries.

The Getaway (07/11/01)

John is working in his office, when Richard comes in. John is not happy to see him. Richard tells him that he and Ling are estranged. John mellows. Richard says that she is tempted by Jackson, and that he can only hope that she looks at both of them and realises Richard has more money. Richard produces two plane tickets to LA for them both to have a vacation. John is underwhelmed.

At the breakfast meeting next morning Richard informs the crew that he and John are going on vacation to LA. John arrives resplendent in tasteless shirt and trousers and looking every inch the tourist. Richard announces that Ally will be the Senior Partner pro tem. Ally is flabbergasted, Nelle and Ling peeved.

At the airport they are late as John has been getting suntan cream with a Sun Factor of 100. They push to the front of the check-in carrying a baby carrier complete with apparently screaming baby. On the plane Richard shoves the baby carrier into the overhead locker. It starts to cry and John turns it off with his remote. As the plane taxis to the runway a rather large gentleman takes the window seat next to Richard. He is a nervous flyer. The stewardess is about to make an announcement when Richard springs to his feet and orders Bloody Marys for all the passengers in First Class. He then starts on a diatribe about plane crashes, cost cutting airlines and young pilots, but tells the passengers not to worry as he and John are lawyers and can make Wills for any that need them. The big man squirms anxiously and then farts. The stewardess tells Richard that she is getting the captain.

The plane takes off and then we see Ally in the office on the phone to John. The captain has apparently ordered Richard not to speak for the entire flight. Mark confirms that the captain has authority to do that. On the plane Richard is whispering loudly to John, and the big man continues to fart. "Fifteen hundred bucks to sit in the horn section," says Richard. John tries to call Ally again, but the plane hits some turbulence and the big man lets out another even bigger emission. That’s it for Richard and he pulls down the overhead oxygen mask. The stewardess tells him he cannot do that but he tells her to go away. She warns him that she will get the pilot, but he says "What are you going to do?"

Trouble is that as the plane lands Richard is bundled unceremoniously into a police car. John goes with him. Richard is hauled up before the judge for obstruction of justice and assault charges. The tourist-clad John defends him and applies for the charges to be dismissed with a fluent if rather wordy address. The judge puts it into a nutshell by asking prosecuting counsel if they are here because Richard talked about plane crashes and pulled down an oxygen mask. Counsel admits that is about the crux of it. The judge decides to dismiss the case and as Richard rises to make a brief statement John pushes him back into his seat.

Richard and John cruise LA standing through the sunroof of their limo. At the hotel Richard suggests they should get themselves some action. John enters wearing hideous matching sun shirt and bermuda shorts, complete with vest, sun visor and white socks. He is not sure that it is right for them to be trying to meet women. Richard suggests that that is why God created women, to relieve men’s hardship (literally). "We’re in LA" says John doubtfully, but then stronger and then with a waggle of the hips. "Play that Funky Music" chimes in, as they make their way to the pool. As they walk round a blonde nymphet walks out of the pool in slowmo (clever trick that). The boys are smitten.

She takes to a lounger and the boys saunter round to sit next to her, Richard making sure that he is the closest. Richard tells her he couldn’t get any lotion on his back and accepts of course, when she offers to apply it. Richard introduces himself to Jane. He spins her a line about her being an actress (which she is) and offers to show her his suite. To his surprise she readily agrees and they leave together. John tries putting some lotion on his legs and splats it everywhere. He introduces himself to a redheaded woman sitting behind him, but she just cries.

Up in Richard’s room Jane has developed a sarong (large bum syndrome?) and Richard dances the hussle. They start to hussle together when the door bursts open. Its the police. Richard is arrested for solicitation as Ally finds out on the phone back at C&F. Richard has called her to track down John for him.

John is in conversation with his redhead, Cassandra. She tells him that under a pre-nuptial agreement, because she had an affair, she has forfeited all alimony or community property except for $100,000. John is intrigued. She says that she is not that hung up about the money, but that she is faced with losing her art studio. Plus her affair was set up by her husband so that she would lose out under the prenup - all the lawyers at home immediately nod wisely and mutter "clean hands" (see later). They are interrupted as John is advised that Richard needs him to call him on his cellphone.

In a prison cell John questions Richard about what has happened. Transpires Jane was a callgirl. The arraignment is tomorrow and John says he will deal with it. He goes to talk to Jane, who explains that she thought he was her date. She tells him that she is not a prostitute, but that she works for an escort service. John agrees to represent her if she’ll rat on her pimp, but it turns out her pimp is actually her agent. John still agrees to represent her on the basis that she will say there was no agreement for sex and no exchange of money (Isn’t that what any callgirl would say?).

That evening John is having a drink with Cassandra. John says he thinks he can beat the charges for both Richard and Jane. John suggests that he may be able to challenge her pre-nup for her on the basis of civil entrapment. "I’d be happy to take a whack at you" he says in error. "Are you a good lover..perkip…lawyer?" she responds quickly. He smiles at her. He tells her he is very good and she agrees for him to take a "whack at ……it". His nose whistles.

In court John represents Richard and Jane. She was not working for an illegal enterprise. There is no evidence of any deal. John reels off a list of unanswered questions and the judge dismisses the charges against them both. Jane apologises to Richard and thanks John and then offers them a bit of LA culture.

They are all on rollerblades on the prom (probably not what they call in in the US), and then wall climbing and then on the dodgems. As they sit and have a drink Jane tells Richard that she thought he was funny, but that she was not about to sleep with him. John tells her she needs to leave her agent and they hatch a plan to get her out of her exclusive contract. She agrees to dance with Richard again.

John and Cassandra are in a settlement conference with her ex and her lawyer. Her lawyer pompously points out that she is bound by the agreement, and gives John a lecture on baseless prosecutions and, at length, tells him that he has walked into a den of conscience, and that he is a man of principle. He ends with "shame". John slowly pours himself a glass of water, and then responds quickly and at length, indicating that Cassandra’s husband has broken the couples trust through his own infidelity and by employing someone to seduce his wife. "That is unclean hands [aha!! shout the lawyers in the audience]" says John. "One with unclean hands cannot take advantage of a situation rendered by those hands". John says he will break the agreement and he will get Cassandra’s husband, because its in his baseless little character.

Anastasia sings in an LA bar, where Richard and Jane dance. They decide to hussle on the dancefloor and soon the whole bar are following them - Richard is NOT a natural.

Cassandra and John are sitting on his balcony having a drink. Cassandra explains that she should not have had an affair, but that he was a kind and gentle man. John admits he loved Melanie, and Cassandra says she thanks her for driving him to LA and to her. She asks John to dance with her. They dance.

Richard is learning to scuba dive with Jane in the hotel pool. John sits on the bottom, cross-legged, thinking. At the reconvened settlement meeting Cassandra comments on his cold blue lips. She warms them up with a kiss. Cassandra’s ex’s lawyer comes in and offers her $3 million. John agrees to discuss it with his client. She is shocked. John explains that she may be entitled to upwards of $7 million, but she’s happy with the $3 million. He tells her to get up and walk out in a rage, in an act, so that he can try and negotiate for more. John sits with his head in his hands as her ex’s lawyer returns.

At Jane’s agent’s office Richard talks Jane out of her agreement with him. Frankie agrees to let her go.

Back at the hotel Richard congratulates John on getting Cassandra $4.2 million. Jane comes by to say goodbye and thank you again. John excuses himself. Jane asks Richard to stay for one more day, but he says that he would be afraid to stay. In true Fish style he asks to take one more picture of her before he goes - naked. She tells him if he wants to see her naked he’ll have to stay a few more days. Richard declines gracefully. She walks him and John to their car. Cassandra comes into the lobby to say goodbye too. She gives John a painting from her studio called "Gentle Soul". She takes John to one side and thanks him, mainly for the hope. She kisses him goodbye. Richard and Jane hug. The two girls are left as the limo drives away. The boys sit long-faced in the car.

Falling Up (31/10/01)

Ally is on a plane to Detroit, sitting next to a nun, who spots that’s she’s very excited and comments that she must have a man there. When Ally tells her that she hasn’t seen him in 6 weeks, she says that she imagines he’ll be quite frisky. Ally is rather taken aback. She suggests he’ll be picking out his condom as they speak, or perhaps Ally is on the pill. She continues in this vein without allowing Ally to get a word in edgeways. Ally excuses herself to go to the loo, but the nun suggests she is going to put her diaphragm in. She warns her it will ride up during the 3 hour flight. Ally walks down the plane and opens the wrong door and flies out of the plane…..she wakes with a start in her own bed. She gets out of bed and goes to climb into Renee’s bed. She snuggles up….. but its next to Jackson Duper. They both wake, scream and jump out of bed (Jackson naked), as Renee returns to the room and also screams. Ally tries to explain, but then can’t help noticing Jackson’s (presumably sizeable) manhood. Renee throws her out of the room.

Next morning Renee is contrite about having slept with Jackson on her first date. She says that he was leaving when they kissed and then her hand "kinda slid down a little". Then his slid down and then they started grabbing….Ally asks where he is now, but Renee says that he has already left as he had an early morning. They agree its a bad sign. Renee admits she likes the guy and is concerned that she has blown it (not literally you understand).

At the breakfast meeting Richard mentions Bennett v Clapp. Its another annulment case which John is handling. Mr B married Miss C and they wanted children, but after the marriage she changed her mind. Nelle rants about the "joys" of raising children and Mark asks why they don’t just divorce. John explains that it would be a blemish, and against God. Richard asks if he is rich and John responds "Filthy. Annulment would be the right result". "It would be different if they had a child", says Richard, but Ally hears and sees Larry. She stands and hugs him, but its just an illusion. She thumps Richard and storms out. She tries to take the lift to go and get some fresh air, but falls down the liftshaft.

Next we see Ally with a new therapist. She is brusque with single word questions about Ally and Larry. She advises Ally to end the relationship with Larry. It is a dead end. That’s it. End the relationship she keeps telling Ally.

John’s client, Mr Bennett, is on the stand. He is giving evidence that even before the wedding he and his wife-to-be were discussing names for the 4 children they were going to have. Everything changed when she decided that she no longer wanted children.

Ally and Renee are waiting in their flat by their mobile phones for Larry and Jackson to call. Ally asks Renee if maybe the therapist was right, and that she should at least date other people. A bell rings and they both reach for their phones, but it is the front door bell. "He’s come back to surprise you", says Renee. Ally opens the door and sees Larry. She kisses him passionately, but it turns out to be Jackson. "You got issues", he tells Ally.

Jackson tells Renee that he is embarrassed about sleeping with her on their first date. They convince themselves that because they slept with each other that they must not want each other. Jackson is about to leave when Ally intervenes. She tells Jackson to kiss her like a gentleman and then leave. Then he must call her tomorrow and make dinner plans.

Mr Bennett is crossed-examined by the pipsqueak attorney, who continually uses the phrase "court of law". John finally objects. Mr Bennett admits that his wife may have changed her mind about having children after the ceremony. John returns to his office and is "troubled" - pacing the room. Melanie is there. He tells her the pipsqueak is an objectionable little man who makes good points. John tells Melanie that he cannot believe a woman would suddenly decide not to have children. "Isn’t that the essence of getting married?" he asks rhetorically. But Melanie disagrees. She tells John that she does not want to have children. John thinks she is joking, but then realises she isn’t. He is upset by this revelation.

Ally is walking along the street with her head down and bumps into Richard. He asks what is wrong and offers to talk things over with her. She takes him up on the offer and tells him that she feels lucky to have Larry, but that she has her weak days. Richard tells her about the therapist that he and John went to see, but she is not interested. Richard tells her that he is effective and hands her his card.

Jackson is in the unisex when Ling enters. She comments on his new tie and he tells her that he has a big date tonight. Ling is suddenly interested. She tells Jackson that Renee is a great woman.

In court the pipsqueak is examining his witness, Miss Clapp. She says that she changed her mind because the world is overpopulated, and that she just didn‘t feel equipped to raise them. She admits that she is selfish. John crosses and she admits that they planned to have children, but that she changed her mind after the wedding. She says that she didn’t dupe him. Melanie comes into the back of the court and "pipsqueaks" herself when John tells the witness that any woman who does not want to have children has no business being a mother. John and Melanie exchange glares and then "tick" together.

Ally is with John and Richard’s therapist. She tells him that she understands the falling out of the aeroplane and the liftshaft, but can’t work out the nun. She thinks maybe she is there to judge her. He tells her that she wants to marry Larry Paul and have his children. She asks why she fell out of the plane. He tells her that its because she knows it will never happen. He commends her on her insight.

John is closing in the annulment case. Melanie is still there and continues to tick at inconvenient moments. John suggests that children are central to marriage, but the pipsqueak suggests that marriage is about a commitment between two people and that his client sticks by that commitment.

Back at the office Ling and John are both stomping around in moods. John bumps into Melanie in his office (those poor children is she ever at school?). They argue over her interrupting him and their differing views on children. She fakes a Terrett’s outburst and he calls her a stutterhead. She mocks his "You..you..you…stutter…stutterhead" delivery. John suggests that childhood is magical and that her problem is because she did not have a happy childhood. She comes back by saying that he should look forward and not back. John responds by saying that he is looking forward, but to a future with a woman who does not believe in marriage and does not want to have children.."and it looks rather bleak". Maybe that is the end. Melanie leaves in a huff and John is left rotating on his chair.

In the bar "Since you been gone" is being sung. Richard explains to Ally that it is Motown Night.."as in Detroit, home of the Tigers, Lions, Larrys". Ally is unamused. Elaine tells the group that Renee and Jackson are coming on next and that people say if they are singing together they are sleeping together. Ling gives her the look. John joins the group and asks Ally if he can speak with her. They go outside and John asks her a personal question. "At some point you want to have children right?" Ally immediately thinks he is talking about her and Larry and gives the startled John a broadside about her situation. John tells her that he is talking about himself and Melanie. Ally tries to smooth the situation over between him and Melanie. She tells him that maybe she will come around. She tells him not to give up on her. John agrees to go and think. "By the way," he adds, "I never for a second thought he wouldn’t come back. A man knows what he has."

Ally returns to the bar where Renee and Jackson are singing a duet - "Till you come back". Elaine says they are "totally doing it". Ling tells her to shut up. Elaine sweats and tells Mark she wants to be hot like them. Ling looks on, stoney-faced. Even Richard thinks they must be biblical. Ling can’t take it any more and leaves.

That night Ally is in bed thinking. She gets up and opens the fridge that has Larry’s snowman in it. She gets up and goes into Renee’s room where Jackson is in bed with Renee. The tv is on. The remote is on the bed and as Ally reaches for it Jackson rolls over on to her hand. He wakes as she removes her hand from his crotch. Ally tries to explain. She admits she was watching them as it was nice.

Next day in court the jury decide not to annul the marriage. John apologises to Mr Bennett. Melanie is there again (!!) and she tells John that she didn’t sleep much last night. John asks her to go back to the office with him. In the Hole in the Wall they discuss their issues. John says she really understands children, and he doesn’t believe she doesn’t want them. He thinks she has just not found the right man yet. In typical fashion he says "This is about me…evidently." Melanie says that he may be the one, but even if he is she would walk away. She admits she was married before and walked away. Its what she does. She doesn’t believe in forever. She says that she will go one day. John quietly says that maybe it should be today. Melanie can’t respond. He holds her hand.

In the bar Elaine sings "What I did for love". Mark is on backing vocals (without singing). Ally wanders the streets and gets home to find the snowman in the middle of the lounge. "You stuck me in a freezer" it says in Larry’s voice. Larry is there in person. He tells her he is back and when she asks for how long, he tells her forever. He wants to move in with her. She says that she couldn’t take it if he left again, and he tells her he is not planning to. They kissssssssss….

Renee and Jackson dine, Ling broods, John strokes his forehead, Elaine and Mark dance raunchily, Ally and Larry kisssssssss, Melanie wanders in the street in the snow, as Vanda sings "For Once in my Life".

Boys Town (24/10/01)

Ling is working late (reading catalogues) when Richard comes in to see her and asks if she wants to play catch. He tells her he’s been feeling a little disconnected recently and this helps. She is not impressed. John comes in and spots the glove which he claims is his. They argue and fight like kids in the playground over the glove. Jackson enters and wants to know what is going on. Richard tells him its a partnership matter and they carry on fighting as they leave the office.

Next morning Ling exits the lift wrapped up in fur. She hates the cold. Elaine bumps into Jackson and sweats profusely. Mark asks after her health.

At the breakfast meeting Jackson tells them that he is acting for Gloria Allbright, senior partner in a law firm, who has fired all her male attorneys. She is being sued by one of them for sexual discrimination. Ally tells them that Renee is on the other side. Jackson asks if she is any good and Richard helpfully says that she is pretty smart. "Do you like big knockers?" he asks. "I meant as a lawyer " says Jackson. Jackson asks for assistance. He asks for Ling, but Richard tries to avoid it, upsetting the already sulking John in the process.

John leaves the meeting and goes to his Hole in the Wall, where, to his surprise, he finds Melanie. She’s been waiting to talk to him as she knows that something has been troubling him. He confides that it is Richard and that he hates him. He bitches about all the little things that Richard does to try and impose his seniority. "I’m filled with rancour" he concludes. Melanie suggests couples’ therapy for him and Richard. She just happens to know a therapist who helped her and her former boyfriend. John is quick to point out that she backed up over her former boyfriend in a truck.

In court Mr Mackey, a male attorney with Miss Allbright’s firm, gives evidence that he was dismissed as his boss was sacking all the male attorneys so "the place could be free of all sexual currents". Jackson crosses and asks Mr Mackey how many times a day he thinks about sex. He cannot answer and Jackson asks if he has fantasised about making love to his client. Renee objects and asks where this is going. Jackson turns to her and tells her that he will show her if she will just let him finish. She swoons back at him. Mr Mackey finally admits that he has fantasised about Miss Allbright, and then goes on to admit that he also fantasised about Renee. Jackson gets Ling to stand up and asks if he would fantasise about her if he worked with her. He tries to avoid the question but his lustful looks say it all.

Elaine is in with Ally telling her that Mark is upset with her, but that she does not know why. Ally asks if she has asked him, but she says no, as they end up arguing and then she ends up taking her clothes off. Eventually Elaine asks Ally to stay out of it. Ally is more than happy to oblige.

Ling storms out of the court angry with Jackson for using her as a prop. Jackson tries to justify his use of Ling, but then Renee storms into the room also indignant at Jackson’s behaviour in court. Jackson apologises with some smooth talking and Renee backs down. Then the chunky female judge enters, slamming the door behind her. "Can I step out of my robe for a second?" she asks. "I’d vomit" says Ling under her breath. The judge advises Jackson that singling out one of the female players in the court she could live with, but when he singled out all the female players except her, she is upset. Not only is it bad lawyering (is there really such a verb?), but he is alienating the judge.

John and Melanie have gone to see Richard to suggest therapy, but he is not keen. He doesn’t think its right for men to share feelings. His father had been into handshakes and stiff upper lips. He had never told Richard he loved him, instead he’d simply say "Mumboket".

Mark breezes passed Elaine in reception and then returns to tell her that he doesn’t think it is working out between them. She asks if he means they should talk about things or are they done. After a momentary pause Mark says "We’re done" and walks off. Ally, who has been listening at her door rushes out after him to the unisex and tells him that he should not end a relationship like that. He asks if he should have moved to Detroit. Ally tells him that he has been cruel to Elaine and to her and leaves. Richard enters the unisex and asks Mark if he thinks couples who argue should just rush off to counselling, but Mark tells him to mind his own business. Elaine enters and Richard asks her the same thing, which she too takes the wrong way.

Gloria Allbright is on the stand and tells the court that she has nothing against men, but that she sacked all her male employees as they think about sex all the time, whereas women do not. On cross examination she says that she thinks women are smarter and make better lawyers then men, as they are more inclined to settle rather than litigate. Renee suggests that she does hate men because of her failed marriage.

At C&F John is in his office playing the bagpipes - a sure sign that he is upset (and musically challenged - Barry Manilow we can forgive….just, but bagpipes…). Richard goes in to try and talk with him. John plays him " a song" he wrote for him - noise would be a better description. "It captures you" says John. "OK lets get therapy", says Richard.

That evening Jackson and Ling are back in the office in conference with Gloria Allbright, suggesting that she settles with Mr Mackey for $50,000. Her revelation about her ex has not helped her case suggests Ling. But Gloria is not to be moved. Ling makes to leave and Jackson invites her to dinner. She hesitates before turning him down, and they both agree it wouldn’t be a good idea, but say how good it is to work with each other.

John and Richard are with their Liberace lookalike therapist. He asks Richard to go first, but John jumps in to say that Richard’s needs are always prioritised over his. Richard and John bicker loudly.

In the unisex Mark is studying his derrier in the mirror, when Ally exits one of the stalls. He stops quickly. Mark tells Ally that he used to have a great arse, but now he feels threatened by Jackson Duper. He doesn’t think that women should lust after men.

In court Renee is closing for Mr Mackey telling the jury that Gloria Allbright is clearly gender-biased. Jackson offers the jury a tip. Men always ask "Would I or wouldn’t I?" Renee says that just because Mr Duper thinks that way that does not mean that all men think that way.

At C&F Ally calls Elaine into her office, where Mark is sitting. She tells Elaine that Mark has something to say. Mark apologises, but says that it bothers him when she overtly grovels over other men. The way she breaks out into a sweat every time she sees Jackson Duper. Elaine says it is unintentional. But Mark says that overtly showing interest in other men is disrespectful.

At the therapist’s Richard tells him that it is not about the glove or him, but about Melanie. John tries to interrupt, but Richard says it is his turn. "Mozambique" says John. That is how Richard’s father expressed his affection suggests John. Richard corrects him "Mumboket". Bill Mumboket was both Richard and his father’s favourite pitcher for the Red Soxs. He’d just wink and say "Mumboket" in moments of affection. Richard suggests John’s problem is all because John has been turned down by Melanie and John suggests that Richard is threatened by Ling’s ex-boyfriend. "Are you both lonely?" asks the therapist.

Later that evening Ally is discussing the situation with John, when she sees Larry, who keeps finishing her sentences for her. She tells John he will work it out with Richard and Melanie.

Jackson comes into the reception area and tells Ling that the jury want to know how long Mackey has been working with the defendant, which suggests they are contemplating damages. He says they need to get another offer on the table fast. Jackson asks Elaine to draw up a draft settlement agreement. She swoons and says OK, as Mark watches her.

Back at the therapist’s, he tells Richard and John that they have regressed to their friendship, but that this has put extra demands on their relationship, which has led to frustration and anger. Both are afraid of relying too heavily on the other, with all their faults and habits. He tells them to go back and sort out their problems with their women, so that they do not have to rely on each other so much.

Jackson is going over the draft settlement agreement with Elaine. A bead of sweat forms on her brow and gently trickles down her nose, as he leans over her, and she eventually has to wipe it away, but Mark has seen it all. Ling then tells Elaine and Jackson to forget the settlement as the jury are back. Mark confronts Elaine on the sweating issue. She says it is just one lousy bead, which is progress.

In the unisex Richard comes in to find John deep in thought. Richard says that he comes in peace. He tells John that he is more proud of his friendship with him, than all his money. John asks Richard if he has plans for the next 5 minutes and then takes him into his Hole in the Wall.

In the courtroom the jury find in favour of Mackey, but only order damages in the sum of $10,000. Jackson tells Renee that he hopes that there are no hard feelings and then invites her for a drink. Ling watches on jealously.

Richard and John sip cocktails and smoke cigars in his Hole in the Wall. John tells Richard that he cherishes their friendship. "You just thought it was time to show me your hole" says Richard. "John…..Mumboket" says Richard.

In the bar Vanda’s at it again. Elaine dances with Mark and Jackson’s having a drink with Renee. Ling is clearly miffed. Elaine comes along and suggests that she may be having a real relationship. She says she doesn’t know what to do now. Ally tells her just to be there for him, love him, be honest with him, and every now and then tell him that he has a really nice arse. Ling cannot stop watching Jackson as he chats with Renee. Meanwhile back in the office Richard and John play catch Now where did they get the other glove from?

Reach Out & Touch (17/10/01)

Ally is looking out of her window watching the snow. She sees and hears Barry Manilow singing. Naturally she screams and Renee comes in to find out what the problem is. Ally tells her she is seeing things and Renee runs through the usual list of suspects, but Ally finally admits its BM. "Call 911" Ally says.

Breakfast meeting and Richard tells them they are making lots of money, but that he wants more, so they have hired a "rainmaker", who he would like to introduce now, but he is not there. Nelle is not happy. Richard tells them that they do not have to feel threatened. "Nobody’s job is in peril as we speak at ten past nine" he assures them. Richard then moves on to talk about Ally’s situation and Ally sees him as BM again. She stifles a scream and Ling asks her if she is going to be weird again now Larry has gone. She tells her she never stopped being weird, and leaves to find somewhere else where she can be weird on her own.

As she gets into the reception area she bumps into a hunky black guy, who she immediately mentally strips down to his boxers [wouldn’t they have gone too, or are women intrinsically just more decent than men?]. He introduces himself as Jackson Duper - the new man at C&F. Jackson asks Ally the way to the facilities and she tells him with a grin [boxerless now maybe] and then has to stop herself from following in to the unisex. Elaine is mesmerised by Jackson too and then the lift opens and a redhead with dark glasses and balloons emerges. She is looking for John Cage. Ally points her in John’s direction and she hands him the balloons saying they are from Melanie West and then kisses him passionately. Melanie removes the wig and identifies herself, wishing John a happy Valentines Day.

Ally slopes off depressed and John, spotting her, follows and asks if she has heard from Larry. She says she has that morning and will do again that evening. She tries, unconvincingly, to convince herself that a long distance relationship can work and John tries to agree. She says she has her silly annulment case to concentrate on, but then asks John to take it on for her, telling him that she is hallucinating a little. Richard, Ling and John quiz Ally on her new troubles, and the reason why she wants to be taken off the case. Richard is not happy with the situation, but when Ally tells him that it is Barry Manilow she is seeing he responds immediately with "Your’e off the case", and hands Ling the file. He tells her he’ll put Jackson Duper on the case with her.

Melanie is in John’s office and she tells him that she loves Barry Manilow. John is flabbergasted as he loves him too. "I think I’m ready to share something big with you" he tells Melanie.

Ally is explaining to Clayton Hopper, her client, that she is handing over his case to Ling and Jackson. Jackson cuts to the chase and asks what the case is all about. Clayton explains that he married a nymphomaniac. Ally explains that he is trying to annul his marriage, and that they are also suing the minister because he was having an affair with his wife when he married them. Ling enters the room and stops mid-sentence as she sees Jackson. "You’re Jackson Duper?" she asks and leaves. Jackson follows her to her office. It transpires that they have slept together, but that Jackson didn’t tell her his real name.

John and Melanie go into the unisex to share his "big thing". John checks the stalls and then enters his stalll, taking Melanie in with him. He locks the door and then with a flick of his remote the back wall opens into John’s "Hole in the Wall" room. John asks Melanie if she will marry him. She squeals and Richard, in the unisex, cannot work out where the noise is coming from. Melanie asks him if he is serious and they squeal together. Richard continues to try and track down the squealing, and is then joined by Ally. She opens a stall and sees BM singing again. Richard tells her that she must confront him. ""Take his head off", he advises. Richard leaves and Ally opens the stall to confront BM, but he has gone.

In court Clayton is on the stand with Ling leading him through his evidence. He tells the court that it was when he watched the wedding video that he realised his wife had a problem. Ling runs the video of the wedding and his wife can clearly be seen being French kissed by the minister. He tells the court that when confronted she admitted she was having an affair with the minister. He is cross-examined by the not-so-comfortable attorney who acts for the minister, who suggests the minister could not have broken up the marriage as he says there never was a marriage. Counsel for Mrs Hooper gets him to confirm that his wife told him she had a disease - nymphomania. He is not sure this is relevant.

Back at C&F John is still pressing Melanie for an answer, but she will not be pushed. Jackson and Ling return from court and he cannot believe that he has been assigned a real case. Just to add to Jackson’s problems Elaine is using her ViBra in the background to get her nipples to shoot in and out. Jackson is non-plussed.

John and Melanie have moved into his office, and Melanie explains that it is not that she does not want to marry him, but that she does not believe in marriage. John is not happy with her response but accepts it.

That evening Ally is in bed in her apartment talking with Larry on the phone. They exchange pleasantries and she rings off telling him that she loves him. She tries to settle down to sleep, but then gets up and goes to a fridge that is in her room. She opens it to reveal Larry’s snowman, still frozen in all its glory, complete with his note. BM sings in the background. Ally sees him at her piano and then Vanda takes over.

Jackson and Ling are in her office, trying to sort out their differences when Richard enters. He wants to know what the problem is and Jackson tells him that he and Ling "got biblical" one evening after drinking in a bar. Richard is a bit slow to cotton on and asks if he means they prayed together, but then realises that Jackson means they had sex together. "Jackson Duper meet Richard Fish, my boyfriend", says Ling as Richard does goldfish impressions in the background. Jackson’s turn to squirm.

Ally is trying to calm John down in her office. "Talk, think, feel, pain, balls!" shouts John. Ally tells him that Melanie has not rejected him. She loves him, but is not comfortable with marriage. She reminds John that when he goes to talk with Melanie that he must not be defensive. Richard enters the room and announces to no-one in particular "She slept with him". John squeals and Ally covers her ears. Richard explains that he is talking about Ling and Jackson, and says that he wanted to hit him. John says he could not even take Ling and Richard attacks him. Ally intervenes and pulls them apart. She tells them that they are both vulnerable and that what they need to do is communicate. They shake hands and apologise.

Ally leaves John’s office and stops Mark from going in to see Richard. He does not like the new guy. Elaine hasn’t stopped sweating since he got there. Ally thinks he is exaggerating, but Elaine is melting gently at her desk.

On the stand the minister is giving evidence and suggests that he only had an affair with Marsha Hooper under duress. She had taken her breast out whilst they were planning the wedding ceremony, and he admits he licked it. Jackson starts to cross-examine and then tells the judge that this is nuts.

Ally confides in Mark and Nelle that she’s seeing Barry Manilow. They tell her that she will have to confront him. A sweaty Elaine comes over to tell Ally that Larry is on the phone. As she backs up she bumps into Melanie coming out of the lift. Melanie goes into John’s office to talk with him, but John and Richard are both hanging upside down de-stressing. John dismounts with a back somersault and twist. John asks Richard to leave, but his dismount is not of quite the same standard. Melanie suggests that it will be the differences that will outweigh the commonalities. John tells her that that is rubbish, and tells her not to reject the idea that two people can make it work. She says that she has just never seen it.

Jackson enters the unisex and catches Richard in mid-flow. He leaves and Nelle enters and introduces herself to Jackson, who thinks she is in the wrong bathroom. She explains its unisex and then, as Jackson goes to enter the stall it flushes automatically, courtesy of John’s remote. John explains that he likes a fresh bowl and takes the stall. Elaine then emerges from the next stall breasts flying in all directions. Distracted Jackson then bumps into Melanie who whoops and squawks, before joining John in his stall. Jackson tries to take stock.

In court Marsha Hooper gives evidence, saying that she loved her husband, but couldn’t help herself. Jackson asks her if she ever thought to tell her husband that she was a nymphomaniac, but she admits she thought he wouldn’t marry her if he knew. She admits she was unfaithful, but the judge points out that her marriage lasted three years and she was unfaithful 106 times.

John is thinking in his little room and Melanie comes in to see him. She asks if he still wants to get married, but he tells her that she has to believe in it. She wants to continue their courtship and will even have children and all the other stuff John said. She has a surprise for him but not there. John remains ominously silent.

In court Jackson apologises to the jury for dragging them away from their lives for such a crazy case, but says they know what they know.

Ally is counselling Richard on his relationship with Ling. He admits the two most important things about her are her soft skin and her hair. He hopes that she loves him for her money. Ally tells him that that is a strong bond to break. Richard says that they are supposed to be looking after her now that Larry has gone. Ally says she is doing fine and that Larry has not gone, he is in Detroit.

At the trial the jury agree to annul the marriage but do not find the minister guilty. Jackson suggests to Ling that in the circumstances he should not continue at C&F. Ling says that it won’t bother her and Jackson apologises to her.

In the bar Melanie leads John to his seat for his surprise. The stage is dark and when the lights come up BM is there singing. When Ally enters with Renee she says that this has gone far enough and storms forward to knock him out. She takes a swipe but misses. The music stops. BM gives her the mike and she sings along with him. Meanwhile Jackson eyes up Renee who is now sitting opposite him.

That evening Ally explains the day to Larry and the Barry Manilow incident. Renee returns and Ally admits its harder than she thought, but that she has Renee. Renee says she’d rather be with Jackson Duper, but Ally tells her to bide her time. She goes to bed and Ally sits and thinks as Vanda sings the closing number. At the bar Jackson checks out Ling dancing with Richard. John dances with Melanie. At home Ally dances with her cushion.

Hats Off to Larry (10/10/01)

Ally and Larry are in bed, and Ally wakes from a bad dream and starts lambasting the sleeping Larry, calling him a "pig". In her dream he left her with just a note. Eventually she decides to go back to her dream and find Larry and deal with him there, taking all the duvet in the process.

In the morning meeting Nelle confirms that she is acting for her dancing tutor Sam Adams, who is trying to protect a dance move that he perfected from a former dance partner. Elaine enters and tells Richard that Cindy McCauliff [the lady with the penis] is here to see him. "Why what did I do now?" he responds. She tells Richard that she wants to get married, but the courts will not allow her as she is considered a man. She wants Richard to act for her due to his fantastic grasp on homophobic bigotry.

Sam Adams comes into the office for his settlement conference and Elaine salsas. Ally walks by and then into her office and finds a young boy in her chair, who asks her to be his lawyer. He tells her that he wants to sue his parents for emotional distress as they have split up. He tells her that his Dad is a lawyer and that his name is Sam Paul. She suddenly realises who he is [Larry's son - for those who are a little slow today]

At the settlement conference the Spanish insults are flying. John waves his hands in frustration as Nelle tries to get control, until eventually John screams in Spanish. "You want to ride a little pony?" asks Sam. Its the only Spanish John knows. Inez Cortez denies that Sam taught her the moves and Nelle threatens her with an injunction to prevent her using them. She says she will see them in court and then tells Nelle that she is a fool, as she leaves.

Ally has taken Sam to his father’s office. He is just as quick witted with his replies to Larry’s questions as Larry usually is. He came by plane from Detroit. He came to sue his father. With a half smile Ally tells him that he is suing Larry for emotional distress and that he would also like triple damages and attorney fees. Sam tells Larry that things are not OK. His Mum cries and he cries. It hurts too much. "I think its time for you to cry" he says.

Sam is with Ally. Larry is talking with Jamie on the phone in another room. Sam is surprised that Ally is not younger than his mother. He suggests that she is fifty. Ally admits that she loves Larry very much, and that she does not have kids. "Is your biological clock all ticked out?" Sam asks [has he been chatting with Richard?]

Richard and Ling are in conference with Cindy and Rick, her potential future husband. Richard tries to explain the law, only he doesn’t understand it. Rick suggests that the law is changing as same sex marriages are recognised in Vermont. Richard explains this is only because that law has been endorsed by all the homophobes, such as himself, so that all the gays will move there. "You know….better in thick wooded areas….."

Sam is on the stand and he explains that despite the fact that they were partners all the moves were his. He compares it to making loving, which flusters Nelle. He needs to stop Inez using the moves at the National Championships at which he too will be competing, as she will degrade his performance. On cross examination Sam admits that he and Miss Cortez were also lovers. Nelle is shocked and objects, but then withdraws (so to speak). One of the moves was apparently actually discovered while they were making love. Sam says that even in this department he was always the teacher.

In a recess Nelle suggests that he should have told her that Inez was an ex-lover. John is happy to leave them to it. Sam suggests that maybe he should get another lawyer, but Nelle tells him that she can do it.

The lift opens at C&F and an unusually tall, bemacked, unicycling Sam emerges. He mimes to Larry’s voice (on whose shoulders he is sitting) telling Elaine that he wants to sue the manufacturer of his bike as it has only one wheel. Elaine calls Ally, who is at first rather perplexed, and then amused. Sam and Larry crash into Ally’s office. Larry tells Ally that Sam is going to stay for a day or two as he came to see his life. Ally says that is "terrific", but without too much conviction. Sam leaves and Ally asks when she will see him again. He tells her that evening as they are sleeping at her place.

In the unisex Cindy chats with Mark. Mark is initially quiet and non-commitall, but then suggests that she is mad to instruct Richard Fish and that perhaps she is only there and only getting married to get back at him. She denies it, and tells Mark that she loves Rick. His willingness to love her is enough for her.

At the bar Sam is singing a song with a salsa beat (I assume anyway) and the crew gyrate. At home Ally and Sam sit at the piano and play. Sam is almost concert standard. Sam says he misses his Dad and asks Ally if he will ever come back. Larry listens at the door. Ally says he should talk to his Dad about it, but Sam says they don’t do stuff like that. He thinks Larry will already have found a way to forget that he told him that he cries.

In court Miss Cortez is on the stand. She says that she and Sam would dance in the studio and that they would get a little "worked up" and then the moves would evolve. She claims that she is just as entitled to the moves as he is. She tells the court that Sam likes to have forbidden relationships and gets a spark from these. Nelle objects and the judge says that she doesn’t know what moves they are talking about and asks for a demonstration [you can just see this sort of thing happening here can’t you?]. The couple shout at each other in Spanish and again John shuts them up by screaming "I want a cookie" in Spanish.

Larry comes into Ally’s office. He can’t make a joke, which is rather strange. Larry tells her that Sam is getting into trouble at school. He doesn’t know what to do. Ally tells him that he needs to go to Detroit for however long it takes.

Richard is in court and proudly tells the judge that he has read the Constitution and that nothing in it says that a marriage has to be between a man and a woman. Opposing Counsel refers to the Defence of Marriage Act, but Richard suggests that Congress cannot overrule the Constitution and then prattles on about the sanctity of marriage. The judge says he has heard enough, but then Mark stands up and asks to speak. He tells the judge that the point is being missed. Cindy is a woman. He admits that he dated Cindy and that she is one of the finest women that he has ever known. What they should be looking at is the person, not her X and Y chromosomes.

Larry says that his life is in Boston, but Ally reminds him that he said that "until you have a child you have no idea of the capacity you have to love somebody". His first priority is as a Dad. He asks Ally to come with him, but she says that he needs to do this alone. He tells her that he will come back. She tells him that she loves him and they kiss.

In court Sam and Inez dance the salsa, wearing the worst costumes they could find. As they end John claps and Nelle looks at him in disgust.

Cindy comes into Mark’s office and asks why he spoke up in court. He tells her that its because he is an officer of the court and that she is an extraordinary woman. He tells her that no court can take away her love for her partner. She thanks him and leaves.

Judge Walsh admits that it is a very sad day when he finds himself agreeing with Mr Fish, but he does. The law is stupid, but he cannot change it and he dismisses Cindy’s application. Richard suggests that as he feels like a captain of his ship he could marry them.

Ally comes in to see Larry who is packing up his office. He finds the blue nose and puts it on Ally. They are leaving at 9 that evening. So Ally asks if they can have an early dinner. Larry tells her that he has a problem with goodbyes and would rather just go. He tells her that her dream was accurate. He would just leave her a note. She says that she will not watch when he gets out of the car, but Larry tells her that he has booked a car to the airport. Ally holds back the tears. Larry says that if he even looked at her he wouldn’t get on the plane. She helps him to pack as Vanda sings "For Once in My Life". They both hold back the tears - just.

Sam comes into Nelle’s office and tells her that he and Inez are going to get back together as dancing partners. He invites Nelle to dinner, but she declines. He comes on to her and she nearly gives him, but then stops herself. He leaves and says goodbye.

In the office Richard marries Cindy and Rick "by the powers invested in me as partner in my own law firm". The couple kiss and then Richard asks to kiss the bride. They do. John tells Melanie that he is still waiting for his hello kiss (she’s been away). She grabs him and wrestles him to the floor. "Is she a bigger slut than me?" asks a worried Elaine. Mark reassures her she is not.

They party in the bar. Ally and Renee discuss Larry. Vanda is singing Ally’s theme song. Nelle and Mark are drinking shots. Elaine tells Ally that Larry is outside in the car on the way to the airport. Ally goes out to see him. Apparently Sam wanted to say goodbye, so he does and then winds the car window up so that Ally and his Dad can smooch. Ally and Larry stand awkwardly and he tells her to keep hearing the song that he wrote. "Don’t forget", she says. They cuddle and he leaves. Ally hears his song as she walks home and outside her apartment she finds a Larry look-a-like snowman, with a note "I’ll be back".

Mr Bo (03/10/01)

John and Melanie are in the bar reminiscing about the song Vanda is warbling. She invites John back to her apartment, but warns him that she has never invited anyone back before. He says he is honoured. Her apartment is just one small room, with a bed in the wall and a loo that hides under an armchair. John is enchanted by the place and they go to kiss, but as they do the earth moves (a premature evacuation perhaps?). Turns out the apartment is in fact a service elevator (OK belief completely suspended now!)

At the C&F breakfast meeting Richard asks where John is and is told that he is sitting in on Melanie's class again. Ling suggests he is like a puppy, following her around everywhere. Richard moves on and informs the meeting that they have a new client, Roth Public Relations. He assigns Ally and Mark to the case, which is to defend the company against a claim for wrongful dismissal by an employee who was fired because she was fat. Ally is not impressed and tells Richard that she will not take the case, but Richard insists. He also announces that there will be a charity twisting competition in the bar later that week, where Chubby Checker will sing, and that he has bought 5 entries. Nelle and Ally say they will not enter, but Ally changes her mind when Ling informs them all that she is a champion twister.

At school Melanie is singing "Mr Bojangles" to her class, while John watches on from the back. When she finishes one of the boys asks Melanie when they will go and see Mr Bo again. She says soon and explains to John that she took the children to see a homeless man that she knows. She says she would like John to meet him and he readily agrees (what a treat?)

Back at C&F Elaine comes in to tell Ally that her new client is in with Mark. Ally is still ranting asking why she is defending a business that fires a receptionist for being fat. As she walks into Mark's office she is surprised to be introduced to Ms Jerry Hill. Ally briefly skips through the facts and asks if the receptionist was dismissed for being too fat, and Ms Hill tells her that she was not too fat, just overweight. When asked why this made her incapable of doing her job, Ms Hill simply replies that she was not attractive enough. Ally is flabbergasted and tells Ms Hill that she doesn't think she can act for her. "Richard says you are a good attorney with an excellent grasp of the superficial" she responds. Ally is still not happy with the situation.

She goes to tell Richard that she will not act, but Richard again tells her that she must. Ally and Ling trade "looks insults" and Ally offers to fight with her. Richard intervenes and suggests they settle their argument on the dance floor. Ally thumps him and leaves. Meanwhile Elaine grabs hold of Mark and informs him in no uncertain terms that they must win the twisting contest.

John and Mel are walking through the streets looking for Mr Bo. They find him and Melanie gives him a hug even though he smells. She introduces John as her "special friend", but when John agrees with him that Melanie is an angel Mr Bo snaps at him. Melanie says she will bring her schoolchildren to see him again soon and they leave him to it. 

Back at C&F Richard and John discuss Melanie's strange apartment, and Elaine gives Richard stick for making Mark go to court, preventing her from practising the twist with him. As John walks through the office he notices Mr Bo in the lift, but cannot get to talk with him. When Melanie arrives he tells her that he saw Mr Bo and he wonders if he is sane. She assures him he is.

In court the receptionist who was sacked is on the stand. She tells the court that she was told to "drop 5 pounds or she'd be let go". When she didn't manage it she was told that things were working out and she was told to leave. She was told that she was simply not pretty enough. Ally crosses her and gets a little out of her depth when discussing diets, when the witness suggests she has a large bum. Eventually she suggests that when clients came into the office they might be given the wrong impression about the firm.

Nelle and Ling are discussing the twisting contest, but Nelle reaffirms that she does not want to enter. Ling won't take no for an answer and promises her dance instructor to help her.

John and Melanie are still discussing Mr Bo. John is obviously worried what he might do, but Melanie tries to reassure him and tells him to leave him to her.

Ally has gone over to see Larry, and when she tells him that Chubby Checker himself will be singing, he agrees to enter the twisting contest with her. She also confides in Larry about the problems she is having with her current case. Larry seems a little non-plussed, particularly as she works at Cage & Fish. Its apparently well-known that Richard only hires babes. Its even in the firm's resume. Ally is amazed.

Late in the evening John enters the unisex and flushes his stall remotely before he goes in, but when he opens the door Mr Bo is there. He runs and Mr Bo follows him.

Next scene John is with Melanie telling her that he had Mr Bo arrested. She is angry and distraught. She asks why he did not call her. Elaine and Richard are listening outside the door. Elaine asks if Ling really is a champion twister, but Richard says he does not know, but if she can twist half as good as she can contort then she will be very good. At this moment Melanie bursts out of the room with John shouting behind her that he never even had Tourette's, but only said he did to get a little action.  

In court Jerry Hill is on the stand. She explains that their reception area is also their waiting area and that both men and women like to see a beautiful woman on reception. It is even more important for them as they are a PR company. On cross-examination she confirms that looks count, but that she is not the first to think that.

Ling is still trying to convince Nelle to enter the twisting contest, but she still says no. She says that she ought to meet with Sam Adams, who then appears - macho Latin hunk (not really my type, but heh each to their own). Nelle says she might as well have one lesson.

In the criminal court Mr Bo is brought up and melanie tries to get teh charges thrown out, but she has no standing in the court. But then John appears and identifies himself as the victim and says that he overreacted and asks for the charges to be dropped, which they are at his expense. Mr Bo leaves with Melanie.

Ally has left Larry's office and is now in with Richard, demanding to see the firm's resume. Richard finally produces it from a tightly locked draw and Ally takes it. She asks if she was hired for her looks and Richard asks her back whether she knew him well at college? - she says no. Did she have an interview? - no. Did he even ask for her resume? - no. All he had to go on was her looks. He tells her that clients always think that lawyers are out to screw them. "Its just nicer being screwed by a beautiful woman". Ally is speechless and leaves.

In Nelle's office Nelle and Sam practice....the salsa (obviously a one dance man!!). Elaine watches on and then goes to whinge to Ally. "'You people' win everything", she says. Elaine tells her that it is important to her that she wins the twisting contest.

John goes to see Melanie at her school. She tells him that he was stupid calling the police for Mr Bo. John says he wants to know why Mr Bo is so important to her, and then she admits that he is her father. She says that she didn't tell him because she was embarrassed, but then admits that she was ashamed. She tells John that her father does not want to be helped, and that the pressures of ordinary life were getting him down. She describes him as a wonderful person, but just a little different. John says that he would like to speak with him, but Melanie warns that he will want to wrestle with him (remind you of a Dr Pepper advert?).

In court both counsel close. The claimant's counsel asks if the jury are prepared to extend the concept of packaging goods to people. He says the decision is theirs. Ally suggests that the decision is not theirs. She suggests that they have to consider her client's actions on the basis of the world that we live in today. She says the receptionist didn't complain when she was hired for her looks.

John goes to see Mr Bo. He asks John if he loves his daughter and John says that he thinks he might. In which case Mr Bo says that he must wrestle him. John tells him that he wants to get him some help, but Mr Bo is having none of it.

In court the jury return and find in favour of Ally's client. The client is happy, but Ally is not proud of her day's work (nice fees though).

In the bar, Chubby Checker (living up to his name) sings At the Hop. Sam tells Nelle that the secret is sex, and Elaine composes herself.

Meanwhile John and Mr Bo are wrestling before a crowd of bums, who whoop and holler. Mr Bo wins and then tells John that he can date his daughter. John tells him that he is a "kookball".

Back at the bar Chubby is into "The Twist". Strangely John is there with Mr Bo and Melanie. The couples dance, and then Elaine dances with Chubby himself. Seems a little unfair that she should win as she obviously has more to shake then the others.

Afterwards on the street Mr Bo declines the offer to stay at Melanie's place. He and John exchange Toad and Kookball insults, before he asks Melanie to call him Dad from now on. John explains that Melanie is not ashamed of him otherwise she wouldn't take the important people in her life to see him. They square up again, but Melanie intervenes. As he leaves Mr Bo (sorry Dad) tells Melanie that John is OK. Vanda warbles Mr Bojangles as he walks away.

In the office Elaine is admiring her trophy. Ally and Larry congratulate her and when Ally goes to get her coat Larry suggests that she doesn't need to put it on show, but before she hides it in her cupboard she gives it one last cuddle to the strains (and I use the word advisedly) of Pearl's a Singer, sung by the ever present Vanda, of course.

The Ex-Files (26/09/01)

Richard and Ling are in a restaurant with Ling’s friends Randy and Lisa, plus John and Melanie. Randy and Lisa are due to get married soon and Richard is being his crass self, suggesting they may not be ready for this move. Randy is an ex of Ling’s. Ling suggests to Melanie that it must be nice to have Tourettes, so that you can annoy people. Melanie tells her that sex is a good release and Richard inevitably picks up on this and asks how John will know if she is whooping with delight or just as a result of the syndrome. John is suitably embarassed.

In Larry’s office Ally is trying on a hat, which Larry suggests will attract nesting birds. They try to kiss, but as they have a "brim moment" Jamie enters. She says she wants to talk with Larry and Ally makes her excuses and leaves. After she has gone Jamie tells Larry that she plans to move, with their son Sam, to Canada, and she asks Larry to agree.

Ally meanwhile has whizzed over to Renee’s office. Renee is not impressed that Ally has left Larry alone with his ex again. Ally admits that she is jealous and rants on. In order to stop her Renee places a pencil in Ally’s mouth and tells her she will have to tough it out. Ally bites through the pencil in frustration.

At C&F John is chastising Richard for his unacceptable behaviour the evening before. Richard is as non-plussed as ever by the criticism. Water and ducks' backs spring to mind. John leaves to go and listen to Melanie reading her latest story to her school children.

In Ling’s office Lisa has come to see her. She tells her that she is not happy with Ling and Randy’s history. She thinks that they may still be in love with other. Ling tells her that this is not the case. They have not been together for 7 years. She says that she duped Randy and then dumped him, but that she is sure that he is over it by now.

Back at Larry’s office he and Jamie are still discussing Canada. He is not in favour of the move. She says that Jamie will have grandparents there and that she will be able to get him out of the city. She suggests that if Larry had wanted to get closer to his son then he could have moved to Detroit. As she sees it he has only one reason to live in Boston and that is Ally. He admits that he is in love with her.

At her school Melanie reads to her children her story of the two headed girl. John looks on from the back of the class. One girl is good and the other is bad. She gets to a part where one grabs a pencil and one of the children (Lucy) finishes her sentence suggesting that the girl stabs the other one in the eye. The children scream and run, so do Melanie and John. As Melanie tries to calm the chaos a teacher enters and asks Melanie to go with her to see the director. She leaves John in charge of the class, even though he tells her that children frighten him. John tries to entertain the children, but Lucy tells him that he is " a boring little man". He says he is not boring, but meek. She tells him that meek is not attractive. John is upset and tries to scare the children by telling them that parents snip off the toes of children that misbehave, especially those with big mouths. Lucy screams. Melanie then returns to the room looking shocked. She has just been sacked.

John is quickly in court arguing that firing a person because of their disability is illegal. Mr Not Comfortable Counsel (Mr Milter for those who need to know everything) suggests they she was not fired for her Tourettes, but because she scared the children. Her stories scare them, her actions scare them and she ran over the former director of the school and killed him 3 months ago. John points out that she was acquitted on the murder charge. Meanwhile Melanie whoops and ticks and involuntarily mentions the judge's ill-fitting wig, which in turn sets John off. Eventually the judge adjourns so that they can try and come to some sort of compromise.

Now Randy has come in to see Ling. He knows that Lisa has been in to see Ling, and says that she is still acting erratically. He thinks she may be having second thoughts. Ling tries to reassure him this is not the case. In fact she thinks that he is having second thoughts. She asks if she is really the girl of his dreams and Randy evades the question and tells her that she thinks he still loves her. "Do you?" Ling asks. Again he evades the answer and tells Ling that he will look after Lisa.

Ally meanwhile has progressed on to a mouthful of 4 pencils in her efforts to control her jealousy. Renee asks if she is still insecure and jealous and when she answers yes, she tells her to stay put and shoves yet another pencil in her mouth, before leaving.

In John's office Melanie is agitated about her future as an author if her dismissal sticks. A reputation for scaring little children does not bode well for a children's book writer. John asks why she is now so concerned when a week ago she was prepared to be convicted of a murder she did not commit. She tells him that she is now in an optimistic place. Her life has a future. John tells her he'll try and fix it and they kiss. Elaine enters and they both squeal. The school director and Mr Milter are on their way up.

Larry and Jamie are continuing their argument. He suggests that she move to Boston, but she declines on the basis that it wouldn't work. He is the problem. They may not have worked living together, but the sex works well. She tells him that she knows its over, but then they kiss passionately. But after a few moments Larry breaks away and leaves.

Several pencils later Ally is still standing in Renee's office. "You'd think by now he would have called" Ally ruminates. But then Renee points out that if he were going to call her it would probably have been at Ally's office and not at hers. Ally accepts she has a point.

Back at C&F, Randy returns to Ling's office. "I do", he proclaims, referring to his love for Ling, rather than practising his wedding vows. He asks Ling if he still has a chance with her. Hesitantly she says no, and then tries to steady the ship with a more convincing "Not a chance". Randy goes to leave, but before he goes confirms that the wedding will go ahead as Lisa is "the next best thing".

In the settlement conference the school director, Mrs Stiles, is making the case against Melanie. It is mainly her stories that are the problem. There is the one about the two-headed girl and one about a hippo that eats children and then poops them out. Melanie tries to point out the moral behind each story, but Mrs Stiles is unmoved. John suggests that she is a little biased as his client has a history of reversing over directors of the school. Melanie tics and calls Mrs Stiles fat, to which she is not best pleased. The argument hots up and Melanie squeals. "Oh that's right play the squeal card", says Mrs Stiles. John smiles and says "Remarks like that make me see zeros"

Ally has finally returned to her office, but when she asks Elaine if she has had any calls she says no. She suggests the phones may be out of order, but Nelle, helpfully, confirms that hers appears to be working fine. Ally stomps into her own office and as she does so the phone rings...but its just Nelle winding her up on her cellphone, as she demonstrates by standing in Ally's doorway with her phone in hand. Ally unclips her handset and launches it at Nelle, who evades it as Larry enters and catches the missile. "Nice arm" he comments, and asks if there is something wrong. Ally confirms that she has a weird vibe about something happening between him and Jamie, and he stuns her by telling her that she is right - they kissed. Ally tells Larry that she is not going to go down this road, and refuses to talk with Larry and opens her office door to show him out. The entire office fall in. They clamber up and Ally picks her way through them and leaves. Larry is left to ponder his fate.

In the bar Renee sings and Richard, Ling and Nelle sip martinis. Even Nelle feels sorry for Ally and she doesn't even like her. Larry calls Ally from his office, but just gets her answerphone. Jamie comes in and asks what happened and Larry tells her and asks her to leave. He tells her to go to Canada. Jamie is stunned and realises that he really loves her. Jamie says she'll think about Canada some more and call him.

Later that evening Ally is at home watching Fatal Attraction. Renee comes in and turns off the tv and tells her that she should talk to him. Ally asks why she should, and Renee nervously replies that it is because he is "right there". He enters the room and tells her that he has written a song. She says that he hopes he has come to return his key, but he simply says that she knows why he is there.

Nelle and Ling are discussing Randy's love for Ling. Ling admits that she might still love him. John and Melanie arrive in the office. She whoops and Ling makes a snide remark. "Repugnant" John replies. They carry on their conversation and Ling asks what she should tell Lisa now. Nelle suggests she tries the truth, but Ling is not sure - take Larry's recent success in this regard.

Larry and Ally are discussing his infidelity. He accepts there was no justification for it, but that he didn't go through with it because he loved Ally and he knows she loves him too. "Sometimes love is not enough" says Ally. "Yes it is", Larry remarks. "When you go without it for long enough you realise it is everything".

In court the snotty little girl from the school (Lucy) is giving evidence. She says that she is afraid of Melanie who barks and bites. John approaches the girl and asks if she is afraid of him. She says she is because she thinks he will cut her toes off. John asks if she is afraid of the judge. She says that she is as he has obviously killed an animal for his hair. The judge excuses the girl. Mr Milter sums up his argument suggesting that Melanie could not possibly promote a safe environment at school. John interrupts suggesting that a function of school is to promote a prejudice-free environment and that they have failed by firing Melanie for ticking and whooping. "If those children's lives have been enriched half as much as mine has been...." he tails off. "Its a bad decision" he concludes. The judge says all he can do is make a gut call, and that he would be comfortable sending his child to be taught by Ms West.

But while love blossoms with John and Melanie Ally is telling Larry that he cannot put Jamie behind him. She will always be a part of his life. She will always be there. Larry says that the biggest part of him is here. Ally smiles. Larry tells her that he really did write a song for her.

Lisa storms into Ling's office and confronts her over Randy. She wants to know what was said. Ling tells her that he said he never loved anybody as much as he loved Lisa. Lisa smiles in relief.

Ally and Larry sit at the piano and Larry sings his song to her. Fortunately (well sort of) after a few bars (unfortunately not of the alcoholic variety) Vanda takes over. In the bar Mart and Elaine dance and John and Melanie dance. Randy and Lisa get married and Ally and Larry make love. Ling meanwhile walks alone.

Reasons to Believe (19/09/01)

Its late and John is looking out of his office window at the snow falling outside. Ally enters and John turns to her startled and his trousers fall to the floor. He explains he loosened them due to "gas pains" (wind to you and I). Ally asks him what is wrong and he tells her that it is hard to walk home on a beautiful night..."when your alone" Ally finishes for him. He tells her that he sees himself alone in the future.

At that moment a man appears in the doorway. John screams, Ally screams, the man screams. Its Nicholas Engbloom. He is apparently an eminent, supposedly retired lawyer, who inspired John to enter the law. He tells John that he needs his help on a murder case he has starting tomorrow. His client who has Tourette's syndrome and won't talk to him. She ran over her former lover in her SUV (Sport Utility Vehicle - 4 wheel drives that are never intended to go off-road!) and then backed up over him.

At the breakfast meeting next morning Richard and John discuss John's new case. John suggests Richard has no idea what Tourettes actually is, but he counters that he was once honoured by the American Tourette's Society for his charitable work in the field. "That's where they all whoop and tick and run around like monkies", he helpfully adds. Elaine enters and tells John there is a woman to see him.

Turns out its Mrs Engbloom (Brandy). John explains the coincidence given Nicholas's recent appearance. She looks concerned and tells John that she was going to ask him to represent her, but that she supposes, in the circumstances, that he will want to represent Nicholas. She wants a divorce. John is horrified and asks why. She explains that Nicholas just will not retire. John says that the least he can do is set her up with decent counsel.

So off he toddles with Ally in tow to see Larry (of course). Larry is reluctant to get involved, but John says that together they can try and broker a happy outcome, and he is good at handling difficult situations. Ally says he'll do it. 

John and Ally go off to court and have their first meeting with Melanie, the alleged murderer (heh who needs lots of preparation in these simple cases?). John introduces himself in a rambling, bumbling, stammering style and whoops and ticks along with Melanie, explaining that he too may have a form of Tourettes. She relaxes with him and he suggests that her best option is to plead temporary insanity, but she says she does not want to. She would rather be considered to be a cold-blooded murderer than be considered insane. John says that in her statement she said that she went over to his house with the express intention of killing him, but that she did not kill him inside. If he hadn't followed her outside and stood in front of the car, she wouldn't have done it. John suggests that it sounds as though she just suddenly snapped. Melanie says she will still not plead temprary insanity and can they just get on with the trial. John tells her they will start after lunch.

Back at C&F, Richard is trying to find out whether Mark has slept with Elaine yet. He tells him that he has always wanted to know what she was like in bed, but didn't want to catch anything. Mark keeps stum. Ally, John and Nicholas return to try and sort out his divorce (not poor old Melanie's case). They have arranged a conference with Larry and Mrs E. She tells them that it is because he will not retire that she wants a divorce. He has a heart condition and she has been on hold for 43 years. Nicholas tells her he is afraid of retirement. He tells her he loves her but that this is not enough for him. She says that it is for her.

In the unisex Mark admits to Richard that nothing happened between Elaine and himself. Ling exits a stall and Richard tells Mark that he needs a sex song. Elaine meanwhile talks the situation through with Ally who tells her its OK to wait, in fact it might even mean its more serious, but she won't give away her own secrets about her and Larry.

In court a female witness gives evidence of hearing an argument between Melanie and her lover, and how Melanie then started the car and crushed him. On cross-examination she admits she could not hear what was being said. She leaves the stand and the prosecution close their case by entering Melanie's statement in which she confesses to the murder. John is outraged and asks the judge to dismiss the case on the grounds that it only lasted 18 minutes. Its denied and John calls Melanie to give evidence. The case is adjourned until the next morning.

Larry is in conference with Mrs E. She tells him that Nicholas is going to die and that is why she wants him to retire. Larry asks what she wants to do with him in his retirement. She says flippantly dance to Johnny Mathis. Larry remotely flicks on his CD player and plays Johnny Mathis, and asks her to dance with him. Embarrassed she accepts and they dance. Ally enters and Larry promises her it is nothing but cheap sex. Brandy confirms it. Ally tells her that they have arranged another conference for that evening and that in the meantime she needs to stay away from her man, and she leaves.

John and Melanie are in conference too. He tells her that he cannot put her on the stand if he knows she is going to lie. He still thinks that she snapped. Eventually after mutually whoops and ticks she admits to him that it was an accident and that it was an involuntary movement of her foot that caused her to hit the accelerator and run him over. She then thought she was actually still on him and so reversed back over him again by accident. John asks why she hasn't told anyone this before and she explains that she was afraid of being laughed at. She would rather people thought she had been angry than be ridiculed. John tells her that prison is not the solution and he asks her to tell the truth. He bangs the table to reinforce his point and the two of them smile at each other.

In the unisex Richard is coaching Mark to dance along to Tom Jones' "Its not unusual". Nelle enters and is her usual snooty self, telling them if they really want to turn a woman on that they should respect her. 

At the Engbloom conference Nicholas explains that he never lied and that he did mean to retire, but that at his own retirement bash he was so depressed by the thought of retirement that he stepped out onto his window ledge and nearly jumped. He explains that in court he feels powerful, but outside it he is just old. Brandy leaves.

Ally and Larry are in bed. She asks if he loves his job and he responds by saying does she mean is it is number one priority. He says no, but that he does not think people set out to make work their entire life.

In court the next day it is Ally who questions Melanie on the stand - got to justify the three sets of lawyers' fees somehow. Melanie tells the true story. Larry has brought Brandy to the courthouse on some pretext and takes her in to see Nicholas at work. He is now taking the medical expert through his evidence (Just where did they find him at such short notice? It was only earlier today they knew they were running an accident defence). He confirms that Tourette's sufferers could develop new ticks and that although the tick has a psychological connection it is none the less uncontrollable. 

The court adjourns and John and Melanie discuss her case and chances of success. He tells her that Nicholas is great at closing and how he used to go and watch him in action. Now he is representing her. She says that he is representing her too and squeezes his hand in appreciation. he goes to leave but she is not inclined to let him go. Ally looks on and tells John that she thinks she likes him. John is not sure it would be a good idea, but then a paramedic team race past them to the courtroom. They follow and Brandy is brought out of the court on the stretcher.

Ally, Larry and Nicholas wait at the hospital and a doctor informs them that she has had a massive heart attack, but that she will make it. Nicholas suggests that it is a sign from God to him. 

Back in the unisex Mark and Richard have taken Nelle at her work and are dancing to R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Nelle watches on again from a stall and says she thinks they are ready.

In the bar Renee takes over the song. Mark dances with Elaine, Richard with Nelle and Ally and Nelle discuss life. 

At the hospital Nicholas chats to John and tells him how he always felt that one day she'd realise that he was not good enough for her. He believes women love power and that every case he won, he won for her. John tells him to tell that to Brandy and agrees to close in Melanie's case next day.

Back at the office John tries to prepare his closing argument in his usual barefoot style. Ally enters and asks if he is ready, but he says no. He cannot work out how to persuade the jury that it was an accident. It just does not make sense. Ally tells him that it does not have to make sense. Like love and humour. She is talking about him and Melanie not her case. John is not convinced they would work together. "When I go to a movie I like the action to stay on the screen", he says. "You're right it wouldn't make sense", she says and leaves John to ponder.

Next morning Richard and Mark are discussing their sexual encounters of the previous night. Mark has broken his duck with Elaine and Richard tells him that Ling was all over him, particularly after he took viagra. Elaine enters and Richard asks how was Mark last night. She ignores him and leaps onto Mark, kissing him passionately.

In the courtroom the prosecution are closing. Only at the trial did the defendant raise the prospect that this had been an accident. She is exploiting her disease. John closes for Melanie telling the jury that it is not a disease, but a disorder and therein lies the problem. She has been ridiculed and gawked at all her life and the only way she could keep any dignity in this situation was to lie and say she had done it deliberately. He suggests that they cannot be sure of her guilt. The only tangible thing is doubt.

At the hospital Larry, Nicholas and Brandy are playing scrabble and arguing playfully over a word that Brandy has used. Larry defends its use, and Nicholas suggests he need not be there, and asks Brandy if the case is over. She says she prefers the word retired and Nicholas agrees. Brandy tells Larry the case is over.

In the court the jury return a Not Guilty verdict on Melanie. She is delighted and Ally tells her she is free and single and then excuses herself. Melanie asks if they can appeal, just so that she can have more meetings with her lawyer. Embarrassed John realises this is a come-on and agrees to go out with her. Ally squeals in delight at the back of the court.

In the bar Vanda's plonking away on the piano. Ally and Larry dance, John and Melanie dance, Mark and Elaine dance, Richard and Ling...well you get the picture. The manless Renee and Nelle sit together and Nelle suggests they may have to become friends. Renee says it will never come to that. Brandy and Nicholas dance slowly too in the hospital.

The Man with the Bag (12/09/01)

John is in his office with an armful of Christmas wrapping paper when a serious looking Nelle enters and asks if he will represent her father who has been dismissed from his job as a teacher. She tells him that it will be a difficult case. John asks why he has been dismissed and Nelle tells him that it is because he believes he is Santa Claus. John looks slightly taken aback but agrees to meet with him. Nelle shows him in. "Hello, Mr...Claus," says John. "Please call me Kris", replies Mr Porter [Kris Kringle is another name for Santa Claus in the US - don't ask me why?]

Next morning at the C&F breakfast meeting Richard reminds them that it is their Christmas party that evening in the bar (where else?) and that all must attend, but that they have done away with the tradition that they must all sing a song, after what happened last year. Mark asks what happened last year and Richard tells him that Ally sang. Ally defends her singing ability and john is then called out of the meeting by Nelle.

In John's office Mr Porter and Nelle are waiting for him. Mr Porter is still in his Santa working gear. John tells him that he must change before they go to court or else they have no chance of convincing the judge that he is not delusional. John asks him to wait outside and he discusses with Nelle whether her father is suffering from Alzheimers. Nelle says not, but some kind of schizophrenia. He really is a good teacher she tells John and he lives for his little 2nd graders.

Ally has called at Larry's office which is completely over the top with Christmas lights and decorations. Larry tells her that he was just doing what she asked. He positions her carefully in the office and flicks a remote which lights her up and mistletoe descends from the ceiling. Naturally they kiss. As they do so a long-legged brunette enters. Larry introduces her as Jamie, an old girlfriend. She tells Ally that she has come from Detroit and it slowly dawns on Ally that she is Sam's mother. Ally says that she has heard a lot about her. She says the same about Ally. "He loves you". Ally looks shocked and Jamie apologises lamely. Ally makes her excuses and leaves awkwardly.

She has gone to see Renee, who cannot believe she left them together. Apparently nothing is hotter in her book than sleeping with someone you are not supposed to. She says that she will go over and see Larry, but Ally prevents her from going.

In court John is applying for his injunction to prevent Mr Porter from being dismissed. He tells the judge that he has done nothing to harm the children and that he should at least get an evidentiary hearing to see if there is a possible risk to the children. The judge is not inclined to linger long on the case. "Just one lousy hearing. He'll buy you a toy", says John. The judge agrees to an evidentiary hearing that afternoon.

John, Nelle and her father are walking back to C&F when they bump into Ally. Ally discusses Larry and his ex with John, who is also amazed that she left them to together. "Can I ask you if you have been biblical?" he asks. "Can't people be serious without a bible?" Ally retorts and storms off.

Back at the office Ling is telling Richard that she and he should perform at the party. Richard points out that neither of them can sing. Ling suggests they lip-sync (mime to the technically uninitiated) so that they can be the centre of attention. Mark asks Elaine to come to the party with him. She asks whether he might still be troubled by her promiscuity, or her Vi-Bra, which she has thoughtfully adjusted so that it jingles.

Larry comes into Ally's office and asks her if she is worried. She admits she is a little. He says thank you to her for being nice to Jamie and then adds that he has invited her to attend the party with them. In her mind Ally throws Larry out of the window, but in reality tells him that this is no problem, provided he doesn't dance with her. He agrees. Ally asks him if she is jealous of her and Larry, but Larry says no as she dumped him. Ally is not impressed.

In court John is crossing the school principal, who confirms that Mr Porter is a great teacher, but that he is delusional. He admits he has done nothing to harm the children, but says he cannot take the chance that he might. John is trying to make the point that he has no cause for concern when a model steam train chugs through his legs and hits the stand. In a recess John tells Mr Porter that he is not making his job any easier. Mr Porter tells him that he was just trying to keep the spirit of Christmas alive. John tells him they can do without it in the courtroom.

Back in court a doctor is confirming that Mr Porter suffers from a disease called schizophrenaforum (that's funny the spellchecker doesn't like that?). It is a depression caused by the holiday season (heh we all get that!!). He tells the court that he is not harmful and that in fact it manifests itself in generosity, kindness and love. On cross-examination the doctor confirms that the problem appears to be getting worse. He had short spells last year when he though he was Santa Claus and last July he also thought he was Alvin the Chipmunk.

In Ally's office, Ling and Ally discuss Larry and Jamie. Ling tells her that it is a disaster, at which point Jamie herself appears. Ally forcibly removes Ling from her office so that she can talk to Jamie. She has just come to make sure that Ally doesn't mind her going to the party. Ally tells her it is OK through gritted teeth. Jamie asks her if she and Larry will marry, to which Ally fumbles a "No, I mean I don't know" answer. Jamie asks if they are sleeping together. Ally mumbles no and tells her she love her to come to the party to shut her up.

Ally immediately heads over to Larry's office to tell him that Jamie cannot come to the party as she believes that she is trying to get him back. When Larry can finally get a word in he tells her that he will call Jamie and tel her not to come. Ally stops him and says she can come, but that he must stay close to her.

During a break in the court hearing John tries to prepare Nelle's father for his testimony. He asks him if he has started making toys for Christmas, but Mr Porter explains that he doesn't do that any more. They are made by Toys R Us. He is retired, but is needed now more than ever so that people have something to believe in. 

Back in the courtroom John leads him through his evidence. He explains that before he was a teacher he was a lawyer, and that he used to make the presents in his sleep. He used to be transported to a magical world where the toys were made. Nelle looks on dressed in a roll of anaglypta wallpaper for some unfathomable reason. During cross-examination counsel asks Mr Porter how many children he has. He says three. "No four," says counsel triumphantly. Mr Porter is unphased and then recalls the young baby that he forget. He then goes on to name them all, much to Counsel's consternation. The judge then asks whether he has any children. "Yes one teenager and he doesn't like you" Mr Porter replies. Counsel says that he has obviously done some homework on them and attempts to move on. He asks what he tells his students when they ask what day it is. Mr Porter tells him that he says it is Christmas. Counsel asks him if today (11 December) is Christmas and, quoting from a poem, he replies that it depends on whether you can think about others rather than yourself. If so then it can be Christmas everyday.

In the bar the party has started and Elaine is singing "Rocking around the Christmas tree". Jamie is dancing with Mark. Ally and Larry are sitting together quietly.

Up in John's office Nelle tells John that it is all about her. She had liked Alvin the Chipmunk as a child and her parents had split up shortly after a Christmas, which her father had missed. She had been distraught and her mother had taken it out on her father. John tells her that her father had been quoting from a poem when he answered about it being Christmas every day. But he had left out the last line, which was that "You can never keep it alone"

Back at the bar, Richard and Ling are lip-synching to that old Christmas favourite "Hey Paula" No-one quite knows how to take them. Larry is at the bar getting some drinks when Jamie approaches him. He asks if she's OK and she says she's been better...when she was with him. She admits that there was no reason for her to come to Boston and that she just wants them to get back together and to be a family again. Ally sees them talking. Renee is now belting out a Christmas ballad as Larry tells jamie that they were always great when they were together in a bar, but were not in fact remotely compatible. Jamie is still trying to make her case, when Elaine interrupts to tell Larry that Ally has left. She jingles her boobs.

In the courtroom John and opposing Counsel are making their closing speeches. John argues that his client may be delusional, but that he has done nothing to warrant being dismissed. Indeed no-one has actually proved he isn't Santa Claus. John reads from a newspaper story at the end of the 19th century which confirmed to a child that Santa Claus existed as certainly as love and generosity and devotion. John says that Santa Claus lives in the heart of Henderson Porter.

Back at the bar again and its Vanda's turn. John has turned up. He has an hour while the judge decided on the case. Ally has returned to her office. In her office she is looking out of the window when Larry enters. She says she thought she'd leave he and Jamie to talk. She asks if they were talking about parenting and Larry tells her that Jamie wants them to be a family again. Ally asks what he said, and Larry responds, "I agreed that if there was anyway that we could work it out, we should". There is a pause and then he adds, "But I didn't think there was a way as I am so totally in love with someone else". Ally cries quietly. Larry reminds her that she told him that he would not be alone this Christmas, and they hug.

The judge has made his decision. There is no doubt that Mr Porter is ill and that the benefit of any doubt must go the children, but he says that there is a shortage of good teachers and he finds that there is no basis for the dismissal. Mr Porter shakes John's hand and Nelle eventually hugs her father and invites him to come and stay with her. She thanks John for his incredible heart and he tells her to let her father see hers.

In the bar Mark dances with Elaine, Richard dances with Ling and Ally dances with Larry. Meanwhile Nelle and her father walk home together and John walks alone giving out cash to charity collectors and various down and outs.

Jamie lingers at the entrance to the bar, watches Ally and Larry dancing together and then turns and leaves. Has Ally got her man........?

Love on Holiday (05/09/01)

David E Kelley's obsession with getting non-singers to sing continues as Larry strains to sing a Bruce Springsteen number (Sherry Darling for the aficionados) in the bar while the Cage & Fish mob look on adoringly. The words (I'm told) relate to a man suggesting that there is only room in his life for one woman and that he doesn't need a package deal. Kimmy and her mother begin to believe that Larry is singing about them. John squirms uneasily as he tries to reassure them he isn't.

Later that evening the girls are slumbering again at Ally's place. Ling cannot believe that she and Larry have not slept together yet. Ally tells Ling that she is not concerned and that you become patient when its the right one. At this point her blow-up companion automatically inflates in her bed. She tries to explain, but gives up with embarrassed laughter.

At the C&F breakfast meeting next day Richard tells the crew that its that Charity Auction time of year again and that the first two names out of the hat are up for it. He picks himself and Nelle. Nelle is not pleased and Richard asks Ling to make sure she bids on him so that he doesn't get stuck with a beast. Before Richard can go on John asks Ally if her "little squeezebox" was making fun of him and Kimmy. Ally explains that the song is a Bruce Springsteen creation and that she doubts he had them in mind at the time. John remains unimpressed. Elaine enters the meeting and informs them that they are being sued for sexual harassment by Peanut, a former librarian with the firm. The girls cannot believe anyone would have sexually harassed him, but Elaine admits it might have been her. Richard assigns Mark and Ling to the case.

After the meeting Ally goes into John's office only to find him pummeling out his frustrations with the big boxing gloves. Ally tries to calm him down. John admits that he is really upset because Kimmy takes her mother on all their dates. Ally suggests he tells Mommy that this is just unacceptable.

Mark, Ling and Richard are quizzing Elaine on the Peanut law suit. She admits that she constantly offered to sleep with him, but that this was a joke. She also has to accept that he ate the edible underwear that she had invented, but that it was of his own volition. Richard realises this is a serious lawsuit and takes Ling off the case and tells Mark to hire Larry Paul.

Nelle and Ling are in the unisex discussing the charity auction and point scoring against each other as usual. Ling suggests that if she was in the auction she'd make a huge amount for the charity. Nelle challenges her to take part and to see which one of them makes the most. Ling agrees.

Ally is walking aimlessly down the street, when she bumps into someone. Its Larry. They were both coming over to see each other. Ally wants to know what he's thinking, but he won't be drawn. Ally says she finds him hard to read. Earnestly he agrees to tell her one thing - he's freezing. They make their way back to C&F.

In the meeting room Larry, Elaine and Richard are quizzing Peanut and his lawyer - the not very comfortable Mr Spaner. Its an unofficial meeting which gets them nowhere. As it breaks up Mark Nad Larry leave the room and Larry bumps into John who advises him that he did not appreciate his little "package deal" the night before and that if he does it again he will answer to him. Larry looks flummoxed. 

Kimmy and her mother come into John's office and John quietly asks to speak with Kimmy alone. She says she wants her mother with her who may be able to resolve the problem. John tells them that mother is the problem. Kimmy is shocked and Mum asks for time to think the situation over. John agrees and they leave. John shadow boxes with pleasure at his courageous stand. 

Peanut comes into the office to be deposed. he tells them that Elaine made him wear the face bra, and although he admits it not overtly sexual it is still a bra. But the final straw was her Vi-Bra. In another room Elaine demonstrates her latest invention to Larry and Mark. Using the device she can make her breasts go up and down, side to side, vibrate and swell in size. Cellphones do tend to interview with the smooth running of the Vi-Bra however as she demonstrates.

At the charity auction the chestless Nelle (she could do with a Vi-Bra) is up for sale. She sells for $6,000, not helped by a dress obviously originally designed for Mary Hopkins. Ally and Renee look on with instructions to bid on Richard up to a level of $1,000.

Back in John's office Kimmy's Mum has come to see John. She tells him that Kimmy has relationship problems and that she is in therapy (aren't they all?), and she begs him to continue being tolerant with Kimmy. She asks if the three of them can talk it out, but John tells her that he will discuss it only with Kimmy.

Back at the auction its Richard's turn. The bidding soon gets beyond Ally's $1,000 limit, but all the bids are coming from guys. Richard is horrified and tries to encourage Ally to rescue him from this situation. Ally mischievously sticks to Richard's limit. Next up its the sultry Ling Woo, who quickly puts Nelle in the shade as she goes for $20,000.

Nelle is unimpressed by the whole date thing and takes her date into the office and tells him they can chat for 5 minutes to make it official. He is not happy, but she is unmoved and gives him a quick hug before returning to her desk. He suggests that her coldness is a sign that she has an intimacy disorder. She is stung by the suggestion and drags him back to kiss him to prove she has no problem. He tells her that intimacy is about receiving as well as giving and she tells him to kiss her then. He does and she melts into his arms as they kiss passionately.

In the next scene Nelle is at lunch with her date, Greg. They have been there for 3 hours. She tells him that she doesn't usually do this sort of thing and then out of the blue asks if he is dying. She explains that she is concerned she may never see him again. She is not used to these primal feelings she is having. He asks her what she would like to do if she were never going to see him again and she kisses him passionately in response.

When she finally returns to the office she discusses her date with Ling in the unisex. Nelle admits she wanted to do more. Richard enters flustered. His date, Paul, wants to take him to the bar, where he will be seen by everyone. Ling and Nelle tell him not to worry. Nelle says that she and Greg are going there too (is there nowhere else to go in Boston?)

Kimmy and John discuss her mother. John suggests that her overt chastity is merely a way of dealing with her intimacy problems. She accepts this may be the case and asks John if he will help her through it. He says he will try.

Mark is discussing her case with Elaine. He is cold and official as he suggests that they make an offer to settle. He admits to her that he has a problem with the Vi-Bra and the edible underwear. He doesn't like his date to be promiscuous. Larry comes to talk to Mark and asks if he's dating Elaine. He then talks to Ally, but Kimmy butts in and asks if Ally will act as her surrogate mother in the bar that evening. As Ally hesitates Larry tells her that they will both be there. 

In the bar Vanda is tonsil-bashing the microphone. Ally and Larry dance; Nelle and Greg dance - he's been counting the minutes they have known each other; Richard and Paul dance; John and Kimmy...well...move on the dance floor, Kimmy looking suspiciously like she is on acid. Over her shoulder John spots a women in dark glasses and bad wig. Its Kimmy's mum. John shrugs his shoulders and leaves.

Nelle can tell that there is something wrong with Greg. He admits she is right and that her intuition was right. He is not dying, but he is going away tomorrow. He euthanised (sorry this is his word, not mine - does it even exist?) a patient and is sentenced tomorrow to life imprisonment. Bummer.

Next morning Nelle discusses her date with Ling in her office. She explains Greg's situation and tries to put a brave face on it. Ling says she could visit him in prison, but Nelle explains that he doesn't want this. "Funny huh?", says Nelle. "Hilarious", replies Ling in what almost passes for compassion.

Richard enters the office wearing a silly hat and dark glasses and makes straight for his office. Kimmy and her mum meet John as they exit the lift and he takes them into his office. Kimmy tells him that she didn't know her mother was there, but John is not buying that. He tells her its over. "Are you dismissing me?", she asks. "Without prejudice", he cagily replies. Both Kimmy and her mum peck him on the cheek as they leave.

Peanut is back to finish his deposition and Larry asks him what has changed in a week. He suggests that it was because he found out that Elaine was going out with Mark and that he loves her. Peanut admits to having feelings for her and being deeply hurt by the fact that he is the only man she will not sleep with. Elaine is hurt by his assertion that she is a tramp and says that he was just not her type. "Everyone is your type Elaine, except me."

In court Greg is being sentenced. The judge indicated her admiration for him but can pass no other sentence but life. Nelle slips into the back of the court and watches as Greg kisses his parents goodbye. She smiles at him and he smiles back.

In Ally's office, Larry and Ally discuss Elaine's case, which Larry has settled, having worked out that Peanut was in love with Elaine. Ally comments that Larry is very intuitive about people's feelings. He apologises for the slow development of their own relationship, but admits to being scared after opening up to her the previous week. Ally tells him its Ok to take it slow and offers to cook them a meal that evening.

Cindy (remember the one with the penis) enters Richard's office. He scuttles to hide under his desk. When he emerges she apologises as she set up the gay bidders at the auction to get at him for his homophobic views. He is relieved to think that Paul wasn't gay, but she tells him that he really is. Richard puts his dark glasses back on but grudgingly admits he was a good dancer.

As Cindy leaves Mark bumps into her. "How's it er.....?" he stumbles. "Hanging?" she finishes his question for him. They talk awkwardly as Elaine watches on. After Cindy leaves Mark goes over and apologises to Elaine and invites her out, but she says no, as she tries not to date men on the rebound.

As the man with the titles gets ready to do his job, John contemplates life alone in his office, Kimmy and her mum wander the streets together, Ally and Larry kiss tenderly, Cindy walks alone and Elaine wraps herself up to go home alone. Meanwhile Nelle discreetly watches on as Greg is taken away in handcuffs to start his life sentence.

'Tis the Season (29/08/01)

Its Christmas time and Ally and Larry are carrying home their 7 foot Christmas tree. Ally's in the festive spirit, but Larry admits that he has always hated Christmas, as he's always alone. Ally is shocked and tells him he won't be alone this Christmas.

At the Cage & Fish breakfast meeting next morning John explains about his new case. He is acting for ex WKGB newscaster Kendall Stephens against the tv station who sacked Kendall for announcing on air that there was no Santa Claus (if your under 7 and reading this then we're only joking). Ally is not happy that John has taken the case, but Ling and Nelle are all for it. 

As the meeting breaks up Larry comes into the office and he and Ally coo over each other, until Elaine tells them to break it up. Ally says there is something wrong with Elaine and makes off to sort it out. Richard saunters by and asks Larry if they have done it yet. He only needs to know so that it does not affect his young hungry litigators performance. Larry declines to answer.

Ally meanwhile asks Elaine why she is so upset about her and Larry. She admits she is tired of all the "sucky face happy pigs", and that Christmas just makes being on your own even worse. Larry enters the office and asks Elaine if she likes music, and that as she does she needs to find herself a song to make her feel better. He says he will arrange for her to sing in the bar. Elaine leaves a little happier and Ally smiles at Larry. She wonders why if he is so good at handling the Elaines and Kimmys of this world why he does not like Christmas. He doesn't answer.

In court they are showing Kendall Stephens' fateful broadcast. John suggests to him that he shattered a few myths there and he admits he did, but that children have a right to know about this fundamental lie which is perpetrated on them by their parents. It is a crushing blow to their relationship with their parents when they do eventually find out its not true.

That evening John and Kimmy are at dinner and they are discussing the case. John recounts how devastated he was when he found out having met two Santas in the street one after the other - one black, one white. He was prepared to suspend belief on the colour issue, but when the second one had no recollection of who he was he knew it was a lie. Kimmy admits it was a shock for her too, when she found out at her freshman's year at college (about 17 we guess). John points out that she must have had a very sheltered life, but to counteract his argument she admits to having dated a pop star at college. John is impressed, but Kimmy admits it didn't last long, after he asked her to touch his willy. In fact Kimmy says all of her former boyfriends were singers. She just loves singers. She asks John if he sings and he nervously makes up a story that he'd been in a band at college. Kimmy is delighted. She wants John to sing a song for her in the bar as her Christmas present. John tries to argue his way out of it, but gets overwhelmed.

Larry and Ally are at home watching "Miracle on 34th Street" on the tv, discussing Christmas and children. Ally says they really need to sort out his hatred for Christmas if they are to have kids. Larry drops his bombshell - "I have child". Ally turns off the tv. "I have a son. Seven years old". Ally asks why he hasn't told her before and he admits that he is ashamed that he does not see him all the time. He lives in Detroit with his mother. Ally is puzzled as his ex-wife lives in Boston, but then she realises that he has obviously had another relationship before his ex-wife. She looks stunned. "Merry Christmas" Larry whispers ironically.

Next morning John and Richard are discussing the singing corner that John has painted himself into. Richard's answer is for John to lie further to extract himself from it, but John is determined to tell Kimmy the truth. In the unisex Mark asks Elaine if she has chosen her song yet. She says not, and he asks her if it doesn't smack a little of desperation trying to find a song to cheer her up. She admits that after 7 years without a proper boyfriend she is desperate.

In court WKGB's Mr Stark give his evidence. He says Mr Stephens announcement was a breach of trust and mean-spirited. John crosses and he admits that the ratings didn't fall, but that children were devastated including his grandson Jacob, who was poleaxed by the news. He is next to give evidence.

Its lunchtime and Ally enters Larry's office. They kiss tenderly and Larry asks if she's OK. Ally admits that she would like to have been the first person Larry slept with, but that she has now lowered her sights and the only prerequisite for her lover is that she must love him. Larry admits that his Christmas blues are connected with his son, with whom he did all the usual Christmas things. Now he does not have him he just doesn't do Christmas.

John meanwhile is lunching with Kimmy, and her mother. Kimmy tells him that her mother usually comes along on all her dates as a chaperone. John tries to tell her that he's not a singer, but Kimmy and her mother just won't let him. Back at the office John is fraught and turns to Richard for help - never a great idea. Richard suggests he finds a song he can speak or without words, and promises to get John through it.

Elaine is rehearsing her song - "Tomorrow" from Annie. She gives the band a hard time. She leaves as Ally and Larry enter the bar. Ally has brought Larry to get him into the Christmas spirit. They sit together at the piano and they go through a variety of Christmas smashes, but they remind Larry of Sam, his son. Ally suggests they spend Christmas in Detroit, but Larry says Sam, and his mother go away for Christmas, but it was a nice idea. Ally leaves to pee ("how romantic" says Larry) and Larry sings a melancholy song to himself, which Ally catches the end of as she returns from the bathroom.

Still no work being done at Cage & Fish (just like a real law firm around Christmas time). Richard is now coaching John with the aid of a karaoke machine. "Who am I kidding?" asks John. "Girls", Richard replies. "That's how we get them to sleep with us". Session over Richard works on some insurance convincing Nelle and Ling to flirt with all the men in the bar, to make sure they whoop and cheer John's rendition.

In court Jacob is giving his evidence. He breaks down as he tells the court how he heard on tv that Santa Claus was not real. Ling cross-examines him and gets him to admit that many of the aspects about Santa Claus are clearly ridiculous - all those houses in one night, with just eight reindeer, and how big is his sack?? Asked what he really thinks of Santa Claus, he admits "Its stupid!"

Ally comes to take Larry to the bar to listen to Elaine. He's wearing a flashing red nose to show he's in the Christmas spirit, but Ally says she cannot take him seriously wearing a "blinking red nose", so he changes it to blue. They make their way to the bar, where Elaine is in full cry. Richard is unimpressed, but Kimmy and her mother sing along as John squirms beside them. In the end the whole bar sings along and applauds widely as Elaine finishes - even Ling claps her fingers together in grudging appreciation.

Next day in the court building Larry bumps into Kimmy and goes with her to listen to "her John's" summation (summing up to you and me). John suggests that Kendall was simply counselling children to indulge their parents over the Santa Claus fantasy. Its the adults that need Santa Claus. Larry looks on with the words having added meaning given his own situation with his son. John concludes that all children need is love, trust and the magic of parents. Kendall was trying to retain the true spirit of Christmas.

In the office Ally is telling Richard that he cannot let John sing, and Mark invites Elaine out on a date. "Its a stupid question, I know..." he says, but before he finishes Elaine tells him, "No, I don't have a penis". That out of the way they agree the time and place. Larry enters Ally's office and tells her that he thinks he'll give John's performance a miss as he just wants to be alone. 

In court the jury have brought in their verdict and its another defeat for The Biscuit. Kimmy's only concern is that it will affect his performance that evening.

And so to the bar. Nelle and Ling are flirting their whatsits off, and Ally is looking lost without Larry. As John's big moment arrive Nelle gets the audience going and the diminutive figure of John Cage comes on stage dressed in black leather, with black vest and bandana (sounded even better when I wrote "banana") - a sort of Mark Knoppfler, Bruce Springsten, dachshund cross. The crowd go wild and John does his bit. They are all impressed, which could explain the dire straits (no pun intended) of music in the US. In particular Kimmy and her mother love it.

Ally and Renee return home and Larry is there. He's decided he doesn't want to be alone anymore. Renee makes her excuses and leaves (earplugs and a good book no doubt at hand). Earplugs needed as Larry and Ally sit at the piano and crucify "White Christmas", but heck they are in love, so they probably think they are both in tune.

The Last Virgin (22/08/01)

Ally is in her flat watching an instructional video on how to kiss. Renee watches her from the door before asking "What in God's name..? Ally is embarrassed, but explains that tomorrow is her big date with Larry - her third - and she expects to kiss, but she thinks that she may have forgotten how.

Next day Ally is in the lift going up to work. She is smiling to herself. As she breezes into her office Elaine hands her a coffee, but her good mood is soon shattered as she is confronted again by the puritanical Kimmy Bishop. Kimmy explains that she wants to hire Ally to pursue her case against her old law firm for failing to make her a partner due to her views. Only trouble for Ally is that Larry is for the other side. Ally discusses the ethics of the case with Richard and John, and John agrees to lead, with Ally as second chair.

Ally goes to see Larry to make sure that he does not object. Both want to know how the other would handle it if they lose, but after scoring a couple of points over Ally, Larry agrees there is no problem.

In the unisex Ling is doing her make-up. Ally comes in and attempts to make polite conversation, but its obvious she wants to talk to Ling. Ally asks if she remembers the time they kissed. Ling confirms that she does. Ally says that she is a good kisser, but that she is scared to death of kissing Larry. Ling advises her "not to plunge". At this moment John enters and as he goes to pass Ling she grabs him by the head to demonstrate. After pulling him this way and that she plants a long kiss on his mouth as Richard watches on in horror in the background. Ling then passes John on to Ally, but John evades her with "I'm not a kissing test dummy".

Richard is distraught and asks Ling to explain why she kissed his best friend. John appears and Richard shoos him away angrily. Ally meanwhile is trying to illicit the help of Mark on the kissing front when Larry and his client, Mr Peterson, arrive for depositions. Larry again instructs Ally to be quiet and let him do the talking. She thinks about it for a moment and then reminds him they are on opposite sides on this one. He feigns realisation.

Larry starts off at breakneck speed into Kimmy, who is determined not to be tripped up this time, but before too long John intervenes with the slowly poured glass of water technique. He gets their attention and then starts slowly to explain that court proceedings are about truth and perception. The truth is out there, but it is perception which wins. He suggests that the court will perceive Mr Peterson's firm as having fired Kimmy for being too virtuous. He ends up with his face almost in front of Mr Peterson's, until Larry interjects "Can you please lean back we can see the bristle on your lip". John's lip quivers.

In the bar that evening Ally is dancing with Larry. Obviously ther is little heating as Larry is wearing a fine ensemble including a t-shirt, jumper and jacket. Mark asks Elaine to dance too and she does. Could this be the start of something?

Meanwhile John is discussing Kimmy's case with her in his office. They talk frankly and he indicates that she has an alienating personality, with which he can empathise having been similar himself. He coaches her that she needs to be more relaxed. "There is a wonderful girl in there Kimmy. You just have to let her out".

Larry has walked Ally back to her flat, but says that because of the case he will have to go. Ally surreptitiously swishes mouthwash in anticipation of their kiss, but when it comes to it Larry simply kisses her on the forehead and leaves. She bangs her head against the wall in frustration.

Next day John is taking Kimmy through her evidence. She is quiet and confident as she explains that she was too prudish to be made a partner. Larry then cross-examines her. She has to accept that she did remove all the mistletoe from the office before the Christmas party (not a bad idea actually); and that she complained about the length of the secretaries' skirts; and that she has a bumper sticker which says "Virgins Rule"; and finally, as she admits to having been arrested for civil disorder after protesting at a play called "The Vagina Monologues", and that her nickname is "The Perfect One", her own nervous eye twitch becomes very apparent.

During a break Ally corners Larry and says that he was too harsh on Kimmy, particularly bringing up the nickname. Larry is unrepentant and Ally storms off. John passes and advises that Larry go after her, but he simply says "I don't do that".

In the office Richard chats to Nelle in the unisex about what to do about Ling. He thinks the spark has gone. Nelle tells him to find himself a song, like John had. "It has to beat being yourself," she adds helpfully as she leaves him.

In court Mr Peterson is on the stand and Larry is taking him through his evidence. Kimmy was a good lawyer, but she was too judgmental. John crosses him. Three hundred employees and he couldn't make way for a virgin. He asks a string of questions, but doesn't wait for the answers, and then withdraws them anyway. "Redirect?" he enquires of the sitted Larry, who indicates no. "Seems not," John continues. "Even your own lawyer has no use for you".

That evening Ally calls at Larry's office and apologises for her behaviour outside the court. She explains that she was disappointed they had not kissed the night before. Larry says he didn't want to rush it. Ally suggests that maybe they should cool it. She admits to being terrified to kiss him, and that she has been obsessing about having forgotten how to kiss. Larry suggests this may be symbolic of something more - perhaps she has forgotten how to love. Ally doesn't know what to make of this - insightful, rude or rubbish. She leaves. "I talk too much" says Larry to himself.

Next day John is closing to the jury. Its not his best. He suggests that Kimmy was denied a partnership because her lifestyle was not wild enough. Larry then closes and seems to comment more on his view of Ally than on the case. He suggests that Kimmy has been rejected all her life, has become comfortable with failure, and that the blame is really on her. All looks on as second chair.

In the unisex Richard is trying to find his song. He runs through a few, not knowing that Ling is watching on from one of the stalls. Eventually he gets to "Its not unusual" by Tom Jones, when Ling stops him. He asks her if the magic has gone. She suggests that there relationship is meant to be tepid. Richard says he wants it hot. Ominously Ling says he can have it HOT.

At Kimmy's trial the jury have returned and find in favour of the defendant. Kimmy is resigned to it, but thanks John for his words about her, which he confirms he meant. She invites him to dinner as they twitch in nervous unison. Ally meanwhile has tried to chase after Larry, but failed to catch him. Instead she meets Renee and questions whether she will ever be happy.

Later that evening Ally is working in her office when Larry rings. She is cool with him and agrees that they should perhaps get together sometime. As Vanda warbles "Try to Remember" Larry appears in Ally's office. He tells her he is not scared of their relationship. Ally warns him that she is demented, self-obsessed, vain, beautiful (told you I was vain), and incapable of letting herself be loved. Larry confirms they will have to work on that last one. They kiss tenderly and then hug and gently dance.

Down in the bar Richard dances with Ling, John dances with Kimmy. 

Back in the office Larry and Ally continue to sway. Larry confirms he will see her tomorrow and the day after that....aaahhhh.......

Without a Net (15/08/01)

Ally is at dinner with her father and son combo - Michael & Jonathan. She'd like to have the smart answer, but just excuses herself to go pee. As she comes back from the bathroom she bumps into an old law school colleague, Kimmy Bishop, who is at dinner with her Massachusetts Women of Virtue Bar Chapter. She introduces Ally as an old law school buddy, but Ally shows her contempt for her with a put down suggesting that Kimmy passed her spermicide under the table and then munched on her boyfriend. Ally leaves her to return to her dates.

At the table Michael says he has no intention of competing with his son for a woman and will not take matters further. Jonathan indicates that he does not want a woman, who finds his father attractive. He excuses himself and leaves. Michael too decides he cannot eat with Ally and leaves.

Back at Ally's flat (sorry apartment) the girls are having another slumber party. The doorbell rings and its Jonathan. He doesn't realise the girls can hear and insists on telling Ally that she might just be the one. He also asks if she just likes his father or is actually sexually attracted to him. He then notices the girls - how could you fail to notice Elaine in skimpy knickers and short camisole top. Do girls really dress like that at slumber parties? Ally says she'll get back to him on that one and he leaves.

Next day Ally is walking to work when she bumps into Kimmy Bishop again. Kimmy is not best pleased with Ally's comments the previous day and tells Ally she has just come from her office where she has dropped off a complaint and summons against Ally for defamation. She calls Ally a bitch and Ally explains the reason for the remark to a passing Nun is due to the fact that her diaphragm is too tight. Ally stomps off and bumps literally into Larry. They chat and Ally begins to hear "I got sunshine". She explains that Brian is no more and that she is now dating a father and son. "If you need a sympathetic ear, I can fake it," says Larry and they make their separate ways to work, but Ally now with a smile on her face.

At the morning meeting Richard asks about Ally's lawsuit and then Nelle indicates that she has a problem with Mark dating the she-male Cindy. She suggests it is because Mark's credibility as a litigation lawyer will be compromised, but Mark tells her it is his private business.

As the meeting breaks up Elaine enters and advises Ally that Michael is there to see her. He too apologises for the previous evening's walkout. He tells her that he and Jonathan have agreed that she might be something special and that one of them should have her. She hears herself saying that the only way she'll be able to judge is to continue to date them both, although "no saliva or bodily fluids (isn't saliva a bodily fluid?) will be exchanged", until she has narrowed the field down to just one. He can have the first date that evening. As he leaves Ally cannot believe what she has just done and repeated bangs her head against the doorframe.

Ally is then discussing the ethics of her dating father and son at the same time with John, when Richard interrupts with news that her salary has been garnished by Kimmy (ie he cannot pay her anymore). Ally is livid and tells Elaine she wants to respond.

As they walk off Cindy emerges from the lift and startles Nelle as she gets in. She chats with Mark and then they kiss. Richard and John are watching from the other side of the office and as they break off and look at them, they both turn towards each other and walk into each other (looked much funnier than it sounds when you try and distill it into words). Cindy goes to get into the lift and Nelle is still there. She is startled again by Cindy, who stands close to her and says forthrightly "My penis makes you nervous". Nelle is too shocked to respond.

Ally has gone over to see Larry. Again she hears "I Got sunshine" when she sees him. She says she wants to hire him. He agrees and she makes to leave. He asks if there is anything she'd like to tell him, but she says no. He suggests she might like to tell him what the case is about. She does mentioning the spermicide and the diaphragm digs. She says she wants the garnishee order lifted and Larry quickly tells her he'll get them into court that afternoon on the basis that the defamation laws are gender bias. It will show they mean business. Ally admits that her digs were untrue.

Mark goes in to ask John for his advice, but he is hanging upside down. John dismounts with some style from his contraption. Mark asks for an honest impartial opinion and John gives it. "Dump it", he says. Mark admits that he could never have sex with Cindy, but John says that although platonic relationships have worked, this one has a problem. "She has a penis!" he screams at him.

In court Kimmy comes over to talk to Ally before proceedings commence. She says she knows what they are up to. Judge Walsh wants to know why they have filed a motion to dismiss on the same day that the complaint was submitted. Larry indicates that the law is gender biased and outdated, but opposing Counsel indicates that Ally impuned his client's chastity when suggesting she slipped her spermicide and munch on her boyfriend. This is the first Larry has heard of the boyfriend dig. He asks Ally if she forgot to tell him something. "Whatever" she replies. The motion is denied and Larry turns to Ally angry that she didn't give him full instructions. When he was strict with her she knew she liked him. She worries this may mean that she wants to be spanked (bring on John with his hairbrush...). Larry hands Kimmy a notice of deposition for the next morning.

Back at Cage and Fish John goes into Mark's office and apologises for imposing his bigotry on Mark and his situation. He tells how he once dated a boy and then later a woman with a moustache. They even went to a therapist to try and cope and he suggests this may help Mark and Cindy, and gives them the therapist's card.

That evening Ally is out with Michael, who is back at the piano doing Neil Diamond. Ally realises the spark has gone. Back at her apartment Ally discusses the evening with Renee. She hasn't dumped Michael yet, as she needs time to deal with the lawsuit against her. Renee asks why she instructed Larry and not her. Ally cannot really give her a proper answer. "Larry is so yummy" she slobbers. Renee says she has checked him out and he is married. Ally walks out of the room shocked and once again resorts to headbutting the door furniture.

Next morning Ally storms into Larry's office still angry and upset, but she does not explain this to Larry. Larry tells her that he can handle the lawsuit and that dating father and son is no big deal. They leave to go back to Ally's office where Larry has arranged for Kimmy's deposition to be taken.

Meanwhile Mark and Cindy have gone to see John's shrink. The room is full of odd couples (and we are not talking about Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau lookalikes). Cindy is appalled and leaves telling Mark that if he thinks she is a freak then they should forget.

Ally and Larry walk into Cage and Fish's office. Elaine wants to know who Larry is, so do Nelle and Ling. Larry tells Ally he can make the lawsuit go away if she keep quiet during the deposition. They go in and Larry gets straight into it. Larry asks Kimmy if people really think of her as chaste. She says they do. He asks if any of the Virtue Club would have believed any of the things Ally said. She is happy to admit that they would never have believed such things of her. Larry stands and says the deposition is over. Ally smiles.

That evening Ally is in the bar on her date with Jonathan. As they chat she sees Larry enter the bar with Nelle. She is clearly ruffled and goes over to talk to Larry. As she pulls him aside Elaine makes eyes at Jonathan. Ally asks what is happening and he explains Nelle asked him out. Ally suggests he should have declined as he is a married man. But he explains he is divorced. She changes tack to it being inappropriate as Nelle works with her, but then Nelle comes to drag him away. Ally returns to Jonathan but can't stop watching Larry.

Next morning Mark is discussing his situation with Richard. "Woman should be obscene and not heard - Fishism," he says. "And Cindy is obscene". Cindy appears and Richard quickly leaves. Cindy asks if Mark thinks she is a freak, but he does not answer, simply saying he could never have sex with her. Cindy realises its over and storms out, bumping into Richard listening at the door. "For all your help" she says as she plants a long kiss on Richard's mouth. He runs to the bathroom squealing.

Meanwhile Ally quizzes Nelle about her date with Larry, but she is non-committal. Larry and Ally then go into their settlement meeting with Kimmy following the previous day's successful deposition. Larry suggests to Kimmy that if she were to fight this case that her otherwise trusting friends might begin to believe that there was something in Ally's accusations. What she really wants is an apology. Kimmy agrees and Ally complies through gritted teeth. Kimmy accepts the apology and attorney fees. Ally is livid.

Larry follows her into her office. She asks if he is going out with Nelle again that evening. "No actually her mother," he replies sarcastically. Then Larry agrees to dump Nelle and she agrees to ditch the father and son team and they will go out that evening.

In the bar Larry and Ally dance. Nelle and Ling watch on, as Richard sprays his throat, even though it doesn't hurt. Renee and Elaine watch the dancing pair. " I think they like each other," says Renee. Meanwhile an almost topless Vanda croons away at the mike.

Later in the street Ally says its nice to walk alone and reflect on the day, but that that will have to wait..........she's with Larry. Aaaahhhh...... 

Two's A Crowd (08/08/01)

Ally is just dotting the "i"s and crossing the "t"s on a settlement with fellow lawyer Michael, who is about 50. He smiles and she realises she is attracted to him. She jokes that he must be unmarried or has just beaten cancer. He replies that he was married, but that his wife died of cancer. Despite this he offers Ally dinner and she finds herself accepting - her first date with an old person.

Ling is discussing her case with her client, Wanda Spickett. Co-counsel Nelle enters and they discuss the merits of trying to sue a doctor who was running a "How to Satisfy Your Man" course, which has apparently led to him leaving the rather objectionable Wanda. Wanda is adamant that having been on the course and followed the guidelines to be submissive he then walked out on her. Ling asks her "Are you sure he didn't leave you just for being unattractive?" She thinks not and wants to sue.

In Ally's office Richard is trying to resolve the Cindy penis issue. In breach of his client's confidentiality he tells Ally of his dilemma. She is speechless.

Later that evening Ally is waiting for her aged date at the restaurant. He is late, but a rather attractive young man is mistakenly shown to her table. She rues the fact that she is dating someone as the man is shown another table. Michael appears and initially their conversation is rather stilted, but then they discover they both like disco (hardly the basis for a stable relationship you would have thought, but then who said Ally was stable?).

Sitting at the bar Nelle is talking to Elaine. She wants Elaine to enrol for the next session of the good doctor's "How to Satisfy a Man" course. She needs her as an independent witness. Only when she pleads with her does she agree.

As Ally walks home with her date various fit hunky men appear around every corner, including one carrying his surf board, but she sticks with Michael and his smile.

Back at the bar Mark and Cindy are dancing and kissing. Cindy tries again to tell him, but just can't bring herself. He promises her he's going nowhere. Richard meanwhile squirms awkwardly at the other side of the bar.

Renee and Ally are talking in bed. Ling enters the room, then Elaine and then Nelle. Its another sleepover for sad women. They ask Ling her secret for keeping her man (Is Richard really that much of a catch?). She says every man is different, but with Richard she tapes $100 to her privates for the day and when she takes them off at night she smells of money, which drives him mad. Please don't try this at home.......

In the office next day Richard takes Mark to one side. He is trying to warn him off Cindy, but Mark is unmoved. "Cindy has an arrow", he tells him obliquely. Ally passes and Richard follows her and asks her if she has any suggestions. Ally says he should not tell Mark. John then enters the office and Richard tells him of Cindy's extra limb. John can do nothing but whistle through his nose.

Later Ally is walking down the street when she inadvertently bumps into a young man. Its the man from the restaurant. (Please suspend belief here as it gets worse later) They exchange apologies and he says he believes in fate and therefore asks her to dinner. Despite the fact that she never juggles with two men - an interesting concept though - she accepts his invitation. He is called Jonathan and he's a lawyer (yawn). At lunch with Michael she hardly listens to him, but nods, smiles and laughs occasionally when she thinks it appropriate, even when it isn't.

Nelle, Ling and Elaine are at a packed "How to Satisfy Your Man" seminar run by Dr Shirley Grouper. She tells them all that they need to be submissive and pamper to their man's needs. She then takes the mike and begins to sing her message. Nelle and Ling are disgusted (not sure if its by the voice or the message), but Elaine seems mesmerised. She has to be dragged away.

Cindy is doing her make-up in the unisex and Ally and Renee are discussing truth in relationships. Renee is against it. They emerge from the separate cubicles and continue their discussion next to Cindy. Renee tells Ally that she sometimes tells them she is a virgin or even that she has not seen a "peppermint stick" before. Cindy thinks they are getting at her and storms off. Ally runs after her and explains that Renee did not know, but that she does. Ally tells her she should tell Mark, because he is in love with her.

Later Ally discusses her duplicity with Elaine, who is impressed. It then becomes clear that Ally is double-booked that evening, but she decides she can cover both dates. As she leaves Ally bumps into Mark, who is very down in the mouth. He has spoken to Cindy who wants to meet to talk with him. He thinks she is about to dump him. Ally tells him not to jump to conclusions.

Ally has an early dinner with Michael and following the conversation with Renee she asks him if he has lied to her. To her surprise he admits he has. She thinks its about the death of his wife, but he assures her it was not. The truth is that he cannot stand disco. In fact he admits his favourite artist is Neil Diamond. When he was a keyboard player in a band a Neil Diamond song always go the crowd going. Ally asks him to show her what he means.

At the office a furious Dr Grouper is in to make her deposition. She justifies her course to Nelle and Ling, not on the basis that its good for women, but that that is what men want. She'd be happy to go to court as the real reason Wanda's husband left her would no doubt come out. Her guess would be that he got his eyesight back.

Its early evening and Cindy comes into Mark's office. Again she tries to tell him, but just can't do it. She asks if they can just go out, have dinner and dance. They kiss. Richard walks in and swiftly out again.

At the piano in the restaurant Michael sings "Sweet Caroline" and has the whole restaurant singing along. Ally admits she has something for him (hopefully a gag), but then realises she has another date. She is then seen in the bar with Jonathan. Mark is dancing with Cindy and she suddenly jumps back from their embrace. Mark wants to know what is wrong. She cannot tell him. He asks for a clue. She gets him to hold her close, and then closer still and then he feels the problem. "Surprised?" she asks nervously. Mark says nothing and staggers out of the bar.

Next morning Mark is with Richard in his office. "These things happen," he says profoundly. Mark is not so sure. Then Richard becomes unusually serious. He reminds Mark how difficult it is to find someone you care about and who cares about you. He shouldn't throw this relationship away. Instead he should use Cindy to attract other women, "ones without  meat whistles". Mark is unconvinced.

In the reception area Elaine tells Ally that Jonathan has come to see her and has brought her flowers. Michael suddenly appears and Ally tells Elaine to keep Jonathan in the unisex. Michael asks Ally to dinner again and while she thinks of her reply Elaine is failing to prevent Jonathan from leaving the bathroom. In desperation she jumps on him and clings to his leg. He emerges from the unisex dragging Elaine behind him. Ally shoos Michael out and accepts his invitation of a meal with his two children. She turns to Jonathan and Elaine and calls off Elaine her Guard Secretary. Jonathan also asks her out that night but she declines, but agrees to go the following evening.

In another office Ling and Nelle are discussing Wanda's case with her erstwhile husband. He sits before them and gets smaller and smaller as he admits to being a weak man, who never loved his wife, but was too scared of her to tell her. Only when she became submissive could he really tell her what he thought. He asks them not to tell his wife that he never loved her. He leaves and Wanda comes in and wants to know what he said. Nelle advises her she may have a claim, but that it would be difficult to make.

Mark knocks at Cindy's door. He apologises for running off, but then asks her if she'd like to go out with him. "As hard as I try I can't see you as anything......other than a woman. A woman I want to continue to see." They hug.

Ally is at dinner with Michael and his daughter. His son then appears....its Jonathan, of course. A la The Biscuit, Ally's nose whistles......to be continued next week.

Girls Night Out (01/08/01)

Its Halloween and the girls are having a slumber party, supposedly to cheer up Ally, but they are all watching a horror movie and are ignoring Ally's pathetic attempts to confirm that she's OK.

At the next morning's office meeting Richard offers Ally his condolences on her recent break-up with Brian and then swiftly moves. John & Nelle are going to be against Georgia and Renee. Richard asks John if he might be bringing the client into the office first, but Nelle says no. Ling gets upset that Richard is attracted to her, but Richard says its not him, but John that has the hots for her. John stammers a denial. Ally announces the first meeting of the Cage & Fish Women's Bar Association in her office later that morning. Brian arrives to see Ally.

Ally speaks to Brian in her office. He apologises for shouting at her, but he still doesn't understand why she broke up with him. Ally explains that she is more afraid of ending up with the wrong man than being alone and that she knows when its not right.

In another room in the office Richard and Ling are speaking to an attractive female client (Cindy) who has apparently been sacked for refusing a physical. She says she's really like a female lawyer to deal with the case as there are some sensitive issues, but Richard insists that he stays on the case and confirms that anything she tells them is confidential. She then tells them that the reason she did not want to take the physical was because they would have discovered that she is a man. Richard and Ling spit their mouthfulls of coffee over her in their surprise. Richard in particular cannot believe it, but suggests he feels her breasts for research purposes.

In court Georgia is examining a witness called Chris, who tells her that he was working late when his boss, the gorgeous Myra Robbins, represented by John and Nelle, brushed his arm deliberately. He felt a chemistry and she then fondled his groin and they then made love. John squeaks excitedly in his chair as Myra brushes his arm. John says that a month later she wanted to have sex again, but he felt pressurised and left. Nelle crosses him and mocks the fact that he was forced to have sex with a beautiful woman.

Back at the office Richard and Ling are showing Cindy out, confirming that they will seek an injunction on the grounds of an invasion of privacy. Mark Albert walks by and clocks the good-looking Cindy.

In Ally's office the girls are together again, including Nelle, Georgia and Renee (aren't they supposed to be in court somewhere?). Ally explains that after last night she realised that they were all ignoring their personal lives and that life was richer if you shared it. They should therefore be proactive in finding themselves partners. She gets a mixed response. She says she will ask Mark Albert, as an eligible male, how they can go about meeting eligible males. The meeting breaks up and Richard tumbles through the door as they open it to leave. Richard says he's surprised at Ally as he didn't think she needed a man. "I don't," she says, "but I want one".

Cindy is checking her face in the unisex when Mark walks in. He tries to chat her up, but she thinks he knows about her real identity. She's about to get cross when he says that he just wants a date. She says she doesn't think that's a good idea leaves. Elaine emerges from a stall and Mark asks how he did. She advises him to keep working on her as she didn't exactly say no.

In court John is stumbling through his examination of Myra, obviously unnerved by her overt sexuality. She admits she is a sexual predator, but does not pressurise people into having sex with her.

In another court room Richard is flannelling his way through his application for an injunction. He pleads the 1st, 2nd and 4th amendments - perm any one from three. Opposing Counsel tries to explain what Richard was saying to the judge. The judge is confused. Opposing Counsel explains that he has been up against Mr Fish before and it usually helps him to win his case if the judge understands what Mr Fish is saying. To Richard's delight they get their injunction.

Ally speaks to Mark about meeting eligible men, but he's not too helpful, saying that men just want to meet models, but that when his bar-owning friend has model nights its just the men that turn up. Ally thanks him for nothing, but then has an idea and rushes off. Richard, Ling and Cindy return and Richard announces they are going to the bar to celebrate his great victory.

In the bar Ally tells the girls of her plans for a models night in the bar, but that there won't be any models, just them. Mark is chatting with Cindy and asks her to dance with him. Richard and Ling watch unsure of what to do.

The barefoot Biscuit is working on his closing in his office when the steamy Myra walks in. She apologises for having come onto him in court. She goes to leave but his nose whistles and she returns. She suggests tea sometime and he nods meekly. She kisses him. She wants tea now...............

Back at the bar Mark and Cindy seem to have hit it off and he offers to walk her home. Richard wants to tell Mark of Cindy's true identity, but Ling says he can't under confidentiality rules.

Next morning John is talking to Richard. He's troubled. He slept with Myra. Richard is almost proud of him. John is concerned about his breach of the rules. Mark appears and John disappears. Richard tells Mark that he cannot date Cindy as she's a client. Marls not convinced by Richard's sudden propriety and asks what the real reason is. He almost tells him she's a man, but says she's a virgin. Cindy suddenly appears behind Richard and is furious. They go into Richard's office and she yells at him for almost telling Mark her secret and tells Richard she'll tell him in her own time.

In the sexual harassment case Georgia closes suggesting that if it was a man preying on his female workers it would definitely be harassment, so what's different in this case. John stands to close for Myra and screams "Because its different!!!" and then goes on to explain that men and women generally have a different attitude to sex and that they should not penalise his client for being sexually forward. As he sits down Myra fondles his bum.

In the bar its models night and "Raining Men" is the theme (thankfully no Geri Halliwell in sight). All the girls are surrounded by good looking hunks and Mark is with Cindy. Larry is there and so is Brian. Ally is dancing provocatively with several men (which is obviously making her hair curl). Brian takes the microphone and ironically suggests they thank Ally for organising the evening, especially so soon after their break-up. He leaves.

The next morning Myra comes into John's office to walk with him to court. John suggests they go out for a meal to celebrate if they win. Myra is cool on the idea. The Biscuit is crushed (so to speak). Nelle comes in to tell them the jury are back.

Ally goes to see Brian and explains what was behind the evening and apologises as it was disrespectful to their relationship, which she did not mean to trivialise.

In court the jury find in Myra's favour. She thanks John and indicates that she'd quite like to have sex with him again. He tells her that he's not that type of guy.

In the bar Mark is dancing with Cindy. She tries to tell him.."I have a past...", but he's not interested. They kiss and Richard is horrified.

Ally goes in to see John in his office. She says she misses him and he says the same. Ally asks if he remembers when they danced and he says he does. She asks if they could dance again and to the strains (a carefully chosen word) of Vanda, they do.......

Sex Lies & Second Thoughts (01/08/01)

Our pert little paranoid friend is back in a huge series of shows (23 in all), oh and Ally's in the series with John too.

Ally has a boyfriend, Brian (remember him the boring Englishman) and they are in the bar celebrating 6 months of being together. Well he is anyway. He places a sapphire ring on her finger and asks her to mmm...ove in with him. Obviously a quaint (if somewhat expensive American tradition). Ally is stunned and asks for time to think it over.

Back at home with the chestily challenged Renee (do you think she got Ally and Nelle's share) they agree that the only person who can decide for Ally whether she should move in with Brian is her therapist.

At Fish & Cage the morning meeting is called to order by Richard. John has a difficult annulment case and plans to throw his nasal whistlings as a advocacy tactic (all's fair in love and law). Ally announces that Brian has asked her to move in and the crew are underwhelmed, especially Nelle.

John discusses a $700,000 settlement with his client Maureen, who turns out to be an old friend. She continually interjects as he tries to put explain why she should take it and he snaps at her. She's looking to annul her marriage on the basis that her husband never loved her. She refuses the offer.

Ally enters the old office of Tracey, her therapist, but is greeted instead by Larry Paul (Robert Downey Junior). Tracey has moved to Foxborough, but has left Ally's file. In fact its the only file she's left, with the message that "If its an emergency...tough". Larry introduces himself and asks if he can help. Ally tells him of her dilemma, and Larry immediately advises that she should not move in as Brian obviously does not want to marry her. Ally is taken aback and Larry goes on to ask how the sex is. She balks, but finally admits its not great. He advises her that she should tell him, but let him down gently. 

In court John takes Maureen threw her evidence. She and her dishy husband had not made love often. He'd said he had a low libido, but she discovered he had a lover. She suggests their marriage was a sham and that he only married her for her money.

Brian calls on Ally in her office. He wants to know why she cannot give him an answer. She tells him that he's not very good at sex. He asks whether she's capable of having good sex. She says that they just don't seem to generate any heat.

Back in court Maureen is cross-examined by Raditz. She has to admit that her husband was not cheating on her at the time of their marriage, but she says that what she wanted was honesty. Raditz twists this to a conclusion that any couple who are not honest should be entitled to have their marriage annulled. She cannot respond.

Back in the office John comforts Maureen who is very down about her frumpy appearance. She thinks she must have been very naive to think her good-looking husband ever loved her. As she heads for the bathroom Richard passes her. "Beast" he comments and is cuffed by John. John asks him to feign interest in her to help her. "But she's a hamster, John" he whinges, but he does his best anyway when she returns. She's not sure what is happening, but John tries to encourage her to believe in herself. "Sexiness is mental", he tells her.

Ally returns to see Larry and to give him a piece of her mind. She says sex is over-prioritised and that he's a typical male. Larry responds and suggests she's repressed. "You are the biggest ass I have ever met," she replies. "Perhaps this is the point where you kiss it goodbye," is his comeback line. She leaves. True Mills & Boon style.

Renee is chatting with Ally in her office and asks if she is going to back to him. Ally says she is not even going to pay his bill, talking of Larry. Renee indicates that she meant Brian and wants to know why she is always talking about this therapist. Ally asks if Brian is really dull - already knowing the answer. Renee confirms he is and Ally has to agree, "but the therapist was really cute" she muses.

In court Maureen's husband is giving his evidence and is then cross-examined by John. He has to admit to having had relationships with only models except for Maureen and then tries to address a comment to Maureen herself - "Please don't speak to my client," says the Biscuit. "Address your lies to me". What you wouldn't give as a lawyer to be able to use that line in court for real.

Ally just can't stay away from Larry and is once again at his office and apologises for calling him an ass. She admits confusing euphoria with love and confirms she has told Brian that the sex was bad, but that he still seems to waiting for an answer. Larry advises her that men cannot take hints and that she needs to be brutal and blunt or he'll keep pursuing her.

Back at Fish & Cage Maureen is in the foyer with John when Richard walks past and growls. Maureen follows him into his office and, much to Richard's consternation, starts to strip lasciviously (don't you just love that word?) and to mime along to Barry White. Richard screams.......

......John asks her what she was thinking and she indicates that she thought that if she acted in a more overtly sexual way that she'd feel better about herself. She has been hit hard by the criticisms that have been made of her in the court. John says he did warn her and that he will have to say some more harsh things in closing. Does she want to throw in the towel. She says no, she needs to win.

Following Larry's advice Ally has now gone to Brian's office. She returns his ring. He is shocked as he realises that she is dumping him. He then becomes angry and yells at her, telling her to lose his number. She tries to reason with him and apologise but he just tells her to "Get the Hell out of her. Get out. Get lost." She leaves shaken at his violent reaction.

In court John is closing. Always a highlight of any AM episode. "Everybody in this room knows what happened here!" John says to the jury. "Look at him... the charming, broke, good-looking guy and the plain, fat rich girl. He got to pay all of his debts, move into the big house, drive the Jaguar (pronounced Jagwar by the way), redesign the master bath while SHE went to work each day. Telling her he's just not into sex, all the while having an affair with a wet T-shirt model. That's flat-out fraud. He testified he married my client because it was the reasonable thing to do. Well, they're great companions. Made good sense to build a future on a solid foundation, not something volatile, like passion or lust; that'd be stupid. Do you believe this, ladies and gentlemen? How many men do you know who don't prioritize sex? Especially ones who look like that," he adds, pointing Maureen's husband. "Men crave sex. It's who and what we are. As coarse as that sounds, to deny it is a lie, a big one. As big as the one he told her. And let me tell you something else; if you walk down the aisle with someone you do not feel passion for, that makes for lousy planning. The compromise that Mr. Keebler made was to sacrifice lust and passion for money. Maureen Ringer never agreed to that deal. She was deceived, lied to. The homely girl got taken, and that's why we're here."

Ally's in the unisex thinking, when the door bursts open. Its Larry. She asks why he's there. He says he was concerned about her. "If you were a decent therapist you wouldn't make housecalls" she says. "I'm not a therapist. I'm a lawyer," he says surprised. It says son on his door. "Larry Paul Attorney-at-law". She wants to know why he listened to her and gave her advice. Because she needed it and he is lawyer he replies. He asks is she's Ok and she says she is, so he shakes her hand and kisses her gently on the cheek as he leaves saying maybe they'll meet in court some day.

In court the jury are are back. By a 9 to 3 majority they decide not to annul the marriage - The Biscuit loses....Maureen is phlegmatic (no its nothing to do with spit - look it up), but then her husband approaches her and tells her now he's won he doesn't want any alimony. He says he did love her, but that she pushed him away. John offers to walk Maureen home.

Vanda gets into action as they walk out of the court and while Ally sits in bed wondering if she really will ever share her life with anyone. Hand up anyone who thinks Larry Paul might be the next candidate?

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